蓝天白云下

That's why life is worth to live

2012-02-09T10:59:00.001Z

好朋友最近不是很想得开。。。

还记得好久以前的我，就是现在的他/她。。。

当局者迷，当你现在那种所谓“为何一切都是我？”的漩涡而不能自拔时。。。

生活本身，就是一份严峻的考验。

生活里其是隐藏着那些祝不完的blessings =)

一时看不见，不代表永远都看不见。。。

时时感恩，永远永远，要为自己的生活负上责任。。。

还记得那份属于自己的记忆？那些快乐、光荣、感动、幸福的时光？

生活就是因为这些霎那的美好而继续worth to live。。。

给自己一点时间，慢慢去发现——上帝从来没有放弃过你。

你的生活不只属于你——请永远记得那些和你分享生活中点点滴滴的家人、亲戚、朋友、同事、社会。。。

请记得不但要为自己负责，还要为他们负责。

放弃自己就是自私，就是不负责任。。。

当你终于熬过一切而再回头望时，你会惊奇于自己的能耐——OMG...I just can't believe it!

而成长的喜悦，也许就是这么简单？

我们还有一段很长的人生路，要继续跑下去——生活中隐藏着许多祝福，等待你去探索、发掘、惊奇着——that's why life is worth to live =)

Nirvana

2012-02-05T15:19:00.000Z

Nirvana

Finally, I am back to Bath again.

The feeling of relieved, the sense of real belonging, and the life, seems to be more meaningful.

I still cannot forget the feeling at that morning at Ghent.

Out of all sudden, I missed my siblings, so so much...

I remembered my glorious history of getting Pelajar Harapan 2004, and then Anugerah Khas Pengetua 2006.

And astonishingly, my bro, 'Ang', was getting a Pelajar Contoh as well.

And on the same day, my sis, only sis, was getting her Pelajar Harapan at the same day.

I am not at the school hall, of course, at that time, to view such victorious moment.

I am glad i don't, I did not want to cry, even slightly, in front of the public.

And last year, again, my sis was presented with Pelajar Contoh.

I am not here to 'show off', yet I suddenly, feel so proud to be a 'cool' brother, that I wanna write it out here.

Their happiness, my happiness.

Even though they may not feel the same.

They are individuals, yet each of them, independent of sex, size, body shape, behaviour etc, each of them is my brother, my sister, and we share the same blood, coming from the same womb.

Perhaps the feeling of more than touched cannot be expressed exactly with words anyway, yet that's what I have now. And I should write in Mandarin Chinese really, yet I just feel that, as long as I record this, today.

I just don;t wanna lose, or forget, this feeling, completely, 'hush', just like the blow of the Monsoon.

No matter how busy I am as a pharmacist or whatsoever in the future, I shall remember that I was, and I am, I will be, still, a son, a brother, a nephew, a senior, a junior, a friend, a mate, and even, a father.

Suddenly all of feelings, start to fill my determination, for that so called - 'future'.

***

Off, back to Bath, again.

8 days trip from Malta, and Belgium, officially, over.

Everything seems to went smoothly, with some small drama in between. Which if I have time, I would, perhaps, mention them, or not, in the future, here, or somewhere.

Yet may be not in 'Jackie-morphosis', apology guys, I am, 'busy' (excuse...come on!).

In the end actions will determine everything.

***

Finally, I shared a few songs that have accompanied me throughout my journey, at oversea, for these 8 days. These are just extract, as I had been listening to so many Fish's songs, on my way, back to this land, of familiarity.

Short stories before off for 2nd Semester

2012-01-27T16:20:00.001Z

Exam
Sometimes you need more than hard work and luck, to pass / 'score' flying colours in the exam...

Home-hunting
Today some girls has started to bump into our house. 2-3 groups.
It's implying the moment to leave soon.
It's a nice house really. Understanding housemates (most of the time/provided NOT get drunk), quiet most of the time, and yeah, saying at least 'hey ya' and 'morgan!' won;t do much harm.
When I am home just now, another of my housemate is off for the last exam as well~
The end of the 1st semester means house hunting has to start again really soon.
I have been receiving bad news for this issue even one day before my first paper...
So, what else?

I find an inner peace and strength in this new house, new room, new housemates.
And when I was together with the viewer just now, everyone like my room, so so much.
Then Ben said, we give you this one because this is the best room in the house.
Only to realise that after staying here for almost half of the year.
How many God's blessings that actually pass through me, just like that, unnoticed.
Indeed He's still kind enough to me...

171, I love you, so much. I may not have the nostalgic feeling like in others.
But, it's YOU.

Good FRIEND
Today just receive a message from my best friend (may be, more than that).
She's down, since the 1st day of Chinese New Year.
I only remember about it, after I finished my exam.
Such a bad best friend of me.

When our fate is so similar...
When we worked so hard and still disspointed in the end...
What else that cannot come?

Yet : "It's just God's trick to make us stronger. And, at least, we got each other."

A friend in need is a friend, indeed.

Sorry for not being able to be beside at your worst time ever, perhaps.

If we can listen to each other's advice...

Don;t stop helping others, yet how much, yet, disappointment, that should come?

Being in Bath
Thanks for always reminding me how lucky I am to be in Bath.
All the hardship, yet all the rewards as well.
Dear, you are indeed as well. At least you get it. You just have to move on. Do NOT give up.
I mean, when about thousands others struggling even to get into local universities, what else that we can expect?

Friendship Quoting
Quoting an extract from one of my friend that always offer me new inspiration in life:

"上段恋情,全心投入,结果重伤.于是这次恋爱怕受伤,就很保留。这意味着:上次那个伤你的烂人,得到最完整的你,而这次这个发展中的情人,得到个很冷淡的你。我知你是保护自己,但这若是做生意,你这店一定倒的。永不再來的恶客,得到最好服务,而新客上门,却备受冷落,这店怎么不倒?"
(蔡康永)

Thanks for the quote of quote.

Off soon
Off to Malta and Belgium soon.
Arabic, French and German, harmonious blend of languages and cultures and religions...
Just like Malaysia.
My Malaysia.

“我”

2012-01-24T16:57:00.001Z

终于，用回最熟悉的华文了。

昨晚和家人网上聊天，原来今年叔叔、小舅和阿姨都在我那儿过年。情况一定热闹非凡！看着一些熟悉的面孔，心里并没有太酸，没有太苦，似乎有点甜，但又不是带来平淡的感觉。。。

听着爆竹上的霹雳哗啦响声，新的一年又到了。团圆饭的晚上，好多的我们都为隔日的试卷作最后冲刺！有些朋友，有正式的大扫除，又很温馨的团圆饭。自己平平淡淡的，也许越来越习惯孤单的感觉，反正明年，命中注定，找屋子是需要一个人独撑。。。但，会熬过来的。

做着冲刺，才了解，自己已经为了考试，太久的：“我应该。。。I THINK。。。我等一下。。。”。。。偶然想起家人，想起朋友-似乎realise到：原来我们每一个人不但有academic responsilibility, 但也有所谓的social responsibility. 我一直想着，考试啊考试啊。。。但后来当我知道家人团聚在一起时，at least 也skype 一下，不为了什么，就只为了这份social responsibility...

同样的，又是温习时，仍会想起一些朋友。。。而至少在第一次需要考试的农历新年，还有几位好友的virtual陪伴，很不离不弃的。他们也明白我考试的忙碌。。。一些简单的good luck charm, 至少让我醒悟：也许我并不是100% 孤单。。。

同时也打电话给大弟，回到大学了却没得上课。。。怪可怜的。幸好他很steady，并没怎样。平淡的语气，我突然间想: 噢，到底是谁长大了？但我仍感受到我们兄弟姐妹之间永远的那种，很与众不同的感情线。。。我看着好多朋友，好多好多，有些和兄弟姐妹都不错，但永远是活在自己的世界；有些更甚，关系紧张，或淡地离奇，让我不可思议。

我明白，每个人，是individual, 长大了都有自己的世界，但偶尔去关心他们、听听他们的想法、告诉他们一些道理，并没有错吧？我庆幸自己即使在国外，和兄弟姐妹的关系，依然融洽。至少，我可以告诉他们，我的一些心声，至少，我从他们每个不同的personality里，学习更多。身为哥哥，我学习包容他么偶然的无理取闹，我锻炼自己的记忆力，告诉自己不要忘记他们每个人的生日，我告诉自己一定要做好榜样。。。也许并不100%称职，但我知道，我，仅的是全力，是本份。。。而他们，欣慰地，也一样。。。

而看着他们茁壮的成长成人，我知道应该担心谁的什么。活了23年多，人生阅历依然浅显，但我很想知道，若一天，他们面对同样的人生挫折而觉得彷徨无助时，一个叫大哥的，将会静静地，陪伴在他们的身边，会仔细聆听他们的一字一句。

因而这样，我不想我的生活之以自我为中心。也许这样的生活态度被称为‘normal'。自私自利的人生。。。若这样。。。我宁愿成为那’abnormal’ 的一群。我叮嘱自己，要好好生活，可以有自己的思想，但不能不尊重他人的思想，可以有自己的生活空间，但不能忘了自己是群体的一部分，不能忘了要协助别人，不能忘了自己的social responsibility...

最近考试准备偶尔分心，偶尔回到大自然。。。内心又再次平静。。。原来，果然，人来自大自然，属于大自然，而终有一天，也必须回到大自然的身边。。。落花不是无情物，化作春泥更护花。。。

还有还有，千万别临时抱佛脚。Last minute 抱佛脚的人，即使多努力拚命不眠不休，想必情况仍欠佳？至少这是我从别人和自己慢慢领悟到的。。。所以：今天写下一切，叮嘱自己，不能忘记。2012年的农历新年，自己没有特别度过，但获取更充实的知识，为了未来更好的照顾病人所需，想必也是——上帝对我的另外一种眷顾吧！

其实有时，也了解到，似乎或了好久，都是在为别人活着的同时，我开始回想，是否也该慢慢学习为自己而活着？但这并不是自私的理念，我不知能不能明白之中的道理，我仍然学习着，而希望有一天，我也能和别人分享，这种所谓的生活所得。^^

2012-01-18T00:55:00.000Z

My 400th post, just on the day for my 1st exam, in 2012...

A quick update of everything...

It’s almost Chinese New Year (in just few days), and my brother is flying back to the Peninsular again today, to continue his study.

He supposed to be in a flight at 8.30pm. And in the end, 2 hours delay. Or at least 1.

And he's gonna rushing to Uni, by taking a bus at 2pm.

I am reminded of the humble background that I always have. As we are from the interior part of Sabah, without an airport (or to be more accurate: with a closed airport). Therefore we are always the latest to arrive at home if everyone depart on the same day, and of course, we have to be super early to get back to airport too.

Time at home is precious to all of us. I still remembered the day when I have to fly back to London, my flight is at the early morning of 6.30 am the next morning. So in the end I had to take the bus at 4.30, not am, but pm, on the day before, to arrive super early at the airport, and killing time there, where I would be more appreciative of I could be given the extra time, to look at the sleeping faces of my bros and sis, again, and again.

This incident repeats so much, that sometimes, I get used to it? Yet it is always so hard to say goodbye. So sometimes I don’t want to see my parents sending me off at airport, if possible. Cost is an issue. Another issue is, saying goodbye and to leave without burden, seems to be harder, when there was someone there.

And all the extra journeys, making us exhausted, not only physically yet also mentally. Very very much. Physically and mentally and emotionally.

And the bitter part is, on the reverse, when there is no one to receive you at the airport. Perhaps I am greedy. Yet I was, and am hoping that, one day my parents can be waiting for my arrival, proudly, at the airport arrival ground.

I remembered there was once upon a time, after arriving, tiredly from long haul flight. In the end even friend(s) that travel together, leave so urgently, even without saying a single goodbye. Bitter. And when you are pulling your heavy suitcase towards the aerobus station, your steps are heavy, yet your heart, perhaps even.
Anyway I am writing this to remind myself, while my brother is back to his student life, fighting for a future. That is what I should really really be doing, too.

Humble background, and a slightly harder life than others, is not an excuse, to stop.

***

I always find it difficult to find a good balance between hard work patency and knowledge patency.

If you will understand what I mean.

It is comprised of personal concern and public interest.

I tried to understand cause and effect, utilitarianism, deontological reasoning…

It’s not pharmacy ethics.

It’s real life story, that I still, confused.

***

Soap opera is indeed interesting

***

It’s only January.

Yet it will be the moment to say goodbye, soon.

And before that I would like to say my heartest thanks to Terry, Anuv, Ben and Stu. Life in 171 is indeed, still pleasing with you all.

Thanks for all the understanding for my occasional irrationality.

Thanks for let me to be at least, part of your life, for this short term of 9 months.

***

And in just few days, it will be CNY 2012!

To all, hopefully we will survive thorugh the exam!

And of course, not officially celebrating does not mean the wishes are not there!

Happy CNY 2012, everyone!

来自英格兰的祝福

2012-01-11T23:54:00.001Z

好朋友最近分手了。。。

也不知是不是分手。。。

说得好些奇怪吧？但事实就是这样。。。

没有谈过恋爱的自己，并不能说太多，毕竟感情世界是两个人的事情。。。

分手有很多原因：
因为被背叛了，
因为感情转淡了，
因为没有感觉了，
因为更爱另外一个了，
因为心中再也容纳不了了，
因为爽。。。

而这一次，
是因为没有了所谓的安全感，
再也容纳不了自己的无理取闹，
再也受不起对方的好。。。

曾经教我坚强的她，又流泪了。
但大家都是那么的脆弱时，
当我们不知不觉相依为命时。。。
巴黎的月亮，还是皎洁的圆，冰心的亮。

曾经，他们是那么恩爱的。
其实，也许，他们现在，依然如此。
然而到底是长痛不如短痛，分手了之？
还是应该再来给自己和他一个机会，让时间决定一切？

生气了，开心了，吵架了，流泪了，赌气了。。。
曾经曾经，风风雨雨。
只因为爱。

爱，仍然存在。

她陪伴我度过生活中的风风雨雨
考试时，大家互相支持。
挫折中，大家互相提醒。
而这一次，时机不对，而感情的世界，不容忍我插手。。。

很，抱歉。。。

愿上帝领导你，做出正确的选择。

愿那英格兰的西北风，渡过欧非亚大陆，穿过印度洋，越过南中国海。。。

悄悄的，默默地，祝你，幸福。

Jalan Jauh

2011-12-26T18:51:00.002Z

Talking to my aunty today...

She was the one that used to look after me when I was so young, especially before I was one year old.

At that time my mom and my daddy were working, and just had to left me somewhere, and there I was.

When aunty's mom look at my small feet, she said: 'Kaki budak ni lain dari yang lain. Dia ni jalan jauh punya bah, nanti dia pergi luar negeri ni...'

My aunty said she never forget that. And to know the fact today, I am surprised, really really surprised.

"Mungkin mata orang tua ni kabur, tapi hati mereka, lebih terang daripada yang lain."

Especially for those humble, considerate one. Life experience taught them to be even more and more humble and considerate. God bless.

A root discovery journey in London. A route towards appreciating the love in your life. Sometimes time and money, may need to be sacrificed, when love, gratefulness and appreciation, override everything.

I already get my present for this Christmas. How about thou?

Joyeux Noël!

¡Feliz Navidad!

Love before Christmas

2011-12-22T22:28:00.001Z

A quick post before Christmas

Today I am literally rushing with the time today. Keep looking at the watch, and clock...

Finally I am out at 3pm today, officially! The day is sky blue, I still remember my French lecture, may be the last one: Le ciel est bleu! Not even sure if the spelling is correct, have not touch French for ages really...

After hard revision and internet browsing for almost 5 days I suppose, I finally see the outside world again! Finally I blamed myself again, in my room I become self-centred till I just forget that the sky is that huge, the land is so rich while I am just a small tiny humble human being, out of the world billions population...

I still moving on with life. I realise my past selfishness by looking at others'. Some, getting better. Some, getting worse. Yet in the end I will not ever forget those words from one of my friend that always show me the 'road': it is individual's right to live their own life, that they feel is alright. Well, I think that is quite right, with an additional sentence (please): provided they do NOT HARM others in the process, physically, emotionally, socially...

I remember some of my friends' sayings before, 'will try to help you reduce your economic burden'... yet in the end what they do, indirectly, is the reverse. After perhaps so many life challenges, I started to realise, I am forced to grow up, in 3-4 years time, when indeed I am still the naive innocent Jackie, at least, when I was at my A-Levels...Yet may be this is not the bad thing at all. I start to know and care about the 'white eye; of others, which taught me to be at least, still believe in what I am doing, and after all the incidences, may be I shall know who my true friend(s) is/are...Some of them are always there. I love them. And suddenly, I started to be grateful, with all the blessings...as may be, and hopefully, I realise that, there is NO ABSOLUTENESS in life. This second is friend, does not mean next second, you still must be. And when you start to claim authority on others' belongings, and thinking that they are absolutely yours...Just stay back for a second. Even birth, death, and life itself is never ever absolute, or certain...

I can see the strong bonds among some of my friends. Carefree and still with their own life. Yet so happy. And in the end they never forget friends around them. When he/she thought that they have forgotten them, may be not, when I see with my own eyes. If God will kindly will give me another chance to have such good partnership, for my last year...but I know...perhaps even my humble wish is just too greedy sometimes...sometimes...

Yet in the end when some love just have to end. Some will never end. I talked so loudly till like scolding mama, when trying to ask about my bro's PMR result today. Again the government let us down again. Because we are at interior part of Sabah everything has to be late. Can allowance be made for that? Yet anyway, when I finally sit down for a while, I started to think of a possible conversation between me, and her:
..."Mom, I was just too loud isn;t it? Sorry..."
"You are indeed so hot tempered sometimes..."
"At least you get used to it..."
"Well unfortunately, because you are my son. And that's just part of you..."
"And mama, you are always my mama. Even though I shout at you, I love you mama. Merry Christmas..."

Only family member will be the most considerate, to have the most faith in us, to always be there, and with whom we can really be ourselves.

When you thought the whole world is sorry for you, at least, you have FRIEND, and FAMILY.

God gave me time to see the real face of everything. It's not the end point yet. Yet perhaps, that's more than enough. I still have a long journey to go. I know there's people that will always hide the truth from me, and also people, that will be true and believe in me.

SO DO I.

To everyone, with the never ever stopping love, from friends, from family, from God:

Merry Christmas

xxx

Summary of 1st Semester: Transition of Determination

2011-12-12T00:19:00.030Z

已经是第十一个星期了。。。

转眼间，第三年的第一学期，接近尾声。

所上的科目，暂时眉目仍然再续。。。

So far, 我最想享受的科目，是clinical therapeutics。学习的过程，虽有点辛苦，但过程中的逻辑推理，理解与学习并用，却真实地，很有趣。。。

曾经的，我以为我做不到的，原来，就这样，熬过来了，连自己都不可思议；曾经的，我以为我最怕的，原来，却仍是最亲切的一位。

我偶尔仍然感受到别人的白眼，但我不想在心里怀恨。我只想和大家，好好相处。。。

而让我头痛的、心痛的，是那一种又爱又恨的恐惧感。但时间过了好久，我花了太多时间。冬天要来了，而我们之间的故事，到底会像秋天的落叶，随着秋风远去；还是会像即将来临的冬天，变得越加寒峻？

曾经，我很想全力反击，全力放弃；曾经是彻底的失望，绝望——但最后，也许体会本身过去的错——没有人是完美的——没有人从来没有错过——没有人应该被薄夺了被宽恕的权利。我感激上帝，让我没有被愤怒与专制占领了——但同时，我好想远离伤感与提心吊胆的日子。。。

见人之过，得己之过；闻人之过，想己之过

宽恕，应该是一种智慧下的宽恕，而不是毫无原则的宽恕。
前者可以让对方得以醒悟、认识到自己，后者只能让对方得寸进尺、越陷越深。
相信自己的选择不会错，将眼光放长远一点儿，莫与他人计较一时的得失。我们每个人都有自己不同发展阶段，每个阶段都有最重要的事情，把握住最重要的事情，一心一意做好，这样你也就把握住了自己的未来。
谁能笑到最后，谁笑得最灿烂 =)

但原来，也许，梦想终究是梦想，现实中就是现实。

我感激上帝仍让我有所准备、让我独立。

但也许，真正的现实，很残忍。

一次又一次的无理取闹，取而代之

的，是一次离别，永久的离别。

也许，这是上帝真正想让我看到的：生活中永远没有必须的。

只因生活中的变数就是太大，有谁能说明天必须是天晴，后天必须有彩虹？

有些事，不是天经地义的。

物极必反，器满则倾

我并不完美，但我感谢可以包容我的家人和朋友们。

感谢你们最真诚的笑容与容纳，我才能，幸福的，活到今天。

《同一片蓝天白云下》

最后，祝大家圣诞快乐，新年快乐 =)

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/42931901.html?an=0&si=3&wtp=wk

药剂师和工程师

2011-12-10T16:07:00.000Z

我和大弟，相差一岁又两个月。

也许我应感激上帝，在很小的时候，就让我拥有陪我长大的同伴。

长得越大，后来渐渐的，因自己的功课在小时就比大弟好许多，就摆上了大哥哥的架子。

是的，有点驾奴，有点patronising。。。甚至有时，是一种瞧不起的心情，与表情。

但我知道，自己从来不痛恨他，不讨厌他，只因自小，父母就常常不在家，丢下我们几个小瓜。所以，大家相依为命，一起游戏，一起玩耍，一起洗澡，一起上学，一起成长。。。

我还记得，小时候，对妈说：我长大后是医生，大弟是消防员。。。

妈叫我别乱说，我知道，她，同样的，爱我们全部。也许会对我这个长子稍好一些，只因我是最大的，只因我一直以来，功课就很平稳，思想上比较懂事，也会帮忙照顾弟弟妹妹。。。

后来，同样的，小学六年级同样是我和大弟的stepping stone，那一年，我从往年的第二第三，升上第一；他那一年，从往常的默默无闻，升上全级第九名。。。

后来长大了，大家也渐渐独立了。说话少了，但不代表那个所谓的bond就不在了。bond,一直都在。我埋怨他平时不肯多facebook我两三句话, 他老是那副天经地义的模样：你忙我忙，没办法。。。

大弟，忙碌是最要不得的借口。若有心，怎会不能呢？

后来，我反而是让妈更担心的，她说：大弟现在很会想，他真的很懂事了。。。

那一天，是他对我说：有些事，该放下了。时间已证明了。是时候了。而且你别忘记，你还有一份家，需要你来负担。。。

我一直以来，将感情还在当成借口，但也许，他，这次，太对了。。。

今天，我是药剂师，他是工程师。

最后，更我知道你不会看到这几个字，我知道我永远不会对你说出这几个字：但是我很想再次郑重为我过去孩子气的失责道歉。

I was wrong, I am wrong again, and so I will NOT be wrong again, in the future.

若有心，怎会不能呢?

劝告

2011-12-09T23:12:00.000Z

感情化/多愁善感的人对生活的观察较为细腻，对待人家方面也都以友善化为主。

然而，有些事，拿得太久了，是时候放下了。也许看起来值得，也许仍有一份希望，但生活永远还有更重要、更值得的。时间会让你看见一切的。

善良和单纯的你，加油！

接受

2011-12-05T02:13:00.000Z

终于。。。

遗憾

2011-12-04T01:25:00.004Z

一直都很顾虑别人的感受

并不太奢求任何赶集或回报

但，请不要辜负了

那些年。。。

也许当有一天我能谁都不顾时

将是最快乐的日子吗？

曾经：不完美的人生，才是真正的人生。

遗憾，是固定的生活现实。

若照着感觉走，也许人生会更快乐。

也许有一天，我会做得到。

只因我也不想在最后的岁月里，留下一生的遗憾。

I thought: Lie to lie

2011-12-03T03:50:00.001Z

Reread my old messages.

Keep a lie - and you will never ever rest down again.

As you have to make more lies to cover a lie.

An endless vicious cycle...negative 'positive feedback'...

In most circumstances, when you can be truthful and honest and transparent to your friends and family...

Then you know that you can always face anyone, confidently =)

人而无信不知其可也

***

也許我太過天真　以為奇蹟會發生
他讓妳紅了眼眶　妳卻還笑著原諒
原來妳早就想好妳要留在誰的身旁
我以為我夠堅強　卻一天天的失望
少給我一點希望　希望就不是奢望

***

Of friendship, trust, betrayal and hope...

2011-11-30T17:40:00.002Z

Of friendship, trust, betrayal and hope...

Sometimes in life, there is something, far more important, than financial issue...

It's trust, believe, relationship, and love...

Sometimes I think, I am too selfish...

May be I am being naive and believing too much...

I will be quietly waiting for you.

If you can give me the guidance, again...

宁静的初冬

2011-11-30T00:06:00.000Z

Three more days...

And I will meet you again...

Walking quietly, lonely on the way from library to bus stop...

Or just walking quietly up Coronation Avenue...

You are right, hatred was there, yet it will go away with time.

Out of sudden,

In this early winter of Bath,

I miss you, so much...

爸，对不起，我爱你。

2011-11-27T18:46:00.001Z

记得小学时，有好几次上课外活动，爸爸都会亲自带午餐，步行到学校，给我和弟弟吃。

但后来，由于在食堂，大庭广众，心里越来越‘顶不住’众人所投来的异样的眼光。。。

后来，竟然对爸爸说，以后还是不要送便当来了。。。

读着“paedriatics' 这科目，不知为何，童年的记忆的那么把钥匙，竟重新打开隔了多年不见的这份童年记忆。果然，回忆是最random的人生故事。

现在回想回来，人越长越大，就越是埋怨爸爸不再爱我们。。。只因家里的结构有时有些复杂。。。但家家都有难念的经，这并不是一个理由的理由吧?

而我现在发觉，当时一句简单的小学生的话，也许不但伤害了一个热心的父亲，更剥夺了弟弟享受存有父爱之午餐的权利。。。

当父亲不再送便当许久后，也许有一天，回到老家时，我会向弟妹们重叙儿时记忆的故事。。。

“时过境迁，环境变了，人也长大了，但我仍然深信，那份父爱，仍然是实实在在的。”

爸，对不起，我爱你。

“感谢clinical pharmacy让我对人生，领悟更多”。

圣诞约

2011-11-26T04:12:00.002Z

事隔许多年　我们在某处相见 
几光年　从不觉得遥远 
地球尚未搁浅  几世纪地转天旋   
看一眼　久违的蓝天    
那一天　全世界也许早已不见   
我和你　还守护这时的约 
那一天　多想念圣诞节的白雪   
我和你　怀抱里的小世界  
事隔许多年　我们在某处相见 
几光年　从不觉得遥远 
地球尚未搁浅  几世纪地转天旋   
看一眼　久违的蓝天    
那一天　全世界也许早已不见   
我和你　还守护这时的约 
那一天　多想念圣诞节的白雪   
我和你　怀抱里的小世界  
地心引力拦不住   
朝着你的方向想念 
拉一条未知的线   
另一端等你来串连  
那一天　全世界也许早已不见   
我和你　还守护这时的约 
那一天　多想念圣诞节的白雪   
我和你　怀抱里的小世界  
那一天　全世界也许早已不见   
我和你　还守护这时的约 
那一天　一瞬间  梦境都会实现 
我爱你　穿越了时空象限 

试听光良的2999年的圣诞节

几光年　从不觉得遥远 

地球尚未搁浅  几世纪地转天旋   

看一眼　久违的蓝天  

那一天　全世界也许早已不见   

我和你　还守护这时的约

地心引力拦不住   
朝着你的方向想念 
拉一条未知的线   
另一端等你来串连

那一天　全世界也许早已不见   
我和你　还守护这时的约

那一天　一瞬间  梦境都会实现 

Dekat-pada-mu

2011-11-24T17:48:00.001Z

It's one of the MALAY songs that has been with me, ages ago...

I miss the old moment, perhaps sometimes I just need something to just feel home again...

知己

2011-11-21T23:58:00.000Z

星期一的思念。。。

感谢能接受我的真、我的假、我的一切——的知己。

海内存知己，天涯若比邻。

When French meets Spanish via English

2011-11-19T17:16:00.002Z

(English)

my friend

garden

library

bookshop

lamp

computer

laptop

ticket

green

pink

white

sky

betrayal

Irish

Welsh

Scottish

German

Spanish

Malaysian

(French)

mon ami
de jardin
bibliothèque
librairie
lampe
ordinateur
ordinateur portable
billet
verts
rose
blanche
le ciel
trahison

irlandaise
Gallois
écossaise
allemande

espagnole
Malaisie

(Spanish)

mi amigo
jardín
biblioteca
librería
lámpara
ordenador
portátil
billete
verde
rosa
blanco
cielo
traición

irlandés
galés
escocés
alemán

español
malasio

Of course I do the selection selectively.

Yet it is quite surprising to note the differences!

And the similarities between French and Spanish!

I still remember I was astonished when my tutor said that we can buy books at 'libriarie' - and in the end I just realise that that is bookshop, and not library, as claimed by English.

And so I am not surprised again when I heard the word 'libreria' is linked to some form of local business.

- For the 1st time I write something which is quite factual and no mixture of emotions this time =)

- Realise that one of the non-close friends seems to move on with life although actually stuck in a 'love-cycle' problem? Not sure if I am true, yet +U! Sometimes wound (if I am right, again...) take time to heal...

- No matter how harsh life can be, in the end one of my English colleague just told me, clearly:

"C'est la vie."

Thanks to nutella muffin and sweet potato deserts and choco-mint ice cream.

* C'est la vie *

I miss my telenovela songs of "el Desprecio" - yet I know may be I will never meet it, again.

英格兰 - 真正的友情

2011-11-14T00:56:00.000Z

一直以来都因怕得罪人家。。。

结果。。。

而就在自己绝望的当儿，

感谢愿意牺牲时间的知己。

而感谢知己的提醒：

做自己就好了。

真心朋友，是会接受的。

虚假的，只想要你变成他所想要的人。

但就像Pharmacist一样：

你可以拥有自己的believe,

但却不能将自己的believe强加在别人身上。

你还记得吗？我们的课堂上说过：

对于一位病人来说：

他的believe是他所相信的。

即使听起来荒谬又不可思议。。。

但，人与人之间，正是因为着微妙的不同

才需要所谓的明白、了解、忍让和尊重。

只想和大家，好好相处。

我痛心于看见大家的团结不再。

没错，岁月流逝，人终究要长大。

但不代表友情，也应随着岁月，流逝吧？

只因曾经共同度过的甜酸苦辣，是真真实在的。

当英格兰的那雪景慢慢归来时

我会静静站在那份雪白的草地上

用心灵之窗。将一切的一切，静静的拍下。

是为了实现，你曾经的梦想。

更为了实现，我曾经的承诺。

能跨过沧海桑田，岁月无情蹂躏的友情

将是真正的友情。

Miss UCSIans

2011-11-12T02:13:00.001Z

Friendship is something where you find the meaning of life.

I don't want to interpret human behaviour in the most complicated way.

Yet the reality of the society seems so.

In the end, when I closed my eye, and re-open them.

It's my dear Mr.Tan on the line.

I smiled, I sneezed, I signed.

If I can be back to those united life at UCSI, if I can.

At least, the meaning of life is not so complicated.

Mon ami from Manchester, Cardiff, Nottingham and London...

Out of sudden, I missed you all, so badly...

People need to grow up, yet is there an easy way?

And we are just not God, what's our rights to decide how others think?

If I still believe in sincerity and trust.

Out of game

2011-11-10T22:56:00.000Z

It's a vicious cycle of self-blaming...

Perhaps what mum said right...

If I will follow what she said, if I will...

When you choose to self-torture, it's your fault, and no others.

I always reach a point of sadness till I wanna forget how to forgive

Yet I just cannot, in the end

As my life is not just consists of a single person

There's Kenny, Ang, Yean, Carol, 194, Sin Yee, Shang, Jessica...

And all those lovely family members, juniors, seniors...

If I am just making everyone;s life too difficult

May be I should be out of the game.

May be, I should.

If I can.

A Night of Relax - Thanx =)

2011-11-10T00:45:00.000Z

A Night of Relax - Thanx =)

依然 mean

2011-11-05T01:33:00.001Z

很有意思的文字，今天想趁这一当儿和大家好好分享=）

泪是什么？

科学的analysis往往冷冷的：water, electrolyte，lysozyme etc

可是大家都知道泪不单单只是这样，泪里面有很多analysis不到的感觉和记忆。

所以我们需要文字和故事，把感觉和记忆写下。

Citation: http://nebulafreedom.blogspot.com/2011_11_01_archive.html

Halloween Night

2011-10-31T20:06:00.002Z

My housemate's grandparents came visit him today.

Yet at this Halloween night, it suddenly reminded me of my families, I suddenly miss them so much.

I started to be confused with all types of human relationships - I don;t know if they are sincere or pretending. They just sounds - so real... - and I am indeed - tired to care anything anymore...

I know I will still have to smile, and I know I will. Yet I don;t know who I should talk to anymore this year...

Eventually - the day will come ...

秋去冬来

2011-10-30T23:48:00.000Z

秋去冬来。。。

静静地坐在巴斯清澈的湖边：

碧雲天，黃葉地，秋色連波，波上寒煙翠。

山映斜陽天接水，芳草無情，更在斜陽外。

黯鄉魂，追旅思，夜夜除非，好夢留人睡。

明月樓高休獨倚，酒入愁腸，化作相思淚。

我很想从此不听不看不闻不问。。。

然而，我，做不到。。。

At that Moment of Reflection

2011-10-30T00:43:00.000+01:00

The session when I was preparing some 'red eggs' in the kitchen... Thermoreceptor reflex arc made me put down the egg quickly...yet sudddenly there's a sudden reflection in my mind...

We always busy counting how other person treat us and rate them from scale 0 to 10, then will give a score, maybe 0.5 or 1 or 4.758 or 9.9, who knows? We mumbling if we feel others have mistreat us and feel that we should always be treated in the best manner (as part of human nature - self-centred), yet at the same time, when we feel that the distance between your friend and yourself is getting further and further - till a twinning point - where you just don;t know him/her anymore - is it because of you? Or him/her? Or both? Or none?

Ask yourself what have you done for others. Life is not an absolute must.

And because of that - I'll rather continue to believe my friend - with sincerity, as I know - life will be easier in that way =)

When it's a point to come to fill your heart with love or hatred, it's your choice. And I believe, everyone will select a choice that makes his/her life easier =)

Random reflection, it;s sound so true, yet perhaps sometimes in life- there's just something that we don't need to think too much..

Birthday - Friendship

2011-10-28T01:13:00.001+01:00

Today is the birthday.

A day that I should celebrate but don;t really feel to celebrate this year.

A lot of birthday wishes from everywhere: Thanks guys!

A birthday that teaches me all about friends

Reminds me that I have lost some friends

Reminds me that I still have some distant yet strongly remaining friendship

Reminds me that when I want to maintain, the full stop has come to an end

Reminds me who my genuine friends are

When my age increased by one year

I suddenly realise that my wisdom and maturity have to increase too

My birthday wishes are:
If I can have some great friend that knows me and I should know him/her
If I can achieve mutual transparency and understanding between us
If he/she will know that I never forget our friendship and still wish the best for him/her

Indeed when I saw that cake, I don;t have to make a wish as I know what I should wish

Sitting in front of the laptop
Seniors, juniors, friends, colleagues, housemates
Suddenly everything just cross my mind

To the University that teaches me the 1st wisdom in my life
Thanks for let me grow
Even in sadness, disappointment and frustration sometimes
As each fallen leaf, blossom flower and melting snow
Will curve my lifetime memory

Jek(yll)

October B'day II

2011-10-27T22:59:00.000+01:00

Thanks for everyone that came and celebrated my birthday at 171 =)

That's where real friendship are =)

Jack, happy birthday =)

October Birthday

2011-10-25T19:03:00.000+01:00

Too many happened recently...

Don't know why...

I just don't really feel to celebrate my birthday this year...

Happy birthday to Anna, Wai Han, Liliu, Evelyn, Yean Hui and Vickie.

Feliz cumpleaños!

Genuine Friendship

2011-10-24T00:23:00.000+01:00

真心朋友，一世拥有。

因友爱，心甘情愿，欢喜接受，感恩惜福。

From relationship to fitness to practice

2011-10-10T23:15:00.000+01:00

一份简单的质疑，让我重新评估，我，还是错了。。。

一个人，想真心待人的同时，种种种种的理由，似乎让人退却，却万万不是理由的理由。。。

被质疑的同时，同时看会那些不成型的肯定，很突然的，一切都变得很值得。

真心待人不须条件。人生只因为对而做，而学，而成长。

***

而最后，果然，我们当初的推断，果然还是对了。

曾经，为了一份犹豫不决的希望，忐忑不安着。

而最后，我仍然没有忘记我的祷告——

上帝冥冥中的安排，是否意味着——永远的放弃？

***

'Will you harm yourself or others?'

'None at all.'

'Then you will be a great pharmacist then.'

Fitness to practice, is as simple as that.

记忆的框框

2011-10-07T00:56:00.000+01:00

最近生病了，蛮严重的。鼻涕流不完。。。唉。。。

偶然的，不知为何，突然想起我十岁时所发生的事。。。

那时，家里出了一点问题。。。
那时，我身为长子却不能体会她的感受。她的责怪、发脾气，我当时看成无理取闹。。。

现在回想，深深感叹，也许年纪太小，所以不能体会她当时最深切的感受。为了一场家事，精神上的紧张、心理上的忐忑不安、对未来的不定数所存有的恐惧感。想必当时她也想到我们这几粒小瓜的未来。。。

就是因为太年轻、太幼稚，所以不明白。母亲始终并不是铁人。她，一直以来，默默地坚强着。所以我们忘了，她也有垮下的日子。她仍须我们关心、在意。

后来，又以为自己长大了，但就在飞来英国前，家里又是另外一份类似的家事。。。

而也许，就这样，我日后的人生，也稍微改写了一次。。。

不知为何，记忆永远是最random的人生之路。就在你平平静静的日子里，掀起偶尔的涟漪。

燕子飞了，杨苗枯了。。。而留下的，是否仍是最重要的？

人生充满了许多假象。但真既是假，假既是真的当儿，一切，是否仍然那么重要？

实实在在的友情，亲情，人情——我歌颂着、我吟唱着、我感激着——

感谢继续给我力量的=）

我，并不值得。

2011-10-02T20:40:00.001+01:00

有些安慰，有些牺牲。。。

我，看在眼里，记在心里。

但也许，我，并不值得。

好想好想——情深深、雨蒙蒙

2011-09-25T18:52:00.002+01:00

今晚看到他们的笑脸=）笑了=）

小瓜们听音乐喝看漫画书的笑脸=）

今晚有妈妈、意义和舅舅的陪伴。那种温馨的感觉，绝情来说，是暂时性的。然而正因此，我们更应该珍惜因缘，努力活在当下。

以本身浅浅的佛法知识，也许简单的句子也说错了，如是的话，敬请大家多多包涵，并加以纠正！

转眼间，后天，就要走了，就要走了。星期六时，沙巴场下的艳阳仍然会不去我的阴霾，心里灰灰的、暗暗的，很没有劲儿。

我知道，要走了，心情很是沉重，千斤，万斤不下吧。

但同时，我惭愧了，非常惭愧。我没有好好去珍惜想学习的喜悦，珍惜上帝所赐予的机会。想安于现状，而这正是最自私的写照——只为了自己的舒适感。。。摒弃了任务、忘记了责任、使命感也变得模糊了。

这，不该发生，不应发生，不允许它发生。。。

Well。。。

看着弟妹们相聚在一块儿的笑脸，顿时停顿了一下。一切，都是值得的。果然世界上的幸福，像陈威全的简单。果然，施比受更有福。

今晚终于能好好的和母亲相处了——再回来一个月后——终于！我明白，也许大家不会明白。平日的我和母亲，工作忙碌，我们因此忘了珍惜彼此在一起的时间——人往往就是最临时抱佛脚的动物——越是遥远的，越是不重视，唉唉唉。。。

而那一日全家上山拜拜时——同时有顿悟了会儿——父亲的爱，与贡献。我老是埋怨抱怨，为何我的父亲。。。这个那个。。。但仔细想想——至少他肯为家里出份力, 至少现在比以前好，至少他仍爱着我们——人长得越大，越是对父爱作出了否认——身为子女的，该当何罪？要何时才能醒目些呀？唉唉唉。。。

回来的一个月，若以数学的graph做份非正式统计——家里的支出费应该是急速上升——嗯，我也真是一个好儿子。。。

一次的落叶归根之旅——仍然有那分潜意识的执著，仍然吟唱着那份相煎至爱，仍然是最熟悉的、最温馨的家与其成员，刷新了对家里的那份归属感和认同感。。。

而最后，感谢在根地咬时不离不弃，仍然记得我的朋友们——喝茶的、喝酒的、看戏的、出夜街的、打长途电话的。。。

当生活中必须已被认定是非必需的时候——又是另一份成长的阶段——有人换了眼镜，换了发型，换了衣装——原来，爱，幸福，感恩，都很简单。

回巢的路，很远——

回巢的路，很近。

只要拘束的身影在望——

我们奋飞的意志不断！

离别前夕，一首又悲又楚楚的古歌，重新唤醒了那长睡的记忆——是时候——醒了。

落叶归根之旅

2011-09-22T20:45:00.000+01:00

Hardly believe that I have only a post so far for the month of September this year, excluding this one...

It's the moment to leave - everything that I am familiar, back to somewhere that I am, or was, familiar, also...

I still remember my friend's words on the night - s/he cannot express his/her opinions/feelings in exact words anymore - and feel more than sad about that - as she used to be a good writer / blogger before...

Indeed words cannot express everything accurately in our life - word is still limited with its ability to expand in vocabulary, grammar, intonation, alphabets, etc...

Losing such ability may not be a bad thing - to a certain extent - it means s/he has been able to leave out what's haunted him/her for few years - and of course that sounds more than a great thing to celebrate =)

I am working for the same goal now...

Again I am grateful to God to let me have this 落叶归根之旅. I re-find my strength, my goal and my own identity - in this quiet, tranquil and peaceful lifestyle, in a small yet busy buzzling town/city of Keningau - in the mountainous region of interior part of Northern Borneo =)

It's the time to appreciate the long live sunshine - almost 12 hours per day - in Malaysia - before I am back to autumn, cold, windy, lonely sometimes - in Bath...

I will definitely remember the dawn, morning, noon, afternoon, sunset, evening, and nightfall - here...

生于斯，长于斯，若有缘，业于斯，死于斯=）

In the Middle of Summer Holiday 2

2011-09-13T06:02:00.001+01:00

In the middle of this holiday, just a quick shot for everyone.

Life at home is always the sweetest, seems endless, which is indeed, a wrong sense of safety, as anything so good will always come to end, anyway.

After home for this time, it's just suddenly some of the feelings change. I start to lose trust, not completely, in certain people that I used to believe, wholeheartedly, in my life. Yet God never ever let me completely down. I found a new goal at the same time. Not say completely new but it is enough to keep me moving on.

Sounds so deep indeed, especially if i refuse to explain too much, sorry guys...

At the same time, travelling from Penzance and then back to my hometown now. Not gonna be to Brunei anymore although requested, life just seems quite busy now, with students around me. Some of the close friends do know...

At the same time, I had been in a sort of new thinking. I used to think that every friendship is just 'like that', which appears to be wrong, again. My good friend makes me realise that:

同心用心诚心经营的友情才会永远开出美丽的友谊之花。

感谢你，朋友！

Every word counts in this case you know. Three hearts, may be more, is needed. When you thought you can let it go, yet when the other one really sincerely works it out, the flower of friendship, no matter how cold the winter is, will blossoms again.

I am more than thankful to finally be shown who I can rely on, at least for this moment. Life and friendship can be based on formality and informality. A true friend is when you can be yourself in front of him/her, without wearing a mask, that may makes yourself not comfortable sometimes.

A sincere and the only wish that I receive to wish me Happy Mooncake / Lantern Festival, is more than a best reminder. Perhaps a friendship that is not bound by the so-called 'couples' love', will turn out to be the best in your life.

带个平常心，真心祝福一对幸福的情侣。看着友人的幸福，也许就是一种幸福。

Indeed life is not difficult. Yet there;s too many situations that makes me feel otherwise.

哀莫大于心死。

This applies to some of my family members as well as some friends. Indeed when you think you give out 100% you should not think of getting 100% back, and otherwise. In the end people used to judge others but they always forget to see themselves. Undeniably that;s what happen to me sometimes. I won;t deny.

Life teaches me wisdom day by day, as I am growing. I am indeed a slow catcher. Yet with continuous support from my family and my friends that I can count on: I am gonna be ALRIGHT =)

Indeed my holiday is not long anymore. Aunty will come soon......

To my bros and sis, perhaps you will never ever read this. Yet beside the moody clouds and long angry speech that may make you boring sometimes, I always L.O.V.E you all =) To see you all studying hard, be so obedient, with all the laughters and smiles, and even when you sleep so soundly - I shall not, ever ever, forget them.

Officially - The Real Summer Holiday =)

2011-08-25T10:01:00.002+01:00

那天在飞机上，终于了解到什么是：蓝天白云上=）

终于到家了！一切仍是熟悉的白色与彩色=）

离家一年了，弟妹们仍是老样子。三弟还是习惯性的outgoing和懒散、唯妹仍是那几句挑细又挑拨的语气、四弟还是很肥（oops,很胖才对），而小弟则像我一样，仍是瘦瘦的。。。

后来才知，原来妈妈那天又进了医院。虽不是什么大碍，而且之中还发生了可笑的误会（警察几乎被找上门，LOL~)，我感叹：原来只要我不在家，有好多事，家人会选择隐瞒着我。觉得我太忙、不想我太担心、并不是什么大事，都是种种不通知我的理由。。。

然而，相反地，正因为身在异乡，我渴望家里能时时给我最新的家里动态。说过好多次了，就算只是offline message，也算是很棒了。只因，我从来不要求太多。我想知道，只因那份责任感，只因我仍使家里的一份子。。。但现在看来，这要求，也算蛮高的。。。

而kakak也说，感叹岁月不留人。她也感叹自己越来越老了。她说：2014年它就要回乡了，从此应该不会再回来了。我马上想起，是因为要等我2013年毕业吗？果然，一个点头又回答了我的猜疑。我顿时有些许感动。曾经，还记得，她说要等我结婚，帮忙照顾我的孩子。。。但很多时候，果然，上帝仍是最powerful地主宰着一切。。。

昨午顺利抵达KLIA，然后就是离别的时刻。虽一个月后会重新见面，但离别的感伤仍让我哽咽一会儿。我想我知道是为了什么。。。

然后再到十点晚上，就是抵达亚庇国际机场的时刻。Kenny 的爸爸等着我们。看着他那高兴的表情，我又些许感觉涌上心头。无奈的是这又是一次没有家人接机的班机。不好意思的是我的出现的确影响了Kenny一家团聚的时刻。即使他们不在意，我仍有些在意。想起在巴斯曾经发生的一切，我感叹，也许我欠一些人太多太多了。。。

这是一个难眠的夜晚。回家的路上，脑子就是不肯听使唤的，以至打转着。我，有些疲累。过去的事，现在的事，未来的事。。。我开始明白，也许平时最气的是人是气自己。气自己为何这么任性，为何失去理性，为何还是。。。

隐隐约约，不知是否该将事实向一些人托盘而出。曾经，我对世界那天真美好的憧憬已被弱肉强食与自私的现实无情的粉碎了。也许是时候变得更理智了。对家人、对朋友，我仍然保留另一份自我，也许做人永远不能太真实。。。也许这才是真正的事实吧。。。

当我在机场那天接到一位朋友的信息：My dream did not come true。心碎了。想必碎的可不只是他/她的心，就连读信息的我，也感到那种心碎的感觉。曾经的希望、过去的付出、之前的努力，只因一份简单执着的质疑，就这样付之一炬。。。其实这真的不是很关我的事，但曾经和她/他一起努力着。。。我感叹，为何世界，似乎有时，就是这么的不公平？

若我能自私一点，也许就不会这么痛苦了。若我能放下我的执著，抛弃出卖我的人、摒弃唾弃我的人、与不能接受我是我的人绝交。。。也许我的蓝天将会显得更晴朗。但我选择保留每一份友情，只因我感激朋友们时不时对我的关照、真心侍候、耐心聆听。。。总结来说我更不知我到底是忘本的人，还是饮水思源的人。忘本，只因想过彻底的放弃。。。不忘本，只因到现在，其实明白真正的放弃，是我毕生做不出的吧。。。那天以为自己真的放得下，但老天最后一分钟的变卦，让我彻底回思。。。

无论如何，暑假真正得到了。对于和我一起在Boots同声共死的朋友，祝你们暑假快乐。想起当初大家一起分享在药剂房种种的经验，我会心微笑。Henleaze，Whiteladies Road，Eastgate, Weston, Trowbridge，就这样，在我的夏天，留下了永不磨灭的回忆。只因这份回忆，是真正属于我们的。从UCSI到巴斯大学到Herbert Road 到Boots，这种缘分，得来不易。所以我知道，至少我，万分珍惜。。。

属于我们的假期真正得到了。一个月充电后，我们再见=）

想撒娇

2011-08-21T12:35:00.001+01:00

Reach St.Ives.

在海边，听着海浪拍岸，风儿呼啸，海鸥哦哦叫着，再加上草丛沙沙的婆娑起舞——这是一份大自然美妙的交响曲。

躺在英国最后的夏天阳光下，草丛仍是那么的舒服。

上帝，感谢给与我来到英国的机会。

***

六人行变三人行。

我想念槟城的海边。

我想念坦率，坦诚，没有束缚的过日子。

我不时撇过脸，只因不想让我的朋友看到我那痛苦的表情。

我不太介意我不能好好的享受最后一天。

只因憋得太久了，太委屈了，想起种种对我无意有意的背叛，不能坦诚的相处，我，遗憾。。。

但原来，别人永远看不到我的付出，永远只看到我欠佳的一面。

也许时间会证明一切吧，但我不再奢望。

***

爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹。

我要回来了。

我知道还有几个人等着我。

曾经，有人质疑我对你们的爱。

但我自己知道，当我不再赖家，过度想家——我渐渐自我独立、成人，也正是你们想要的。

我不需让别人知道，我的钱包守着我们的全家福，而偶尔看着你们的笑容，就是那份力量与信念的泉源之一。

当人家渐渐长大，才发觉我不能再管太多。弟妹就像我的juniors一样，当羽翼丰满时，即使我多不舍，已经是放手的时刻。

只因当哥哥久了，虽不是个100%称职的哥哥，但只要有你们的recognition,我不再需要向别人交待。

有时很想将一直以来背着的那份责任感，放在一边休息一下。。。

也许终有一天，我能够休息一下，做回一次撒娇的儿子与弟弟吧。。。

（偶然想起一些兄弟不和或反目的家庭——本是同根生，相煎何太急。若肯下定决心，行的！）

Forget the door

2011-08-17T02:50:00.000+01:00

I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never.

God, may you give me the strength for that, may I?

Remember those considerate nights that turned out to be turned away, walked back quietly upwards towards the Coronation Avenue, I was exhausted, not physically.

I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never. Even though I would miss it, more than badly, in my dreams, sometimes.

15082011 - Last Day - Farewell

2011-08-16T00:07:00.001+01:00

Dear Boots Henleaze Team 0489:

Today is the last day of work, and too bad, late...

Anyway the whole day turns out to be the best in my life...

Get to see an MUR today, on inhalers, amazing...

Then I get a goodbye charm from Ms.Suzi. She's on wheelchair yet she's cheerful and wonderful. Her sound is loud yet clear enough. She's really the exceptional customer that is sooooooo nice, ohh...

I won;t forget her last few words: "Jackie. Come to see you. Ohh, I will miss your smile..."

Ohh...

Then finally is the moment of leaving. Dinner at Nandos turns out to be the greatest ever in my life. with English, with Colleagues, away from Bath. Unimaginable.

All the dispensers are not going. Yet I got a lovely pen and card from Gaby. Then is another 'so-called' 'present from all'- a Parker Pen and a box of chocolate, and a card again.

"You got a pen bcz you wrote a lot, a lot.."

"So I got chocolate bcz I ate lots of chocolate? Lots of?..."

That's not the explanation perhaps. Yet is it still very important at this point?

I won;t forget: Northumberland is a small town/city near Scotland border, yet not really in Scotland. Hence all the people still pay for their prescription. Too bad..."

Finally is hugs from the ladies. Thanks Jacqui. Thanks Linda. And, yeah, thanks Juliet!

Then finally is the leave home to Coronation Avenue, door-to-door delivery. Thanks pre-reg sweety... =)

There's nothing more I can request in my life, isn't it?

To Boots Henleaze Team, you are a fantastic team with all the elements of happy family.

If Malaysia is my 1st home, Bath is my second, then Boots Henleaze will be the third, definitely.

Thanks for cherishing my summer, you fella!

"You fella are the best damn thing that ever happened in my life, ever!"

"The hardest word to say is goodbye, always."

With lots of love and regard,

Jackie

The light of my life

2011-08-15T04:06:00.000+01:00

Not feeling too well now...

生活中除了爱情，还有亲情和友情。。。

我尝试了，居然冥冥中怎样也不会相遇，我，累了。。。

是时候好好醒过来了。

不是不曾努力过，而是到了最后，无缘就是无缘。

不是过来人就不会明白那种感觉，明明很想见，但到了门前，连按门铃前都要犹豫很久很久，而最后，当提出勇气按门铃后，那种空虚和失望的感觉，很无奈。

***

明天就是工作的最后一天，很不舍得，只因Boots Henleaze, 真的是很温馨的家庭。

昨晚还做了一场离别前夕的梦，梦境的故事，忘了，但梦境让我流出的泪水，体验出的悲哀，则倒是真实的。

曾经读过，梦，大致上有五种：
梦是日有所思，夜有所梦。
梦是感官的刺激感应。
梦是心灵相通。
梦是垃圾讯息的结合。
梦是愿望的达成。

我不再奢望我的梦是三，有好多，应属于一二四，而也许我能真正向往的，是五。

***

好久已没有这么情绪化了，不知为何。。。

万籁俱寂，Coronation Avenue 很静很静。今夜的月亮，看起来，很远很远。

而团圆的那一日，就象今晚的皎洁明媚的月亮一样，很远很远。。。

Farewell

2011-08-09T22:48:00.000+01:00

I just need to blog before I forget the incident today again.

Today on 'emergercy request' I am switched from Henleaze to Whiteladies Road aka Black Boy Hill, still at Bristol.

Not really emergency as I get the notice one day earlier anywhere.

Yet the experience today is another eye-opening experience for me.

It's quite fun to have chance to work in a different store. A little bit changes in environment. Yet of course you are still doing the same job: dispensing, healthcare advising, stocking, etc.

Special thanks to Sarah (dispenser), Nic (Pharmacist 1) and Karen/Caryn/(similar sound) (Pharmacist 2)...

A good bond that I can established between pharmacists and pharmacies...

Indeed experience today makes me miss and appreciate Henleaze even more than I ever thought.

That's indeed human nature, you never appreciate a single stuff till you lost it, and sometimes, completely.

Indeed everything is fated in the end. Initially I should go to this small store on the hill of Whiteladies Road yet I am transferred to Henleaze at the end, on 'emergency'. And now by chance I come back again, just that I don;t have the chance to see Rob, as again.

Ir's fated in your life: who's you gonna meet and where and when. Sometimes you wanna meet someone yet just never ever meet them again. Sometimes you really don;t wanna meet someone yet he/she will just appear in front of your eyes. How many you eat, how much you drink, FATED, silently...

It's not an excuse to be irresponsible to your though. People always misunderstand me at the end. Well, take my words: It's NOT an excuse to be irresponsible, to make mistakes, to be forgiven 100%, with the childish thought that everything is FATED.

Everyone deserve to be happy in the end, as Gaby said, when you thought you are in the hot soup, it can be worse.

When you complaint of having awful food for your lunch, think of the food crisis at Somalia...
When you complaint of having insufficient sale for Health Promotion Event, how about those people that determined to find some money legally by selling The Big Issue yet life just seems so hard, beside the street?

***

Finally I hate myself still, not too much, yet in the end I still hold on something that I should not.

Perhaps I can be worse, yet, behind the smiling face, I start to be a little bit moody...

I miss DH suddenly. Yet I should not meet him again. I should not.

***

A good friend of mine is apparently disappointing with me.

Indeed, but please, can you DO NOT punish yourself because of me?

Indeed I am still the Jackie that gonna listen to all your ups and downs, still be waiting silently for your occasional messages, and will be smiling silently to give you the moral support.

Indeed I never ever thought of any friend as a burden to me, never as a waste of my time...

Especially you.

You know what I am talking about. As I said, as you said, everyone deserve to be happy.

You remember saying that during my downs? Maybe, but I never ever forget that, when you are at the peninsula.

So promise me, no matter what, you will take care of yourself, please.

***

Boots songs for this year will come to an end.

To my colleagues, when I said I should come again, I mean it.

Yet it's never ever my mean to see Elena poisoned or see Juliet shaking her head as I am working extra half day...

Well well Elena, see that in your coffee, maybe next time, LOL~

And thanks also to Lewis to give me a personal ID even though I just a very very temporary staff at Whiteladies Road, and thanks to remind Sarah to show me the bus stop, in case I cannot be home...

Another marvelous place with post office and Lloyds Bank =)

I know you all know English but thinking of presenting this song to you all =)

And for dear, with my prescription still in your hand, go for this one, alright?

只因我隐性的肩膀，永远陪在你身边=）

I will never forget

2011-08-02T21:23:00.000+01:00

My Boots experience almost comes to an end...

Yet I must write down everything today, as I don't wanna forget...

I will never forget, when I and Munira need to chase a customer to return her Advantage Card.
I will never forget, when I need to serve my colleagues and still pretend that they are just another regular customer.
I will never forget, when I chat happily about dispensing, cultures and others with my dispensers.
I will never forget, when I am reminded of the greatness of mother's love - hate yet love you always.
I will never forget, when I almost cry at toilet sometimes prior to moving house.
I will never forget, when I need to call out my own name yet actually is another person with same name as me.
I will never forget, when Juliet keep telling me, no worries.
I will never forget, when Juliet shows great flexibility yet no bureaucracy to me.
I will never forget, when Juliet signpost me to Eastgate for the Care Home Service.
I will never forget, when Elena keep asking me: are you alright? (as I am always lost...)
I will never forget, when Gaby shows her professionalism in healthcare service interaction.
I will never forget, when Sue shows the smiling and patient face for the funny coins.
I will never forget, when Linda asking my details about Malaysia at the till.
I will never forget, when I see the exhausted faces of Jacqui after chasing some shoplifter.
I will never forget, when I see Lewis is more than angry for some very "good" customers.
I will never forget, when I see the grand celebration for Leanne's success in passing pre-reg.
I will never forget, when I heard Ann dispenser feel so proud of her beautiful sons.
I will never forget, when I can discuss weird prescription(s) with Ann pharmacist.
I will never forget, when I see the happy face and hear the happy tone of Aamaia doing MUR.
I will never forget, when I need to actually respect different behaviour of people - confidence!
I will never forget, when I have forgotten my keys (last minute) in the training room...
I will never forget, when Juliet consult me on pharmacy system in Malaysia for emergency cases of a travelling patient at Malaysia.
I will never forget, when I am praised by Juliet, recognising the hardworks that I have done (Ju: as I just don't want you to be too tired...).

Indeed I am given and showered with more than what I have expected at this small yet happy and warm family. Feel neglected sometimes yet I keep telling myself:

感恩我所拥有的，感谢我所没有的。

感动于实在在的，感触于现在在的。

只因现在一去不复返。

I am more than grateful to God for being given the chance for this new, exciting, meaningful and thoughtful summer...

Bel été, apprécier!

而最后，只想轻轻，徐徐得带过另外一份生活的感触：

初恋是一首甜美的歌。

至少能够与曾经爱过的人在一起，即使时间短暂，也万分珍惜。

而“我爱你”果然是最简单的词语，却也是最难说出口的华语。

爱你，不只是嘴上的，更是心上的。

最后，感谢你让我没有遗憾的离开。

遥远的，是距离；不变的，是心灵。

再见了

2011-07-31T01:46:00.003+01:00

被蒙蔽了——模糊了。

看着应为一日奔波而终于起皱纹，红红又有些伤口的双手，累了。

早上六时半奔波到晚上一时——大扫除、拿钥匙、搬屋子。

大扫除，然后，明天，不，今天，就要走了。

隐隐约约似乎有眼泪流下。

不是委屈、不是愤怒——只是有些不舍。

再会了，请保重。。。

Torsades de Point - last minute

2011-07-29T20:22:00.002+01:00

也许我并没有想象中的那么坚强。。。

Lisinopril 变成citalopram...
Clenil 100 变成 Clenil 250...

哀乎。。。

还有不到四十八个小时。。。

一切就好象一场梦一样。。。

为什么到最后关头，也不肯放过我？

只想潇洒走一回，然而感情不听使唤，眼泪时不时仍历历在目。。。

果然人生就是一场戏，不到最后，不知结局。。。

也许对别人好一点，往往就是对自己残忍一点。。。

只是那份伤害，恐怕静静承受了也没人知道。。。

爱她，就要让她幸福。

在她失意的时候，一份关怀的语气，一份真实的拥抱，一份真诚的眼神=）

自私的爱，是为了满足自己的好胜、占有欲。
真正的爱，是为了让她会心微笑，让她快乐，让她幸福。

就像巴黎的月光一样，虽历历在目，但当知道，再也不需要再担心后，虽自己不知自己以后会怎样，最后也能一笑置之。=）

但也许，我，并没有想象中的坚强。。。

让我静静的在，万籁俱寂的时刻，再次霸占不属于我的Herbert Road，静静地走。。。

Diary so far - before leaving 7

2011-07-28T23:26:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I met a very lovely old lady:
"Jackie, do you still remember me?"

I am astonished on the 1st place, with her ability to remember the name of this small staff, in the usual store called Boots The Chemist - Henleaze.

She came to collect her photos. And in the end:

"Thanks Ms. Nash. Please come again. God bless you."

As your small action makes up the smile of my whole day =)

Indeed that's the power of small deed indeed. Some customer is a complete headache, yet some, are just sooooooooooooo lovely!

***

Then I saw another small kid, kiddo, girl, maybe 6-8 years old.
Small cutie little pinkie.

She came to pay for 3 mouthwashes on 3 for 2 offer, plus a clearance item of lipgloss.

"Right, that's 4.XX, do you have Boots Card with you?"
She just keeping moving her head, saying no no, very shy girl...
"Do you need a bag?"
Again is another sign of no no.
She said, "I can carry them"
I cannot imagine how such tiny hands can hold 3 bottles of mouthwashes, kind of heavy for her age...
"I'll give you a small bag, alright?"
She smiled =)
"Is that for yourself?"
"Nah, the mouthwashes are for mommy...The lipgloss...for myself"
And another charming smile =)
"Right then. Take care sweety =)"

Perhaps indirectly I do love children. I never realise that. I don't really understand how a small cutie girl, can kill all my anger and headache due to previous customers...And makes up one of my afternoon =)

May be I will be a good daddy in the future, if I got the chance. Well, will me?

***

The day seems busy while I am working at Boots Henleaze. Busy, I am tired of standing at counter sometimes...I wanna do dispensary, well well...

Then last night I had a bad nausea. I vomited in the toilet of my future house. In the end I had to take the night bus, rush to my new house, just to get the traditional chinese oil that I had moved previously. So stupid!

Never imagine I can be as sick as this. I just feel want to faint soon. Soon.

Then I even think about whether I will be able to work the next day. I don;t wanna sacrifice my holidays due to this stupid nausea. Don;t want!

So the next day I kept myself asleep on the bus for the whole journey. So that I won;t wake up and feel sick half way. Don;t wanna vomit at Brislington or Salford or Temple Meads...

Then even my manager can sense my state of falling sick.
Juliet, Elena, especially: Are you alright?

I told myself: I should be alright.

That manager kept reminding me: Do not drink the milk that you bought this morning!

And he reminded me three times, with the disbelieving eye...

What the...

Anyway as I always know, 天无绝人之路。山重气水复疑无路，柳暗花明又一村。

With the bless of the smile of the customers, I felt thousand times better =)

Thank God =)

I don;t wanna think too much anymore. As long as I have done all the good deeds in my life, I believe my life will be blessed in the end.

Just like when I writing this blog. I thought I cannot write in Chinese anymore. Yet there's always sunshine behind the black clouds =)

***

My pre-reg is leaving, to become a relief soon.

That Friday is the life-changing point for her

An official letter from General Pharmaceutical Council, followed by a huge happy cry. Passed！

Then is the hugs from all the female staffs.

And finally, a big lovely sweety double double chocolate cake from Linda!

(Well, it tastes more like horlicks cake to me...)

Anyway, wish you all the best for your future, you are bright, be more confident, Leanne!

See you soon, if we got the chance, in the future =)

Like when we collide on the bus to Blackboy Hill today =)

PHARMACIST, officially =)

***

There's one night when of the dispenser send a text message to her sons:
"You fella are the best thing that I ever made in my life. I will always love you all."

"Mom, are you gonna throw yourself over the bridge soon?"

"No..."

"Mom, you are confusing and misleading..."

Anyway, that's a mother's love.

God cannot be with us 24 hours a day, that;s why we have mama =)

Sounds so childish yet so true, indeed =)

***

I kept telling myself to keep a diary for my works in these 7 weeks.

I will definitely miss Juliet, Elena, Gaby, Anne 1, Anne 2, Sue, Linda, Jacqui, Leanne, Lewis, Priyankaa and maybe soon, Munira.

Time flies. In the end I just don;t realise that: This is week 5. And 2 more weeks to go...

Just like when I shift my house: In the end there's only 2 days left. I will miss the old house. Especially after the incident today.

I thought I have nothing left in this house anymore, other than the brightest memory and laughter, with few spices with Wei Chern, Kenny and Guarino...

Yet may be, I am wrong...

Izinkan saya untuk mengundur diri, secara senyap-senyap...

Kerana sesungguhnya saya tidak mahu pergi dengan linangan air mata...

To all, it's a fantastic ten months with you all.

7, in memory. I will miss you. take good care of yourself. I shall visit you one day, if I am given the chance by that fella...

***

全国最佳辩员，坚强些。时间会冲淡一切的。

真的，我意想不到的，过了这么久，原来我比想像中的更坚强 =）

请原谅我的忙碌，但今天的事情让马上想到你。

我对你的支持，是二十四小时的。只因我的prescription,永远守候着你，不曾expire =)

雨后的彩虹最娇艳美丽=）

***

犀利妹为了爱情几乎变成行尸走肉，自残。

大C 为了爱情葬身罗里下，众人泣不成声。

问世间：情为何物？

***

What you see with your eyes, may not be true.

As behind the scene, waves waving, winds winding, rain raining...

You cannot see my love, my hatred, my mixed feeling...

我想念下雨的时刻，稀里哗啦的声音，大自然的神奇，给与那份真实的亲切感。

好想听听那雨点打在屋顶上的声音，但住在巴斯，就是奢望，吧？

无奈，依依不舍，人面桃花，又如何？

也许这将是我离别的最佳心情写照=）

Alaska - Aurora

2011-07-21T22:21:00.002+01:00

Looking at "Baked Alaska", I am thinking of my siblings, suddenly...

I really wanna share the scoop of lovely ice cream with them...

At this English land, it's more than marvelous to get to taste Haagen Daaz and Ben and Jerry ice creams, with thousands of you-never-ever-can-imagine flavours!

My dear bros, and sis, I am indeed, wanna share this scoop of ice cream, with you.

I cannot see you growing up any more, as I am in the other extreme of the Earth, extreme, till, it's still quite cold sometimes, although this is the summer at United Kingdom.

From your words, from mummy's words, I know that, you all are doing, indeed, very alright.

I am more than grateful, to see your positive development, physically, spiritually, mentally, socially, emotionally...although, it's a very indirect observation...

So I promise to keep going here, indeed, for you all.

Alaska is still cold yet the daily aurora reading remains high now. Baked Alaska is more than cold, yet when it melts in the mouth, it melts my heart as well...

May 'aurora' spirit with you always =)

As genuine love, stands even against the time progression.

Love, never die.

***

I receive another SMS from you.

Your SMS makes my day, makes me smile.

I, and you, are indeed, very busy.

It's not how many words that we have spoken that matters.

It's the heart, it's the sincerity, it's the mutual understanding.

Be with you, always.

Just like the love spirit of aurora in Alaska, it's not always there, yet people will always remember and be amazed .

"Vous pouvez!"

"Toujours, avec vous!"

Love, never die.

“记忆终久会模糊，但感觉永远实在”

C'est la vie

2011-07-07T00:41:00.005+01:00

工作了几乎两个月，是时候再写下属于自己的日记。

深思这次的目的，明了了，以前写来炫耀吧，这次，只想写下来警惕自己，提醒自己，深怕有一天，这些美好的曾经，都会被忘得一干二净。。。

工作了近两个礼拜/星期，从什么都不会，直到现在，已经开始有了和病人及顾客直接说话的勇气。果然，这是生活的经验，自我价值的提升。。。我笑着：似乎明了，然而也必须不断提醒自己=）

来了好久，本来应该照顾我的pharmacist反而不得空。实在没办法，全店由她一人管辖，一天的工作量惊人。但感谢上帝，感恩上苍，我的dispenser和accredited checking technician，反而很照顾我，每每都会耐心照顾我这信任的依赖脾气。

还记得第一次，病人只是来买最简单的止痛药剂：paracetamol，好笑的，也不知该怎么卖。又不能问太多，现在，虽知道有时卖这些东西根本不用问这么多，但本着所学过的ethics，怎样就是想问多一些，买个所谓的安心。

每每到了梦寐已久的午餐时间，有时看到还有好些顾客排着，等着，也不忍心马上走人。还记得和我一起有幸能工作的朋友提醒道：忙归忙，别忘了属于自己的时间，毕竟我们只是学生啊，他们忙是他们的事。。。似乎很对，其实很自私，私下我仍不敢完全认同，然而想起他们对我的好，当然不是所有人，但那些能对我好的，已让我万分感动。所以说，欠人情债是最难还的。还这种债啊，用的是心。。。

午餐时间，若有幸，就能和我的dispenser闲聊。她来自Slovakia,来自属于靠近白俄罗斯的小城市。但她的英文非常流利，虽不像到底的英国英文，但异常清晰，令我万分赞赏。来自俄罗斯的ACT小姐，说话字正腔圆、刚强有力，同样令我佩服。

一个小时的午餐时间，对我们这些非常忙的新人，已是大大的安慰。本来应该拿来睡午觉的，或做些网上练习来自我增值。但我宁愿将这份时间，分享予我的同事。尤其是我的dispenser，对各国地理与历史有一定的认识。她让我知道，原来我们不再有Czechoslovakia这个国家。她让我知道，原来男人也一样可以自己做简单的三餐，而不需要等到女人，尤其是自己的老婆来侍候你。。。看了另外一名朋友的部落格，才知道，人自我增值固然重要，然而若因此忘了最基本的慈悲心、感恩心，也许这样的增值，只显得平淡、空乏、更没有实在的意义。

时间上，我越来越不计较。我遗忘了当初不能提起电话听筒的懦气。人终究要长大的。虽然一天很忙，虽然仍要问他们问题，虽然仍要看一些顾客的脸色，但尤其想起今日，忙得不可开交的dispensary,只有两人站岗。Counter,只有一人站岗，我只好分身，在这两边游荡着，帮很忙的。。。有些累，实说这不是经理人的计划，但顾客至上啊，那还能想到这么多？有时听着我的dispenser说的话：We are so lucky to have at least you here this time. You know it has been summer and it's so busy...有些话，也许有赞许的意思，但我不想马上飞上天空，毕竟我仍是无名小卒，工作的经验让我明白：尽心尽力，同时尽力学习；诚心诚意，永不放弃，才是最实际的。

今天写下这一切，只怕将来功课与学业的压力，将埋没我的良知，让我忘了这里的一切。也许多愁善感的我不会。但世上没有绝对的fact, 大马今天没有地震，不代表永远都不会有。趁夜静的时刻，挤出一些时间，写下这份日记，为自己作为未来的借鉴。

最后看着镜中的自己，看着自己的脸，不是面目可憎，也感谢上帝冥冥中细心的安排。当然我现在的病，自己明了就好了。我笑了；虽然有时很不自然；想起以后，搬家后陌生的环境，重新的适应，仍起伏不定的未来，我不再太过恐惧；到了人生的某个阶段，是时候离开了，做不出完全的潇撒，但已没有太多的牵挂。想在此感谢Mr Paul的责任感与用心良苦，感谢与我同在的三位室友，成长永远要付出代价。

一个人不一定孤独，一个人不一定寂寞，一个人不一定是一个人。

在回家的路上，从贝利斯托到巴斯，徐徐的前进的同时，身体已很疲累，头脑却异常清晰：只感谢现在的人生，一切熟悉的感觉，更有意义的人生，对社会有贡献的人生。

最后将这首歌献给大家。以前，属于情人；现在，送给我的新同事，就像欧啰巴之塞纳河的水流进大海，也许会流向英国吧。心心相映是奢望；但萍水相逢已很不容易。。。而爱，也越来越清晰=）

这，就是我现在的人生=）

塞纳河

记忆也许会模糊，但感觉永远实在=）

June's Update

2011-06-26T20:07:00.002+01:00

已经几乎一个月没有向大家报告最新状况了。。。

六月三号到七号，我们在马来西亚的物理讲师，MR TAN 和他的老婆，过来英国一趟。

也并没有陪了多久，然后我们又得为了我们的德国之行赶旅程表。。。我负责柏林之行，虽尽力但仍为大家留下些许遗憾，我再次作出抱歉，也许大家介意，也许不，但我如何也有一些责任。。。抱歉。。。

德国之行，五天四夜，先得有些匆忙。。。但没办法，时间紧凑，惟有赶了，但也不赶得太快。旅程仍得注重享受哇！

去了天鹅堡，看了这个在山崖上建造的城堡。地势险恶，然由于其充满通话与浪漫气息的纯真色彩，许多人仍慕名而来。我，也有些许赞叹，感谢上帝呀=）

徐徐从慕尼黑赶到柏林，在那漫漫前进的火车上，很早很早，太阳公公就起身了。早上五时的阳光竟向马来西亚七点半般的明媚！看着一望无际的绿洲，有时偶尔再过一些小城市，或工业区，更赞叹了德国的魅力！经济成长是可以与绿色环保并存的！然，也让我感叹，太容易感恩，显得太多愁善感。。。而成为多愁善感的动物，容易感动之余，就是永远会折磨自己吧?

无知的人说，欲苦而无泪，假也；然而余老师说得对，欲苦而无泪，乃太过伤心也。

回来后，再赶上六天五夜的医院实习，读药剂系的当然得到药剂部报到。英国的医院果然不同。我的医院虽小，然五脏俱全。而很多职员都显得很helpful,愿意牺牲宝贵的时间来知道我们。药剂部的阿头更是为我们这两个无名小卒见面谈论了两次，让我深感感动。他们并没有让我们自生自灭，用心的教导，循序渐进，更尽力让我们有first hand 的经验。这让我明白，我也期望在此后的人生里，能为身边的人贡献些什么。有时，个人贡献不在于多少，而是贵于诚心诚意=）

最近则到伦敦一趟。Solo的单人旅程。但我不孤独，因为伦敦永远有成千上万在赶路的，侧身陪伴着我。自己亲身走一趟，迷了路，也没时间害怕了，只好再来跑一趟，想必人生的体验，也其实就是如此吧？去了伦敦桥，再去唐人街扫一些货，最后则是探望久违的沙巴朋友了。

Aunty 老了，然仍不失当年所给我的亲切感。还记得她照顾我，顾到大约七八岁吧，然后就带着打我一岁的女儿嫁到远方的伦敦来了。她人很好，看着现在的她拥有待他如宝的人生伙伴，我在心里默默祝福：以前的您辛苦了，这是您应得的幸福，愿您永远开心=）

这是一个非常不典型的英国家庭。家里用马来文说话。和他们说话，没有生疏的感觉。Aunty 更是尽心尽力陪伴着我这个短期的客人。短短的两个小时对话，让我看到真诚，童年往事，在这些老一辈人的衬托下，一切变得历历在目。原来，aunty的母亲在当年也有照顾我的时候。才知道，小时原来受到这么多人的眷顾。。。沙巴的影子有更清晰了，我多了一份不能不为故乡服务的理由 =）

然后，就要回家了。心里很不舍，要做工了。再一次，看得出愿意教导我的supervisor, 就像我的姐姐曾经说过，也许我今生今世也不能报答你对我的恩惠，但上帝会与你同在的。

也许我很坏吧，但在坏的人儿也总有善良的一面。这不知是千年的真材实料，还是另一份假惺惺的谎言？

末了，才发觉不许为了blogging而blogging。也许以后会更少update吧。反正关心的人也不多。。。偶尔受到激励性的短信，感谢赏心悦目的、柔情似水的。。。也许曾经无意气了你，我很抱歉。但最后真正能留下的冰心，恐怕也只有你能明了了。。。

夏天来了，今天好热，连马来西亚恐怕都要输了。但是，感恩阳光很明媚。

德国的夏天，很美。

英国的夏天，很美。

大马的夏天，很美。

只因为，夏天终于到了，真的到了。。。

最后，我在Piaza Trafalgar：

Laugh, Love, La vie =)

5 Yets

2011-05-29T17:34:00.002+01:00

A call to my bro today...

To remind some 'souvenir' from KL...

And strangely, same person that shares the same genetic origin as me...

Can sound so cold...

I wanna be one as well...

Yet perhaps, like being Luna-pi, I will never ever be...

***

I wanna to be my real myself...

Back to the origin, may be just a little bit changes...

Yet as I am a Malaysian,

Yet as I am a Malaysian PSD scholar,

Yet as I am a Bath University MPharm Student,

Yet as I am an obedient son,

Yet as I am still an elder brother...

So I know, I just can't be the ultimate one.

As life is not always, well, happy ending, in the movie.

I wish to go back to that Yuletide Christmas... =)

***

And for the first and may be the last time.

A short talk with my housemates...

During today's dinner...

And in the end I laughed and jumped happily...

I smiled, and knew that...

I would definitely miss all these precious moment...

At the same time, Kenny is laughing so soundly with his high-amplitude laughter, beside my room...

That's 幸福 =）

只因为，幸福，很简单。 =）

After PA20024, prior PA20241

2011-05-24T19:59:00.001+01:00

Finally, the 4th exam, left with only one more to go!

So the first thing that I do - is to find something as my lunch - and then I need to destress - so the best choice - 4 ice-creams! Oops...

Then is on the way to the bookshop and everything, and pass through Bass Abbey, with few kids chasing each other in front of it - what a beautiful and peaceful scenery. Life, perhaps, is no more than this...

I really hate to become a person with such a sentimental heart. Easily touched, easily hurt...indeed...

If I am given a choice to become an innocent and whatsoever-no-no like at Secondary school years, or a harder person like me now, I will choose the former, think so...

Anyway, summer in Bath is still charming, as usual, too bad I never take time to really enjoy it. We always said, ohh, I missed the one this year. Never mind, I still got another year to go...and in the end...when you are in the final year, only then you realise how old you are, and how foolish as well...

And indeed, the same happen to some of my friend. For example, always complaining about bad digestion system, yet the truth is he/she just never learn to eat slowly. Some always explain he/she can't finish the pass years. The truth is, I myself has sacrificed the time to do the pass years without doing proper revision, so it doesn't mean I know everything when doing the pass years...

And I take a huge breath to just do some vacuum today. Yet not mopping. Indeed sometimes I am just too disappointed with the scenery in my house. Clean everything partially. So in the end some stuff is always there, and no body seems care to take some effort to rectify the situation. I can't deny that I have been calculative enough before: There's no reason for me to give my 100% if you just wanna give 50%. Yet I realised that someone must take the first step. So yeah...Just like what I will do to my real house in my hometown, I decided to take the same steps now...

Yet I sighed at the same time. I can do these this year, yet who will at next year? Next year my loyalty should shift to my new house, regardless of whether the house will give me a sense of belongings or not. Yeah, SENSE OF BELONGING. What an important word. I think initially I just finding too many reasons to leave my current house. Yet after so much has happened, without realising, maybe it's time to go, 悄悄的，潇洒的，豁达的...

3 girls, that may love to clean. Truthfully speaking the house is really compact so size is not an excuse. Maybe everyone is just too busy. I mean, he is student, she is student, and student is always busy. Apart from assignments and lectures and cooking, there is facebook, internet, shopping, hanging out with friends, daydreaming, and sleeping is important for memory retrieval. Yeah, so in the end student just has no time for anything else...

Indeed me too, sometimes trapped in such a mindset. I realised, I am the one that arrived the latest at this house. 1 October. And then the leaving moment. 1 August. Maybe earlier than that, if I need to. So yeah, just 10 months, not even a year...Yet I still remembered that there is so many plates to moved into the store room, or else there will be just plates in the kitchen. Kenny has done the 1st proper kitchen washing demonstration, if I am not mistaken...Ang as the pioneer has bought almost everything for the house when we initially 'open' the house...Indeed, everyone has own contribution =) Yet if everyone is willing to put in more effort to make this house a better house. I will be happier.

You will blame me, then. Talk to them...talk to them! Yet in the end, I feel that, if he/she is willing to perform well, he/she will do it. If no, even if I remind him/her purposely, the result maybe still...so so...so yeah, I do hope that everyone will be giving their best. As I feel that it is just worth to do it, for such a lovely house. I know my house next year may not be even so nice. Perhaps that's the fact that make me think so much? May be?

Anyway, June is coming. I know I still be buried by sadness sometimes. Some label it as hatred. Indeed, partially, yes. Yet the point is after having been 'innocent' and curious, as usual, in the end my sincerity is questioned and sometimes I still have to be reminded by some people of the old history, when I wish that no one is really turning back, and even if yes, do it silently, like what I do sometimes...As in the end, I realise that pouring salt on a partially-recovered wound, perhaps is the cruelest part...

Sorry to grumble too much. Guess once the exam is finish. At least I just need a little break now. And as usual, thanks for everything. All the sincere prayer, wishes, and blessings, and some don't ignore my last minute message, when indeed they can. To whoever, thanks really, I appreciate it =)

泼水节

2011-05-21T20:58:00.000+01:00

一个人一失去利用价值，将被唾弃、抛弃。

就像被泼出去的水一样，连看也不用了。

英国的夏天，很美。

2011-05-21T03:05:00.000+01:00

书得读，但学习的当儿，始终是获取知识的过程。也许有人不在意，但原来这些知识就是这么得有趣！感谢老天给我们念书的机会呀！比起读那些抽象的经济学或政治学，我觉得我们的药剂学很有实用价值。=）

***

与君一席话，胜读十年书，果然没错。

短短的对话让我明了更多人生百态，少爷脾气，公主病。。。

果然有好多事情，不是由年龄决定的。我活了几乎二十一年，不代表我的人生体验也是如此。

也许以前太懵懂、太天真，始终不愿相信世界太过残忍。
也许现在仍然太执着，不愿相信社会的暗潮汹涌。

感谢老天让我看着这些社会不平等的待遇。
知道我身当其中，虽有时当局者请，但现在看回来，又有些旁观者清。

我仍然学习着，如何去面对，如何去爱，如何去恨。
以前，我以为，人一定要互相帮忙，互相鼓励，世界是十二分的美好。
现在，也许开始看开了，开始知道人会耍手段，看出人性的真伪。
有些人，当初对你很热情，但后来，才发觉，原来背后，隐藏着恐怖的阴谋，实为口蜜腹剑。
有些人，看似单纯，但原来hoh，读心术比八爪鱼预算世界杯还要精。。。

我开始想追求的，也许，是该放弃的。
我开始都相信的，也许，是该放弃的。
感谢来自曼彻斯特、加的夫、吉隆坡、槟城、柔佛、亚庇（也许更多）默默的关心，与祝福。

我知道我仍然怀着那份信念，该死。
我知道我仍然爱着，活该。

最后我也不再明白为何自己有时就不能再享受也朋友们在一起的时光。
我喜欢看他们发自内心的笑容，为这份英国明媚的夏天，整天灿烂的色彩。
我喜欢看他们为了某某朋友的生日鞠躬尽瘁。

但最后，自己虽也尽力，但发觉，准备生日后，往往心里却是空虚的。

马拉松三天连续考试后，和他们在一起，考完了，却再也没有像他们讨论每一题的兴致。
我知道，这不是Old Jackie。
最后看着在那Student Union 学术言论的空间的朋友们，我离开了。

我有点不舍，但我并没有哭泣，同时，我寻回属于自己的呼吸。

英国的夏天，很美。

图书馆旁的枯树，仍然是没有叶子的模样。
就像我一样，仍有着一份执着。

***

成，生日快乐！
十五岁了，时间，过得很快。
从来，在家里庆祝生日的我们，就是懵懂，就是没有所谓的生日愿望。

我只怕我忘记，但若老天问我今年的生日愿望。
其中一个，会是：请让我的弟妹们早日感受到人世间的现实与残忍。但更请您保佑他们，顺顺利利闯过每一关，让他们成熟、让他们成长、让他们幸福。

只因为，我仍放不下无常。
我一直以为，我很负责任，我必须照顾你们。因为，我是你们的哥哥。
但我现在明了：以后你们将有各自的生活，你们会追求自己的理想，有自己的生活。
而我就算多好，也不能一生一世看着你们。
我祝你们，一切安好。若有什么问题，累了，倦了，那就回吧。。。 =）
也祝你们找到属于自己的另一半，让我能成为伯伯、或舅舅。

***

柔，应该在考试当中了吧？

若看到这边，心领了。

若没有，反正你也知道：咱们，加油吧！

***

晓，很感谢你那天的MSG，忘了回，趁这当儿，再向你说声：谢谢！

是的，是很不公平，但我也要像你一样：不习惯让自己不快乐=）

***

八月二十四日，正式回到大马国土。
其实说了也没用，由于地理的特别关系，爸妈肯定不会来接机。
朋友更甮说，像妈每次说的，你的脸洗白一点！

最后还能要麻烦Kenny，先在他的家里住一晚。

其实我并不是很想，毕竟刚刚从英国回来，我想，若能让他和家人“单独”团聚，更好。
我的意思：我这个“外人”，不应成为KacauDaun。
想退却，但Kenny一知道我要在机场过夜，他也不忍哪。

过了这么多年，仍会羡慕那些有父母送机和接机的朋友。
离开的当儿，看着那熟悉的眼神。。。
但也许上帝就是要善待我这这种多愁善感的动物。
也许若真有人来送机，我会抽泣，我会流泪？
也许因此，我更珍惜能和家人在一起的每一段时光？

Anyway， it doesn't matter.

而我更不明白为什么，突然有一种冲动，很想打电话给好久以前曾经招待我的朋友的父母。
像我的父母一样，他们老了，也许，更老。
我不明白为何，do that implies something? Anything?

一声：Kam sia!

最后，原来，感情还在

2011-05-18T14:14:00.002+01:00

今天是连续三天马拉松考试的第二天了。
有些喘不过气来，但其实，我们还是好好的活下去。
明天还有一份考试，但我不知为何，就是很想讲出好久以来要说的几句话。

今天早上，我们做所为的蓝巴士上学（考试），读笔记读到太专心了，后来才发觉，有一个阿婆站在我的面前。

顿时有些矛盾，应该它也站了蛮久了。我好像马上站起来让位给她，但又有点不好意思。
最后还是问了一声：Hi there, do you wanna have a seat?
没想到她竟然是轻轻的一声：oh never mind, you are having your exam, I'm fine...

有些失意，其实若我态度强硬些，她也会坐下。但我最后还是继续坐下去。

记忆的框框，又飞了。看着那满是皱纹的手，脸上岁月的痕迹，这是一位坚强独立的专业女士。

突然想起我妈，她以后，也会很老很老。当时，不知它能否也向我眼前这位这么硬朗？

我的容易焦虑，我的责任感，多多少少也是母亲的基因与熏陶。但想起以后，至少兄弟（姐）妹这么多，她不会孤单。

***

最近是考试时期，家里也越来越乱了。
当然未婚兼单身的男士，物资应该都是这样的。没话说。

但有时我仍很沮丧。也许我就是完美主义者，也许我就是要求比常人高吧？
向当时给我清理得有点象样的厨房，现在有时越来越不像样。。。有时看了，心里很酸。
坦白说，有时自己会想，反正明年我也不在这儿，随它吧。。。但原来，我做不到，看着凌乱的屋子，不知为何，有时很气。

我自认之际有时也会把厨房弄乱，碗碟有时丢着两天后才洗。

但我不明白，为什么有些碟、杯，竟然能放上两三个星期也置之不理？想骂又骂不出口，怕伤感情，但自己看了，又会不舒服。。。

最后惟有等到自己之日的那份星期，才真正把厨房又清多一次。但，同样的圆圈，包会来回旋转。

我不否认这么多人，责任感高的还是有的。

同样的，在这儿说话，不是像抹黒是谁，不是像说谁的坏话，不是因为自己不能在他们面前诚实。但我觉得，也许说了，影响也不大。只因为这是我的想法，我说的，别人未必觉得有必要。

想回来，若这时你自己的屋子，会忍心让它被置得不像样吗？

其实同样的现象，在我的家里也有发生。只有我妈和我会理会。。。有时回家看到乱七八糟的屋子，还真气人的。但就算我大发雷霆，也不能怎样，尤其我那些政治少年方刚时代的弟妹们。

也许我应该感恩，明年的室友，应该不再会这么整齐了。也许更糟。

但生活有时并没有第二份选择。只因为，现实有时就是太残酷。

有时默默地，做了。但回头，却因为小小的失误，就给人家一种“不负责任”的感觉。老实说，真的没有比这个更沮丧了。你明明尽心尽力，牺牲时间精力花心思的工作，就这样被他（们）糟蹋、质疑，你有口难言。

也许时间会证明一切。但对于一些自以为是的人，又能怎样呢？

***

转眼间就只剩下两个月半了。实在太快。住了不到一年的屋子，就像当初我离开Wolfson一样，有些不舍，有些伤感，有些惆怅，但却没办法不离开。

以后的日子仍是未知数，好多人说，会没事的，会好的，等等等等，但生活是我的。然后有人就会说，是你自己自找的，活该！我承认，但同时，难道我又很想面对今日这样的结局？难道我从来就没有困惑过、悲伤过、气过、后悔过、知错过？

***
整理我natural product的笔记，才发觉，竟有半盒A4盒子那么高！而今日的考试，有些人的combination，就好像可以完全不用读第二半年的笔记，其实真的没错。但我感激所学的一切，虽有时很辛苦，但尤其在考试时期，往往茅塞顿开，才发觉一切真的很make sense! 借此机会感谢ISB平时的一句话：I do enjoy your course!

***

而这次考试时期，至少仍会有那几分熟悉的笑容陪伴着，我无比感激。但明年此时此刻，不知我又是在哭，还是在笑？

最后，原来，感情还在。

Before Exam - It's Me Again

2011-05-15T15:15:00.001+01:00

I can't believe it, to fall into such a trap, really before the exam time.

I am the one that will sit for exam too.

Why everything has to come last minutes?

In the end everything is just my fault again?

I wish I have done nothing then.

What really upset me:

My sincerity, my intention, up to few weeks before, actually, is questionable.

Do anyone know the long term emotional struggle that I have to face because of that?

I tell no one, and in the end, after trying almost the best...I am being thrown into such huge dilemma.

Wish it ends, very soon.

As I know that, I myself have to be responsible for whatever that I will face soon, no matter how painful the process that I have undergone.

Yet again, I have reminded so many time, find others, why me, again?

Again, this is NOT fair and square to me...

* P/S: Dear CY, thanks for the long call. It not just a help to your sister but really also myself. Indeed I am more than grateful for your iPhone now, LOL~

Journey for the next 4 months

2011-05-10T03:43:00.002+01:00

It's a quiet moment at library.
Alone, yet not really alone.
Especially when you can make some head and tail out of your seems nonsense Drug Metabolism lecture.

I thought I will go back with an empty hand again.
I lost some time, yet what I get back is even more, perhaps.

Be grateful for whatever that you can have now.
As things may not be the same, in the future.
To love, and to be loved.

Thanks for the lovely maggi dinner and nice pork pie!
Simple yet meaningful.
Sometimes, more people doesn't mean, more fun.
This is true, especially for me.

To 194, a belated happy birthday! A new winter cloth, a new swimming suit, a new goggle =)

To others, exams soon! Exam is fun! Enjoy!

I mean it really, as in the end everything make sense only at exam period.

Hmm, bad boy, bad student, yet...yeah, that's what university student really is isn't it?

Finish exam, quite soon in 1 week time.
Indeed time is so short now.
Yet there will be even more after the exam:

Berlin, Germany

Munich, Germany

Germany - Neuschwanstein Castle - in The Fairytale

London, United Kingdom

South Devon, United Kingdom

Bristol, United Kingdom

And on the very nice courtesy of Malaysia Airlines - Syarikat Penerbangan Rasmi Paling Terkemuka di Malaysia, I will be flying back to my homeland Malaysia hometown Keningau. For the very 1st time I am so proud to be a MAS customer - chepaest international ticket ever...

Malaysia Airlines - MAS, purposely make it so big so that you can see it very clearly =)

Kuala Lumpur - Federal Territory - My transit point for home journey

Kota Kinabalu, Sabah

Keningau, Sabah
(and please don't ask me why I should put a shop as the picture here.
That's the biggest that I can get for this moment really)

And just reverse the journey sequence for the return journey -luo...

(All pictures and images are strictly for illustration purposes only. Nothing is for commercial purposes, OK??? And therefore I, am, not responsible for any damage, financially or whatsoeva, due to the use of any content in this post. Harap maklum.)

English Melodies + Motivational Melodies

2011-05-07T01:06:00.000+01:00

从重寻护照部到从重寻生日的意义

2011-05-05T20:35:00.003+01:00

本来以为护照不见了。。。结果，在这非常时期，被逼出动！
结果在同时，最后翻出的，不但是护照，还有一份珍贵的回忆。
是的，适逢某某老友的生日，我看着属于自己的生日卡。微笑一下，pasta! LOL~

"希望你好好生活着，我们都会陪伴在你身边。。。“
”希望你珍惜当下。。。”

这一切太久的祝福，突然，又重新摆在眼前。

是的，还记得本身的生日当晚，由于隔天是重要的星期五，stanozolol essay summit day (For Groups A-F), 我的邻居也不便陪我，因为，大家要赶啊！

我看得出我的“小弟”又留下的意思，但两位“哥哥”，他也不便再作什么。。。

生日的晚上，有点冷清，有点孤单，看着面子书不断的祝福，也不再觉得怎样。

是的，记得一位朋友说过，其实好多面子书的祝福也因为面子书的提醒而来，不然，有时可怜的小猫两三只。。。
但我仍感激愿意牺牲那半分钟来祝我的人，谢谢你。

重新翻回的记忆收藏里，除了来自曼彻斯特的敬荟，韵怡提前（或提后）的莎士比亚祝福。还有来自爱尔兰的，巴斯的。。。

有些信息，写出的意思，让人有种“赶时间”的感觉。就是不想将很多，草草收场。
所以，“长”不一定语重心长，重要的，是意思，是真心。
有些信息，则是句句细心，还有诗歌朗诵，足以体会出当中的意义。

其实庆祝生日的“传统”，在我来到UCSI之前，一直都是和家人简单庆祝，但我很满足=）

而现在，庆祝每一位在巴斯的朋友的生日，一时我们的adat/culture,庆祝时间与礼物的不同之外，意义，几乎一样。

还记得第一次自己organise的生日，就是新仪的生日。第一次的自制生日卡、第一次的红鸡蛋、第一次打给大家的忙碌。虽然要考两张两张春天的Paper，但精神上，很满足=）

而最近的生日，更让我看出准备生日的不易。我只想准备一份很简单的生日卡，但不熟悉的对象，而且这一次没有一位朋友的朋友愿意出手，只好本人个个出动。。。

准备的过程中，虽有时感叹自己的时间也在流逝，但更不想让自己的朋友过一段没有没有的生日。准备的同时，感触良多，更让自己看出人性真善美，现实，甚至丑陋的一面。

“没有时间”是现代人最琅琅上口的口头禅。是的，但回想，你有时间吃饭上厕所讲闲话，或上面子书，为何不肯牺牲那五分钟，为别人的生活，做出一些改变？你的五分钟，对你来说，微不足道，但对当事人来说，也许是最宝贵，最让他/她感激地感动时刻。

到现在仍不会烘蛋糕，只会做最简单的双红鸡蛋，只想为每一位朋友，送上一些祝福。

但最后连最后自己都会开始怀疑自己，这么做，真的是祝福，还是只是“do for teh sake of doing it"? 但回想，算好时间，而且有时朋友的生日，也特地为了半夜的庆祝而提早从图书馆回家，所以，是真心？是假意？真的，有时不是故意不懂，而是，想太多吧？最后反而迷失。。。

坦白来说，又说真的尽力而为，但不知为何到了最后，心情会有些失落。所以有时，生日的来临，给我忙碌的片刻，行动上，思想上，都是如此。。。

其实也许，做人不应太复杂。把很多事简单化，对谁都会好一点吧？

从新寻回以前的自己，发觉，对故乡的朋友，除了几位真的能算同生共死的，再也没有多少的眷恋。

而在这儿，不知为何感情上的改变，太过注重，对自己，对别人，都是负担。

有时打份简单的电话，只想询问对方最近过的好不好？温习到怎样？等等等等，我很抱歉，我不会说什么最新的明星动态，最新的足球消息，最爆的新闻。。。但有时，别人给我敷衍的感觉，就好像：”没有事是吗？那请别说太多，我很忙。。。“

面对多次了，连自己也不再被鼓舞，想打的电话，也越来越少了。而最后自己收到的feedback就是：你每次找我们都是有事才找。。。你的人，也不简单哪。。。我呆了，打又不是，不打又不是。。。

其实我要求很简单，我只想能和几位朋友在一起。但也许对我来说，最简单，也是奢望？

是的，能和三五知己，偶尔吃顿日本餐，偶尔打羽毛球，偶尔大家团聚一下，偶尔打份长途电话慰问，但不知为何，有时连这些最简单的，对我来说。。。似乎很遥远。。。

只因现在的思想，仍举棋不定。
有时，很感激。
有时，很气馁。
有时，很平淡。
有时，很澎湃。

但：
仍想起秋仪那笑声和houleboh的口头禅=）
仍想起韵怡那天真的笑容。

看着大学里那美丽的湖，夕阳西下，隐隐想到”The Lotus Eater"。我，也好像，好好的，躺在湖边，望着夕阳。。。

***

寻回以前的记忆，愿意为我庆祝生日的，您们的来临，我感激不尽。

有点像朋友说的，我不知最后毕业的你们会不会想念我，但我一定会想念你们。

怎样都好，在四年的巴斯，很短。但我知道，我在这边，过了四年，过的每一天，有你们的呼吸，有你们的笑声，有你们课业上的协助，有和你们打羽毛球的倩影与汗水。。。

珍惜现在，活在当下。只因为，现在只在现在存在。

巴斯，曼彻斯特，伦敦，巴斯，爱丁堡，爱尔兰，马来西亚的朋友，感谢你们曾经、现在与将来的陪伴。

我会尽力好好活着=)

Happy Birthday =)

2011-05-05T15:06:00.001+01:00

Another birthday, another success =)

To all, thanks for making this one another successful one.

Thanks to Sin Yee and 194 for the shopping.

Thanks to Kenny for the Guys card and Toffee cake.

Thanks to 66 girls for the awesome whatever butter cake!

Thanks to Yik Fei for video-ing.

And thanks also to Maybrick lady for her special appearance =)

And for those that have willing to respond, or even show willingness to initiate some help when I am collecting all the birthday messages...Thanks also.

Now I know there is 24 Dermarian, cool name =)

Another happy birthday wishes from me. =)

Finally 21, at this 21st century =)

Of course this is not the cake that we have. Anyway, happy 21st is applicable here =)

Another one to go, soon =)

I know it's hard works, guys, so thanks for all the time, money and effort.

Sincere,
JH

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.dreamcakes.ie/adult/tigger-21st-birthday-cake.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.dreamcakes.ie/other-cakes.html&usg=__a4uzql9Lx02AL6MvgO8pEY6vuAw=&h=500&w=433&sz=77&hl=en&start=0&sig2=1g81V0z7hUdH4axfCtONzQ&zoom=1&tbnid=4_z60j2JM0kW7M:&tbnh=131&tbnw=117&ei=Cq7CTc_kFYmo8AOzu6HyBQ&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dcake%2B21%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D685%26tbm%3Disch%26prmd%3Divns0%2C200&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=276&page=1&ndsp=30&ved=1t:429,r:19,s:0&tx=86&ty=90&biw=1280&bih=685

风

2011-05-04T16:55:00.000+01:00

就像风，她，那天，走了。

她的离去，默默地，一声不响。

自从我出生以来，对她的印象并不深刻，很不知道，这一切，是谁的错。

但她的离去，却给我打击。

他们的“保护”，对我而言，是伤害，是否定，是拒绝。

想起那刚刚过完的圣诞节，就像英国的冬天一样，冷静、冷酷。

不知为何考试时期却让我发挥更大的想象空间，想出许多不可思议的。

默默地，觉得平时不认识我的人；一时间，变得很“亲切”。

原来，知道了，只会更加伤害，只因为看到那最自私的一面。

感叹：只想寻找三五知己，但原来，有很多希望，真的是奢望。

默默地，觉得终有一天会遭人遗忘。。。

The Best Day - when you are with your mama

2011-05-01T05:16:00.003+01:00

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/the-best-day-lyrics.html

The Next Road - Only the Outcome

2011-04-30T15:02:00.000+01:00

It's the moment when have to a decision. Eventually.

It's the moment that I really don't want to face. I always hope that, I have more time. Yet of course, I am indeed, cheating myself.

The reminders finally become a burden to me. I feel anxious, and really, it's no way too good.
As simple anxiety may just need destress for a few minutes.
Yet a huge one, may lead to depersonalisation, and that's indeed, very difficult to cope.
It's some simple knowledge that I read through online and realise when looking at my dear PA20023 - CNS Pharmacology.

Anyway, I just wanna said that. Decisions should be made, always, under rational condition. After dilemma and struggle...which may be too much sometimes.
Please respect my decision. Hopefully it will yield most favorable outcome.
The problem with me sometimes is that I tend to lost count when making decision. May be need to consider others as well? Other factors? An in the end - DILEMMA & STRUGGLE...which is no fun at all!

I know some people are even more cruel when making decision, which is too good, I will say. They think A, and that's it - they do A. Even if begged / situations changes, A still A, no A-, no A--, not even to mention B+ or B or C.

Indeed such a person will be better may be, strict to a point, and no dilemma, no struggle, life - made really easier.

I wish to be too. Yet in the end I just cannot. People will laugh at me and will say why all the struggle?

It's not about worth it or not. It's due to more, my mind is making the decision, yet my heart is playing it's trick, always too.

In the end people will always look at the outcome. No matter how we struggle during the process, is no significance to them. They care ONLY about the RESULT / CONSEQUENCE. If it's good, salut! If it's bad, then may be it's a good idea to dump you into the rubbish!

OK, in short, I know this is a random post that is not for you. For my readers this time, apology for this. Yet I know you will agree with a simple point: Sometimes it's better to not know something.

Right?

été - 夏天来了 =）

2011-04-30T01:07:00.000+01:00

这几天，心情仍反复不定。
就像MC说过：有时候，只能让心漂游。
我，其实很不想。
但，我没有办法。
我，不想再勉强自己。

看起来比较快乐的自己。
对自己，对别人来说，都是好事。
有时，出自真心。
有时，可以伪装。
只因为，不想再让她担心。

而在这考试时期，偶尔收到意外的消息。
有时窒息，有时冷静，有时什么都不是。
感谢他与她的存在。
看着这几分熟悉的名字，回忆，刻骨铭心，历历在目。
LM，EL，AR，TE。。。 =）

就让这最后的三个月，成为最灿烂的回忆。
就像那初升的朝阳一样。
春回大地，百花齐放。
感谢阳光、感谢源源不熄的希望。

静静的，德国！
该踏出下一步吗？

英国的夏天，夏天在英国。
我想起莎士比亚的Sonnet18!

就算日长夜短，生物闹钟受到影响。
我，心甘情愿 =）

愿你也有一份愉快的 bank holiday 和夏天！

帮人帮己

2011-04-27T22:28:00.000+01:00

今天又花了一个小时。
帮别人，也帮自己。。。
一说起劲儿，就直接，什么都直接向别人说好了=）
也没什么，就只是在解释各种电话contract的不同。。。

想起CE以前曾告诉我，某某师兄为了帮他的朋友分享心事。。。
听到夜了，还得不眠不休的干完第二天要交的报告。。。
听到这儿，停了一下。
原来还有所谓的“无所谓的牺牲”
相比真正能做的人，真的不多。
所以我今天做的，到底是在帮别人？还是什么？
扪心自问：不知。不明。不懂。

也很突然，仍知不是真真能完全做到。
也明白，自己的生命由自己负责。
别人的不定数，能让你得意，也能让你失意。

但对于有忧郁症或人格分裂症的人来说，
喜怒哀乐，到了一个境界，不再由自己操控。
的确很难想象，但那种‘失控’的感觉，也的确不好受。
惟有早点察觉，提醒自己。。。

有些事情，以为过了，原来还没有？
well,尽力了，也希望你我能明白。
只因为，我，超不想，勉强自己，搞到心里复杂。。。

也因为要离开了。
更珍惜了，更明白了。
请别再说任何的最后，散了，仍是朋友。
只因，“最后”，是借口？是掩饰？还是终点？还是绝情？

只因我知道，即使流言蜚语太猖狂，但我知我认识的，就是你，就是他。。。
所以就算环境太恶略，我深思，我熟虑，是否该接受那些流言蜚语？

路遥知马力
日久见人心

枯藤老树昏鸦
小桥流水人家
古道西方瘦马
夕阳西下
断肠人在天涯

魔鬼的眼泪

2011-04-27T16:17:00.001+01:00

明知道会让自己失意的却仍选择走下去，到底是为了什么？

若能自私一点，结果也许会不一样吧？

想起妈以前的一句话：“横下心来。。。”

我逃避，我微笑，我无奈。。。

只能扪心自问，为何良心就是不肯放我离去。。。

想起失眠的夜晚，也突然想起柯南的一篇故事：魔鬼的眼泪。

“当魔鬼流下眼泪时，他已失去作为魔鬼的资格，再也回不来了。。。”

未来的不定数太大。路，一直都在，只能够静静的，慢慢地走下去。

Love blossoms at this spring in Bath

2011-04-23T22:06:00.002+01:00

Today I went to the town - by chance, and by luck...

Went with Kenny initially, and had a brilliant Italian ice-cream! Sounds like gelato! Biscotto and Special Chocolate? Forget the name, enjoy the taste =) Hahaha~

2 Layers ~

Then, on the way after that, saw a toy seller, selling some toys, and be surrounded by some happy kid, I do wonder, childhood? A so familiar yet so distance term for people, especially like me, now.

When walking, I think of that, again. At the end of this April, it will be only 3 months left. NET 3 months. 1 month for exam, and 2 months for placement. Time is so short actually...

I thought of the moment when I talked to her before, told her to keep good care of the room, of the house. I saw a sarcastic smile, implying ignorance: who cares? You HAVE NO RIGHTS TO SPEAK ANYMORE, so SHUT UP! My heart sank, a little bit. A house where I share my happiness and sadness, anger and frustration, hope and dream, friendship and brotherhood...will it be taken so lightly by the so called strangers, eventually?

I kept thinking of thousands possibilities. It was stupid to think. Indeed hopeless. Indeed pointless. Yet perhaps thats me.

Then was a trip to the awesome garden! It's free for Discovery Card Holder anyway!

巴斯-美景尽收眼底

鹤立鸡群

宁夏里有宁波

欧洲友谊，联手一起 -让我想起 7， Herbert Road =）

春天的我

伟大的她，渺小的我。这是雅典爱神雅典娜吗？

从小看到大

车水“马车”- 现代难得的奇景

空中一人，又爬又跳的。观众当然开心，但身为卖艺的，又不知有多少苦楚。。。
心中再苦，人前还是得笑啊。。。

Then on the way to Morrison, I looked at some old women. Common phenomenon in Bath, a tourists, students and retired people paradise. Out of sudden I thought of my mom, she would be so old one day, with so many wrinkles...As Chinese proverb said: Time forgives no people. I realise mom's wrinkles is more and more and ages progresses. I can't see hers through the Skype. I always think: Is it wrong or immoral if I just refuse to come back at this coming September? For a month. I know many people are waiting for me. Aunty, uncle, brother, sister, and yeah, parents, may be some friends that always at Keningau as well...I don't know, I feel slightly guilty. I do fall in dilemma.

To love, or to be loved?
To stay, or to leave?
To home, or to be here?

Well...Life, thousand of possibilities, choices to be made...Too many...

Thinking of placement:
London or Devon
Manchester or Rochester
Somerset or Dorset
Avon or Swindon
Wales or Wells

Soon we will be scattered to everywhere and anywhere.

And at this sunny day, just wanna thank him that make everything possible for me today! I thought I won't be anywhere in these 2 weeks again. I thought. So, thanks again!

And finally I start to see not only flowers to blossom at this spring. Some 'love' as well! Here and there! Well, others obviously, and may be myself? LOL~ Too much day dreaming...

And finally ---

A song shared by my sister, to be passed on to you:

Who says?

CNS Presentation is officially OVER!

2011-04-16T13:29:00.000+01:00

Finally finished my presentation today!

Emma's group on migraine was awesome! I love their presentation, indeed everyone are. Poor 4 people, bombarded with so many questions...

And I start to think, shouldl I take med chem = medicinal chemistry?

I know I do quite love chemical structure. So, should I?

I don't know, yet remembering pyridoxal phosphate as the cofactor for some amino acid decarboxylase really doesn;t mean anything I should say?

Erm...I started to be doubtful of everything...I can give it a try, ISB is a great tutor, yet will he be kind to me? Or I should really just try Med. Chem 1st?

从害群之马到aurora

2011-04-15T02:41:00.000+01:00

我一直以来都知道自己的使命，回到大马，为马来西亚公民服务。
但我今天，又再一次被政府的态度，冷到。。。
真的，有时真的要责怪那些害群之马的人！
就是他们让我们的政府，被搞到乱七八糟，七上八下。
是的，你可以很过分，但别忘了，你的孩子，甚至是你的子子孙孙，可能反而要付出代价。。。

***

我这几天，又是Dr.Rowan。。。
越来越觉得，这样的讲师，真是不可多得。。。
今天我们很迟很迟才能放学。。。
结果我还是最后一个从lab里跑出来的！
一看，他还在那儿，静静坐着，笑着。。。
那幅怡然自得的模样，又是salut!
还没冲出去之前顺便问他我的TLC成绩。。。
结果，又是简短却不失为详细的讲解！
Salut 2!

我更因此明白，原来每个profession里，都会有尽心尽力的那几位。
他们，从来不会觉得，因为自己做得更多，而有所埋怨。。。
也许，那时使命感、责任感、成就感，还是习惯？

我也希望，以后会是这样的药剂师！对我的医生、护士小姐，而最重的病人，都能耐心解释，聆听，明白，孜孜不倦！

我，会做到吗？

***

今天坐bluebas赶回家。。。
只因为记得，今天到我倒垃圾，然后明天又还要早早出去，所以早早做好比较好！
做家务其实是很enjoyable的事情，看到自己洗出来的成绩，一干二净，很有成就感！哈哈！

更何况，well，看着这间屋子，一切是那么的熟悉。。。
是的，仍不时怅然着。。。
那种感觉，和当初离开UCSI G03，或是WOLFSON L4.02, 并没有很大的不同。。。

今年的缘分，偶尔住回campus, 重新找到那种第一年找不到的快乐感！
窗外的桃花，虽偶尔沙沙作响，但仍然艳丽！
春天来了，桃花朵朵开！而偶尔在巴斯会找到粉红色的“樱花”树。
也许是sakura,也许不是，但那瞬间的认知、希望、满足感，应该已足够。

永不忘记一边啃着walkers,一边讲话讲到三更半夜的那种情景，
疲倦的代价很大，但，那种满足感，没有多少人会明白吧。

看这茁壮成长的树苗，总有一天他们的翅膀也会丰满，到时天马行空的翱翔，除了深深、默默的祝福，我什么再也做不到吧？

***

最后报告一下我的脚吧。

Infection calms down 后，开始做一些很微型的手术，以杀掉生长过多的指甲，去除细胞。。。

erm...只能说还好啦。。。过程是蛮痛的。。。但至少我不用像那医生说的，一天要ibuprofen 400mg tablets 1 TDS! （TDS 就是医药词，一天三次是也。。。）

然后还要再follow她给的SOP。哟，lab里SOP, lab外又是SOP，geng yeh 我!

***

我从那应是熟悉的眼光里，看出冷漠。。。

我从那应是陌生的眼神里，看出热情。。。

原来她是Nicole，原来他是Andrew John，我觉得Carol，也不会认识 Andrew John 吧？

只因为，原来生活，并没有所谓必须的。

静下心来，为别人想一想。。。

夜深了，窗外的黑暗里，仍然有熟悉的橙色，就像梦中的欧若拉一样=）

回忆中，永别了。

2011-04-12T02:39:00.004+01:00

木薯

那是我家的称法，我不知在西马或是世界其他角落，这不起眼的植物，又被称为什么名堂？

只因为，住在同一屋檐下，同样的马铃薯，我叫ubi kentang，她叫土豆，有人更甚，竟叫马铃薯为番薯！嘿kawan! 这两样薯，不是同样的薯leh...

儿时的记忆，想起小时仍是小学的时候，从来没有去过朋友的生日会，更从来没有所谓朋友为自己庆祝的生日会。。。

还记得小时，住在简陋的木屋，家旁有块小空地，kakak拿来种辣椒和马尼菜（sayur manis），后来，我和弟弟兴致勃勃，竟挤了一些木薯的茎进去！

嘿嘿，别小看这些不起眼的植物，生命力超强的！kakak对我说过，木属，种了不必太管，也不许可以浇水，自己仍会长大！但天真的我和弟弟，每次都抢着为小木薯浇水，他浇了，我又浇；或我浇了，他还浇。。。总之最后，木薯的那块地，往往是最最湿的！

但后来人长大了，再也没有这些玩游戏的兴致。人长大了，责任多了，不代表已失去童心。还记得小时，老师说：要帮有需要帮助的人。。。要勤力读书。。。要。。。

小时往往觉得，道德教育就只是打勾与打叉，天真的想法。。。

但人越长大越明白，原来道德并不是所谓的简单。道德是心里明白的，但行动上？well...

原来从来没有所谓的天真，人终究要长大，终要追随社会的“潮流”，或风气，或社会传统。。。总之，原来道德的约束力已越来越弱，怪不得法律越来越系统化、复杂化。。。只因他律比自律更有效吧！

的确有时仍感无力，有时就是不太能久受这种社会现实的模式。。。但真的，生活有时并没有所谓的第二份选择。。。

天真无虑的童年，永别了。

***

今年夏天。。。Dr。Rowan就要退休了。。。

是的，其实去年已听到消息，但真没想到，他，真的这么老了。。。

还想起当初他教的Pharmaceutical Analysis, 坦白来说，我没有多少个很懂的。。。只因一切太新鲜。。。未能适应。。。

但是他每每教书也身体力行，那教书是夸张又风趣的动作，向来只有他做到，salut!

后来今年选option时，才发觉natural product是大家的选择，不为什么，只因有一位刻苦耐劳，愿意细心聆听并回答你的问题的讲师，静静等着你进入他的课程！

也因此，大家当初还开玩笑说，叫他留多一年吧！教完我们再走也不迟！不然，我们也学英国人demonstrate去！

我听了，只微微摇头。。。

为了光明的前途，也许应自私的叫他留下来。。。

但我更明白，人教书教了这么多年，也许倦了，也许麻木了，也许闷了。。。而突然就这样退休，一定也会无所适从。。。所以想必他这次这么认真的退休，应该是早就打好的计划吧！

所以更明白，与其埋怨、与其诅咒，不如默默祝福他退休后，过上健康快乐、知足常乐的乐龄生活。

感恩至少他已经与我们相伴两年，他的任劳任怨，夸张的态度，有时搞笑的语调，虽然被一些人看扁，但我更相信，感激的学生更多。。。

只因即使没有苦劳，也有功劳。。。

回忆中，Movement of atom again 钻入我的脑海里。。。

Dr。Rowan, Our Little Mad Professor! 好不希望永别，得空时再来我们的lab, 听你那又长又闷，但令我们怀念的讲解！

***

最后，quote 一位朋友的话：

回忆不痛，痛在回忆。

（名词）（动词）

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.paulnoll.com/Oregon/Cooking/tapioca-leaves.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.paulnoll.com/Oregon/Cooking/tapioca-leaves.html&usg=__YEj4t-h-qVzLWluHnjJzDbrcizM=&h=287&w=434&sz=50&hl=en&start=0&sig2=f97OFEJTtOq3ecZSweXkzg&zoom=1&tbnid=xJb5GkiNwES0RM:&tbnh=139&tbnw=185&ei=O6ajTffgHoKB5AbR_9j7CQ&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtapioca%2Bplant%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D685%26tbm%3Disch&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=446&vpy=86&dur=300&hovh=182&hovw=276&tx=139&ty=99&oei=O6ajTffgHoKB5AbR_9j7CQ&page=1&ndsp=31&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:0

喝干醋

2011-04-10T02:00:00.001+01:00

弟弟终于拿到了面试信。。。下个星期。。。
以他的成绩，能拿到面试的机会，太幸运了。。。
而我突然领悟到，为了弟弟，为了妹妹，的将来，我要撑着。
继续好好的活下去，不但是对自己的生命的负责，更是对他们的无私。

我时而质疑自己的能力，但真的，有时，生活，并没有更好的第二份选择。

转眼间才想到已好久没和大弟联络，除了知道他专心致志念他的工程，我什么也不知道。。。

他可以每天打电话给老豆，提醒要叫醒他，那我呢？（吃醋。。。）

Cheh，远方的你，听见我偶尔的思念吗？

无论如何，加油吧！

=）

I look forward the day when 3 laptops are reunited again.

康祥安琪成福

Sunny Saturday, Pain Lecture, My Oslo

2011-04-09T20:24:00.002+01:00

I just finished the 1st lecture with Dr. Chris Bailey, last Friday...

We learned about nociception, how pain is perceived by our body...

It reminds me of a certain thing: Physical pain can be torturing, can at the skin level: exact; at the viscera (internal organ) level, wider spread...

Yet may I just know why that kind of emotional / mental pain can even be more torturing? Where is the receptor? What is the transmission mechanism?

I am wondering, I believe many do, yet of course, perhaps the answer is never important...

***

Today is a very sunny day.
Temperature is 20 degree Celcius...

Il fait bon!
La ciel est bleu!

Finally spring really has come to Bath.

To all, have a great spring!

***

Finally I manage to have access to the garden behind my house.

Due to the long, cold winter, I don;t manage to open the door to backyard when I want to that day. May be it's the condensation, may be is the block of the newspaper, may be everything has been arranged.

I wish to play tarot card that can predict my future destiny, more than accurately. Uncertainty to the future is definitely everyone's problem, I know it's sound so stupid to get to know the future...yet yeah, I just wondering...

***

Easter : Oslo, Norway!

Vigeland Sculpture Park (Vigelandsparken)

Akershus Fortress (Akershus festning)

Holmenkollen Ski Museum & Tower

The Viking Ship Museum (Vikingskipshuset)

***

My RAY

2011-04-08T01:59:00.000+01:00

I GET my RAY.

Sue

2011-04-03T23:15:00.000+01:00

Looking at Sue...

My favourite during my PMR years, Form 1 and Form 2?

I remember one of the part in the movie out of sudden...

It's when Sue was crowded by so many people and she just be able to stay stunted there...silent...

And finally, "It's a long day, guys, I think I wanna go home now =)"

She's lovely, she's responsible, she loves her job, sooooo much, and she's not anti-social.

Yet, she's deaf. And she can do usually, is doing lips reading.

So she's more comfortable with 1 to 1 interaction.

In a crown, she just did not know whom she should read, in the end, she was confused, she was tired, and so, yeah, 'it was a long day, guys..."

Yet I still remember her words, she has no rights to be angry, and in the end, I still remembered the happy ending =) It's just another happy, confident, Sue.

Sue is deaf, yet she can become an FBI, because she has that DETERMINATION.

Besides lovely Levis, I suddenly remembered of my next prescription soon, Diazepam, for animals =)

Believe in love =)

To stay, To leave, THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

2011-04-02T17:03:00.000+01:00

Without realising, this is my 302nd post already!

***

To stay or to leave?
To leave.
As I need to move on.

To stay or to leave?
To stay.
As I love Bath, so much.

To stay or to leave?
If only I don't have to make so much choice, in my life.

***

Pass JPJ, and that's it!
All the best, to you =)

***

Spring has really come to Bath!
To everyone, enjoy the spring while you can, OK!
Love the flower, the wind, the sunshine...
Besides Remember Miranda =)

凌晨漫步

2011-04-01T01:47:00.002+01:00

离开了黑暗，回到了光明。

虽然仍是熟悉的寂寞，但，就是那熟悉的感觉，才是最实在的。

SR，加油！

試用

2011-03-31T00:18:00.002+01:00

她這時心中一定會想，為甚麼自己會被踢除？是自己哪裡做不好嗎？我從餘光中看著她，她的表情，和以往一樣，沒有快樂，沒有悲傷，只是，她的心會哭泣嗎？

我心軟不能管人事。很慶幸的，我的工作也只需要專心看病，不需煩惱診所的人事。所以當小英離職後，便由護理長負責去找新護士，她登報兩個月後，才有一個人來應徵，面試後，護理長請她來試做，試用期多久，我沒去過問。

我看到這個新來的護士，大約廿歲，頭髮長長的，長的普普通通，工作起來，倒還中規中矩，會打針，會掛號，來了3天，好像就能上手，工作中沒出甚麼差錯。只是，她就是很安靜，3天下來，我和她沒說超過十句話，她就是安安靜靜的工作，不會和人打招呼，我也沒看過她微笑。

但請個人到診所來，就是要來做事，只要打針掛號的事做得好，其他都沒有關係。更何況她來的這幾天，整個診所的工作一樣進行的很順利，沒有聽到有病人抱怨她打針打不好，或是掛號等很久的事，雖然她不對病人微笑，但病人來是要看醫生，醫生笑就好，所以在我心中，慢慢覺得她已經是可以接受的人選了！。

你，明天不用來了

這個週末我休息，當我再來上班時，就見到一個護士很高興的和我打招呼，說：“醫生好，我是佳宜，請多多指教！”我人一愣，看她的樣子，也大約是廿歲，長長的頭髮，長的普普通通，但臉上就是展現很開朗的笑容。我的第一個反應是──這個護士，是上星期來的那個嗎？怎麼才過一個週末，臉上的笑容就進步那麼多？我的神經其實很大條，那護士已經來一星期，但她的長相我都還記不清楚，甚至連名字也不知道！

但見眼前的這一個護士，除了熟練之外，工作中因微笑而多了一份熱情與活力，她很會和人接觸，看到病人會打招呼，我猜想，應不是同一個人吧！我於是問護理長，她回答說：“這是另一個來試做的！她的名字叫佳宜。”我問說：“那麼上星期那個叫甚麼名字？”她回答說：“淑芬！”

我這時才記下淑芬這名字。如此忙碌到晚上，當所有的人都下班時，護理長問我：“今天來的佳宜，和上星期來的淑芬，你覺得哪一個比較好？”我並沒多去想她問我這話的目的，只是按我一天下來的感覺，直接回答她說：“佳宜比較好，她會和人打招呼，工作中也充滿熱情。”她聽了微笑點點頭。

第二天下午，我再來上班。這一天，輪值的護士是小龍女，和上星期來的淑芬。病人因天氣冷開始多起來，我們三人一直忙到晚上，這當中，我因為體溫計壞掉了，需要不斷呼喊外面的護士拿她們的額溫鎗來幫我量體溫，只是我又接二連三的忘記淑芬的名字，必需用對講機問小龍女，小龍女回答得很不耐煩，說：“她叫淑芬，就是全台灣最多人取的淑芬！”所以這一個晚上，我喊了很多次“淑芬！淑芬！”她每一次聽到，都會放下打針的工作，進來幫我量體溫。

如此做到下班前一小時，我看到護理長來診所了，她來診所原就很平常，診所的大小事，常把休假中的她叫回來。而這時病人多，我也沒問她回來做甚麼。只見她在我門口經過了數次，好像有些事在忙，然後就離開了。

她走後，小龍女進來跟我說：“護理長剛才跟淑芬說，她做到今天，明天不用來了！”我聽了，人一愣，馬上想起兩天前她問我那個護士比較好的事，她這樣的決定，難道和我有關嗎？我的眼睛忽然湧現不可抵擋的酸楚，而淑芬這時在打針，和我隔一道牆，我心想，她這時，還有心情工作嗎？她的心會如同針刺般的難過嗎？她會不會流眼淚？她的心會不會滴血？

她的心，會哭泣嗎？

我懷著忐忑不安的心情繼續看病，淑芬這時應是打完針，便見她進來我的診察室，而我正在幫病人聽診，她走到我身邊，幫我拉起病人的衣領，方便我檢查，這是我們的護士平時很懶得做的一件事，而她就在這時做了，我的眼淚幾乎就要掉下來！她這時心中一定會想，為甚麼自己會被踢除？是自己哪裡做不好嗎？是不是自己沒在醫生忙時進來幫忙拉衣服嗎？我從餘光中看著她，她的表情，和以往一樣，沒有快樂，沒有悲傷，只是，她的心會哭泣嗎？我很想告訴她，她其實已經做的很好了，她並沒有犯甚麼錯，但在這情況，我真的也不知要怎麼開口。

晚上10點下班了，我簽完賬本，要離開，淑芬這時在換衣服，我在更衣室的門口跟她說：“淑芬，我要走了，再見！”這是我第一次和她說再見，也會是最後一次，我沒聽到她的回答，我也怕萬一她出來時會流眼淚，我說完轉身，和小龍女揮手，下班離去。回家的路上，我一直在想，今天晚上，她回到家裡，要如何和自己的家人說：“我被診所辭退了！”她到現在一定都還不知道，她不是做得不好，只是有個競爭者，做得比她好。

我回到家，打電話告訴朋友這事，她說我太感性了，試用期沒過不續用，原本就是職場中屢見不鮮的事，怎需為這事耿耿於懷呢？我想了一下，發現我從畢業後，這麼多年來工作都很單純，只用我的專業，就做得比任何人都穩定。我真的比任何人都幸福，只是如今，在不經意的情況下，涉入了別人的適者生存的循環中，因為不適應，我到了深夜，仍無法入睡，悲傷不能自己。

星洲日報／副刊‧文：歐陽林‧2011.03.23

I just wanna prove that spring has come to Bath!

2011-03-29T02:06:00.001+01:00

Spot the difference first!

AND

And I love the carrying 'wives' competition beside the lake...

My spring picture for last spring...

And the link for my picture at Uni. of Bath for last spring/summer:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=47078&id=1660298209

Hope it works if you try it =)

And lets just end with the picture of someone's hubby, woohoo~

I can't remember what's the name of the garden again,

yet I wish to go there and have a look around it, too, before the spring ends.

If you think you will go (and may be, again), please tell me! =)

Appreciate the spring, short, yet sweet.

Hopefully to make spring at Somerset a memorable one =)

And just wanna take this opportunity to thank Ms. C.EE again =)

XXYY

2011-03-27T13:03:00.002+01:00

有时有一种很没用的感觉。。。
心情沉落谷底。。。
这样的情绪起伏，反反复复。。。

我很不想再靠XXYY来继续生活。。。很不想。。。
隐隐约约，放下电话，面对着空虚的房间。。。
其实最空虚的，是那份心灵。

好想好想，冲去那虚拟的花园，痛痛快快地玩一次。。。
真的，好多事已尽力，但最后，上帝果然要让我有自知之明。。。
Dispensing，就是一份最好的例子。
开了BNF，作了笔记，但最后。。。
（笑一下）

Presentation，改了又改，又改，又改。Gai luo! Shhs!

而今天早上的心血，电脑先生的杰作，连渣也不肯留下给我。。。

其实最后，自己想做什么，自己也已经不知道。

妈那天对我说，什么事，都要和她说。
但现实是，不是什么事都可以讲的。
有些现实，很残酷。
我不忍心，再怎样都好。
也许，一个人静静面对，对他们来说，还是最好的。

静静的，慢慢的。。。
看这手机的响声，响个不停，但最后，每人接。
（再笑一下）

有些人的形容词，听起来，很美很美。
但最后，果然，现实中，居然还是这么的陌生、冷淡。。。
那我宁愿不再接受任何一种形式的提醒。

很想拿出那橡皮擦，再自己记忆的框框里，狠狠的擦一下。
但果然，人生不是梦。

短短的

2011-03-26T00:26:00.000Z

看到Justin和Amanda的背影。。。

想到以后几位朋友们也要面对这样的困境。。。

忽然有很失落的感觉。。。

Thanks to recomment 'Limitless' to me. It's an awesome one! Great one! Thanks guys!

It's a great night to me.

Well...

Limitless =)

Time is limitless. Yet your life, your chance, is not.

只有到那一刻的到来，我会半解脱。最后，会解脱=）

Getting attention, etc

2011-03-24T00:46:00.001Z

A common phenomena that I have observed for a long time...

Some people get attention easily, as he/she starts to talk...
Some people get attention as he/she use such a high amplitude speaker voice...
Some people just hardly get attention, worse as he/she need an amplifier to help to get attention...

In the end, I realise I just can't be the 1st one, neither 2nd...

Is it a change means I should heighten my volume so that everyone will hear me?

Well, that's not me.

Stop the nonsense if you refuse to change! Don't talk crap here!

Oops, sorry...

***

And I don't know if I realise the correct thing.
Sometimes I feel that my friend want me to revert back to Old Jackie as at UCSI.
May be it is so that, at least when I am being ignored. I won't feel so bad, neither do them.
I mean, they just don't wanna see my sad face anyway, as they really don't know how to approach / face me at the end? Or they just don;t care how they should approach me...

Yet you know, even UCSI changed name to UCSI U.

And perhaps, is my excessive thinking again.
I mean, perhaps no one have thought about it in the end...
Who cares about you in the end? Everyone has own life to buzy with, you know...

Yeap yeap yeap, I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

***

Spring has come to Bath at the end.
Sun bathing every day.

I did realised some of my friend is seeing GP recently.
Yet in the end, I think that, it's time to stop asking now.
People will not interpret it as concern, anyway.
May be, worse.

I lost the courage to get to know that.

I don't want to be accused to be something else again.

I admit I wanna know, sometimes I wonder, is such a thought, actually, is wrong?
Or, against the normal norm?

I need an answer, what is the norm? Because it is determined by all of you.
And sadly, I lost in updating myself with it, from time to time.

Sometimes I find myself lost in following a multi-person conversation.
Not dementia.
Yeah, too early...

***

And to Ang2, it's an impresive result in the end.
I, AM PROUD OF YOU.

Apology as I have a dispensing test to rush.
If not, I wish to stay longer time with you.

You will do it =)
You know that =)
I believe that =)

Brother,
Jackie

Recently Fall in Love to...

2011-03-22T03:26:00.002Z

离开三千烦恼丝

2011-03-20T17:53:00.000Z

Kenny和194啊，我会想念你们在厨房煮东西时，那最爽朗的笑声。

日子过了，再过了，很快了。。。

大家，我不想再沉淀下去。

平日的一切，很暗。

今天，离开了三千烦恼丝，心情也爽朗了一些。

路上想了很久，他们说出自己的离别时，很淡很淡。

没有潇洒，没有不舍，就只有对将来的向往。

好想好想，自己也一样。

能否让我潇洒走一回？

看着自己的心态动静，越看越觉得不可思议。

Deviate太远了，还好吧？

只感叹长大的过程，太不容易。

春天，还会远吗？

2011-03-19T21:51:00.001Z

来到英国，已经几乎两年了。
来到这儿，当初的人生地不熟，如今，对这一份说大不大，说小不小的巴斯城，有了一份很特别的亲切感。
英国在世界北部，因此常年秋冬长、春夏短，见怪不怪。

圣诞节来临之前，下午四点，天色已昏暗。然后，早上，要等到很久，才会看到吝啬的阳光。
总之，冬季时刻，阴暗的天色时光多，能看到灿烂的阳光，是一种难得的幸福。

而当中国与大马在庆祝农历新年时，除了感叹不能和家人团聚，更感叹春节后的天气，仍然很冷。
是的，还是得穿大衣出门。
习惯了，就见怪不怪了。

但现在，英国的春天，也许真的到了。
今天几乎是阳光饱满的一天，本来想封闭自己的，也禁不住诱惑出去活动一下。
仍然忘不了秋仪和伙伴们在曼彻斯特享受阳光的阳光笑脸。
虽不能身临其境，但看到那份笑容、那份倒影、那份自信，就已经觉得满足。

真正的夏天到时，阳光八点晚上才会下山，然后在凌晨三四点，又会出现了。
时间好像想和我开玩笑，时间感上的错乱，是因为人体本身也有生物闹钟的缘故。
是的，就是circadian rhythm - biological clock.

只感激上帝仍让我在巴斯，享受与弟弟和妹妹快乐的滋味。

冬天去了，春天，还会远吗？

当你看到图书馆的隔壁就是色彩斑斓、炫耀夺目的五色花朵时，就知道了=）

The Song

2011-03-16T21:31:00.001Z

사랑을 아직 난 몰라서
Sa-rang-eul a-jik nan mol-la-seo
더는 가까이 못가요
Deo-neun ga-gga-i mot-ga-yo
근데 왜 자꾸만 못난 내 심장은
Geun-de wae ja-ggu-man mot-nan nae shim-jang-eun
두근거리나요
Du-geun-geo-ri na-yo
난 당신이 자꾸만 밟혀서
Nan dang-shin-i ja-ggu-man balb-hyeo-seo
그냥 갈 수도 없네요
Geu-nyang gal su-do eobs-ne-yo
이루어질 수 도 없는 이 사랑에
I-ru-eo-jil su do eobs-neun i sa-rang-e
내 맘이 너무 아파요
Nae mam-i neo-mu a-pa-yo
하루가 가고 밤이 오면
Ha-ru-ga ga-go bam-i o-myeon
난 온통 당신 생각뿐이죠
Nan on-tong dang-shin saeng-gak-bbun-i-jyo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-bo gat-eun nal
어떻게 해야 좋을까요
Eo-ddeoh-ge hae-ya joh-eul-gga-yo
마음이 사랑을 따르니
Ma-eum-i sa-rang-eul dda-reu-ni
내가 뭘 할 수 있나요
Nae-ga mweol hal su itt-na-yo
이루어질 수도 없는 이 사랑에
I-ru-eo-jil su-do eobs-neun i sa-rang-e
내 맘이 너무 아파요
Nae mam-i neo-mu a-pa-yo
하루가 가고 밤이 오면
Ha-ru-ga ga-go bam-i o-myeon
난 온통 당신 생각뿐이죠
Nan on-tong dang-shin saeng-gak-bbun-i-jyo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-b gat-eun nal
어떻게 해야 하나요
Eo-ddeoh-ge haeng-ya ha-na-yo
내 아픔이 무뎌져 버릴 날이
Nae a-peum-i mu-dyeo-jyeo beo-ril nal-i
언제쯤 내게 오긴 할까요
Eon-je-jjeum nae-ge o-gin hal-gga-yo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-bo gat-eun nal
어떡해 하란 말인가요
Eo-ddeok-hae ha-ran mal-in-ga-yo
달빛이 너무나 좋아서
Dal-bich-i neo-mu na joh-a-seo
그냥 갈 수가 없네요
Geu-nyang-gal su-ga eobs-ne-yo
당신 곁에 잠시 누워 있을게요
Dang-shin gyeot-e jam-shi nu-weo iss-eul-ge-yo
잠시만 아주 잠시만
Jam-shi-man-a-ju gam-shi-man

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

让梦展翅飞翔

2011-03-15T00:57:00.001Z

今天，有段时间，深思。。。

也许我要求的，实在太高。

我拿出真心对待人家，不应要求回报。

回想，

我拿出真心对待别人，

并不代表别人也应该这样对我。

但若最后，大家的对待只让我一无是处、格格不入，

我期望的，是否还是很过分？

只因人是合群的动物

也许我应该继续天真地想，情况会更好。

当大家都无话可说时，我，早就明了。

可有些事实，就是太残酷，我，好难接受。

也许，是真的是我自己想太多。

也许，是自己的要求太高。

也许，一切的不公平，都是我应承受的。

也许，交友处处难，是因为我不曾努力，

还是这是上帝的另一份考验哪？

Tried，yet God is more powerful in the end.

隐隐约约，也许我应继续挂着那微笑过日子。

其实，也许，大家是关心，但有多少时间, boleh jaga tepi kain orang?

今天，一位朋友来找我谈心，我提醒了，但最后。。。

恶讯。。。

隐隐约约，是当事人的残忍，然我的眼泪，也似乎夺眶而出。

太感性、太软弱、太忧郁、太犹豫，仍是我的缺点。

终于，我也知道一直以来，我的部落格是伤心的、沉重的、忧郁的。

只因为，这也是我的日记。

终于我了解，它更是我的精神支柱，我的倾诉对象。。。

有时，甚至胜过面对那些不能再说什么的朋友。

我感谢敬荟然我有这份小智慧，虽不能登大堂之雅，但为了满足自己的世界，却应足够。

当然，也应为仍有一群会时不时关心一下的朋友，让我有继续的勇气。

其实随着阳光的到来，心情也开朗了许多。

开朗也许不最正确，不最贴切，但，positive，应是真的。

隐隐约约，直到问题所在，但无法越过那份心理障碍，则何时都是无句号的终点。

再也没有办法了吗？有人说，置之不理吧？但每天要面对的问题，说不理，就不理。

人生，从不是那么简单。

（当然，其实，人生也并不那么复杂。。。）

朋友再三提醒，Kenny和194的牺牲已够大，够远，够贵。。。

不应再辜负他们。

是的，他们不应承受这样的结局。

是我的错，我愿意面对。

现在，就已经再面对着，而且，所承受的白眼、歧视、压力，并不轻。

当然，并不代表，我就因而伟大，或够了，或算了。

只因为，我，从来不是。

只想让你们明白，我感叹人世间的不平。

看着周围的人，为了我，受到这样的不平，是他们心甘情愿，并不代表我觉得理所当然。

而看着自己承受的不平，太久了，习惯了，麻木了。。。

当然，自己仍是常人，仍会有心理不平衡的时候。

但，比起过去，接受程度是提高了，但不代表infinite程度。

看这Kenny的生日，慢慢过去。

我看着那份幸福的笑容，自己也微笑着。

我衷心祝福，望幸福为了你常存人间。

我不再要为你做什么，只因我知道，大家都会很有义气为你做很多很多事。

所以我选择，静静坐在旁边，做一份我知道别人不会overlap的任务。

不代表我不再重视，不代表我已忘记。

我只想，在这一份特别的日子里，做一些我能做的事，默默为你送上祝福。

是的，你会说，我在炫耀。

做就做吗，说这么多，干嘛？

你要怎么说都好，我本身，就像别人一样，在后台，我有我的任务。

最终要自己明白，若每一件事都要别人感谢你，是非必须的。

看这那份笑容，你来跟我说话，睬我一下，我，已心满意足。

只望不再看到脸色，不再听到刁难的语气。。。

我明白，有一些，只是奢望。。。

但，人生，因有希望，因有梦想，才会有活下去的勇气。

让梦展翅飞翔 =）

p/s: Hui，仍太悲观嘛？

华文-爱

2011-03-14T01:03:00.001Z

Writing a new diary for this kind-of-peace week.

I am busy partially with BAMSA stuff. Yet compared to last year, it's not guilty anymore.

I do find time is just still limited as usual, yet I find myself giving myself more excuses to slow down, which is good, and bad...

I can;t let myself indulge in total happiness. I mean, there's too many times when I am happy then I will have a deep fall into a very low state, just like maniac people with great swing in their mood. Yet don;t worry guys, I AM NOT MANIC!

Perhaps in the end I accept the fact that happiness is not ultimate for everyone. Indeed. Just appreciate every single moment that can make you smile, and then move on...

In fact I realise some people are actually not very happy, like me, too, can't say they are not contentful. Yet when the reasons used are 'self improvement for future benefit', I find it a little bit too selfish.

Nowdays I realise my calls are extremely ignored by few friend that I am 'close' by, and that's really, really, really, remind me. Although I should kind of accept it as a norm, yet, too cruel to be digested directly.

And while on the way on house hunting, I tried to rely on helps on some friend. And that makes me see the ugly face of some people, suppose their real face. If you refuse to help me, or think you just cannot, can you say it clearly and don;t leave me with commas, and not full stops everytime? You know, it makes everything confusing, I am not sure, and please understand me that suffer emotional restrain to certain extent to find a shelter for next year? Please don;t make it worse by hanging over there, leaving me alone, with uncertainty. I know, it's none of your business, anyway, fine, then...

In the end, I still blaming sometimes. Blaming whoever for making me hanging at this hard position now. Some friend may ask, and sometimes I don't know I should be happy or not. In the end I can only answer people with a slight head shake. A big no with a smile: X Worry, yet...erm...

Yet who cares anyway at the end? I mean, every person regard it as really it is your own business. "Go and find yours, don;t disturb me here, shhu shhu shhu! OUT!"

And BAMSA practise today. Wait like crazy for the no.18 bus for almost an hour! Yet in the end although we arrive at almost 6pm, the real rehearsal is only at 7pm...OMG...I am like, I know, sometimes something is just beyond our control...yet...

Just like my toe-ache. It;s getting more and more prominent. It kinds of settling down before. Yet come again, And the expert can only be seen in 2 weeks time. I am speechless, indeed. Yet apart from shouting pain sometimes, there's really nothing that I can do.

I still find some strength to mix into my friends nowadays. Yet may be the result is quite disappointing. I tried to change my perception, to just observe them from faraway, and smile quietly, sometimes. Yet sometimes I asked myself: 我是在微笑，会心一笑，还是苦笑？

And sometimes I feel that, people don;t like me is due to my own problem or behaviour. Yet that is not a total reason to change your personality. Seriously. I mean, I do hope I can be more widely accepted. I do think about it, quite deep, sometimes, and in the end perhaps...well...yet I will say that individualism is one important aspect in my personalities. So yeah, lonely is prominent, yet, any better way to cope with it?

而看着刚才的华人舞蹈，背景音乐却是韩歌。够悲哀的。一首我本身不懂的歌曲，却就是这样轻轻触动着我的心旋，似乎想引起我的共鸣。看着雨伞轻轻转着，我看到一去不复返的时光。看着那犹如心跳的部分，不只想让我想起我过去点点滴滴的心跳？还是什么呢？

而中华文化的一切就这样渗入我的血脉里，丰富我的生命，呼唤我的灵魂，触动我的心旋。虽不是第一语言，华文掌握程度较慢，但我最终受到上帝的保佑，让我在这份领域里一展所长、让我能继续学习华文，继续寻找我的方向。

马来文，是我与家人、沙巴社会的沟通语言。
英文，是我与老外交际、学习的正式语言。
华文，是我与亲戚朋友交际的语言，更是我内心的官方语言。

但也突然叹气，能让你感到亲切的，却也许是伤你最深的。。。

最终我不知现在该怎样下去。。。而有些人身在福中不知福。

看这一位Junior，由于我和她，一个第三空间的条件，给我有着一种微妙的关系。

当然，这是我的感觉，而我虽看到聪颖、明媚、活泼的一面，同时也感受到现实、“我可不好惹”的一面。所以，这是一种复杂的感觉。但，这，并不重要。

然，偶尔那种心痛的感觉，很奇怪，我只能感叹，为什么，又是我？

果然，爱在给人幸福的同时，也给人伤害。爱得最深的，也是伤得最深的。

***

最后，阳光越来越耀眼，春天真的来了。这几天阳光再现，我这亚洲少年，真的被这些阳光阳化了！而虽然明日开始又要下雨，但雨爱的奇迹，会一直延续，我相信，我会看到彩虹的美丽=）

Coincidence

2011-03-12T00:50:00.000Z

There's too many coincidence in my life now.

Today we're having a lecture with Dr. Denise Taylor, she's simply awesome! She really knew what she herself is talking =)

And during the Bipolar lecture, she had mention that maniac people feel like coincidence is like within their own power. For example, the ability to change red traffic light to green, magically!

Erm erm erm...I am reminded of coincidence, at the other extreme.

Today, not too bad, just that we had a great badminton session from 11-12, and thats when my PBL as well. Strictly speaking if I have no important briefing to my collegues on the new changes of the slides, I would rather not going.

Then after the seminar (which was actually a lecture itself!), I fall asleep at the library, for almost 2 hours, with the apparent coldness, attacking, deep into the bones. Fine, then after home, worse, I lie on the bad, and just can;t sleep now.

These are not the only coincidence.

As the last user, for example toilet, if the cover is wet, even if you are not the culprit, you are responsible for it. And in my heart, I screamed: I even wipe the cover myself with antibacterials sometimes, and now I have to be treated like this...

And whenever I feel to go for a badminton session, it's either the booking fail in the end, and I just carry the racket around for fun, or else it will be extremely crowded, or else I have something, like PBL today.

And I have said to myself so many times I wanna go for some classes, and in the end, I always end up with unable to go. 1st time, I don;t know the location. 2nd time, I am not informed, and some sort left out, and third time, yeah, soon...

Many more coincidence, till in the end I feel like played, tricked, trapped...

Poor coping skill? May be, it's not pretending, no one wanna being trapped in too many coincidence that will make them feel low at the end. Sometimes I feel like people always think that: Ohh, Jackie, you/he will be alright. Hmm hmm, hope so, then, because the real truth is, sometimes I find it too much, and people is just so heartless. I can see the cold face of some people when I try to seek their help or just to ask simple questions, and some even come from my 'close' friend - hurtful, indeed. Many thanks!

And feel like one of the collegue in my group is like my life saver. Not so serious, yet partially. Randomly mention about BAMSA night that day when I 'crashed' with her in the parade, and in the end I end up with selling 2 tickets today! Great! And a simple smile do brighten up my day. And I knew she was OK in sharing academic knowledge, too. That's hopefully what I will do in the future, no matter how tired, how woolly is, how hard is, in coping with my own life, I hope to give some, and more smile to every patient that come to me. Be aware that, you met 100++ patients everyday, yet each of them just met you the pharmacist once per day, or per week, or more. Doesn;t matter. What really matter is: make their experience in visiting your pharmacy the most unique one! Pharmacists just start to get some place in the health care sector of Malaysia. It is really up to each and everyone of us to shape the image of the profession!

Sometimes I still feel to value, appreciate, acknowledge my friends. That's why I joined Dikir Barat. I know they are lacking of people. It's not too say that I am so noble or whatsoever. I do it, simply because of the friendship, although as a slow catcher, I do feel stupid sometimes, surrounded by people that doing it so fast, and simply miss a session (where they teach everything, and I missed it for medical reason, and yeah - coincidence), feel like left out quite much sometimes. And try to ask around, and I see so many ignorant or impatient faces. I mean, you expect me to catch the beats, yet...In the end, I have nothing to do, but just to cope to the very best...

Yet people are selfish indeed. Too many times feel like I should think of other people, and too many times I am disappointed at the end. I need to grow up...

I just hope there's someone I can talk to sometimes. Yet perhaps, life is always too greedy to give hope on some species...well well...

House hunting. I met Vaneesa today, and we talked quite a lot. I knew they gonna bring more laughter to 7 Herbert Road soon, which is good. Smiled when thinking about it =) Yet I feel so down at the same time - with no destiny to be fixed till now. As people that I rely on count on are actually so unreliable! It is none of your business, yet as you are helping, can you do it better? Sometimes doing something is NOT hard, just that because it's not your business, you become ignorant, careless...And in deed that only make me that desperately out of idea now to be even more...hmm...(speechless...enough to say)

Putting down the books, on the orange bus, the Pulteney Bridge, and the white shiny Roman Bath, look so belle and elegant, indeed!

Walking down Shaftesbury Road, quietly, I don;t know if I will walk here, soon, again. Yet as I walk down, I know that I am making the right choice of choosing Bath. Here I find out partially who myself really is, the reality of life, and - where my real destiny is - to find the real interest in doing pharmacy, deal with medicines and patients and HCPs. I doubt if I am in the right field before, yet may be, everything is clear now =)

MASTER OF PHARMACY

BATH IN MEMORY

MALAYSIA MY DESTINY

Fresh Air Supply

2011-03-10T00:06:00.001Z

Someone need fresh air now.

Well, well, hopefully this will help partially =)

A English teacher seems so angry...
Then another teacher asks her? Why?
Ohh, one of my student, she's so...so...
Ohh, why?
Well, I gave them an essay to write last week...
OK? And the title?
King and Queen...
Good title for primary school students is it? What's the problem?
Well, one of my student, she wrote like this...

Once upon the time, there was a happy king and a happy queen.
King asks her: Do you speak Chinese?
Queen: Yes I am...
(And in the end the whole essay is written in Chinese!!!!!)

Purposely I have whiten the part to avoid early exposure, please highlight the 3 rows below the sentence above, OK?

***

And so now is the busy week of dispensing.
I can't say I am the busiest, apparently someone is busier than me...
JH! Haha! You know I mean you!

OK, and we're partially busy with Dikir Barat practise this week for the upcoming BAMSA night.
BAMSA: Bath Area Singaporean-Malaysian Association.
The night, next week, Friday!

Songs presented: Rasa Sayang!
And two more songs, can't really remember the titles...
Baby baby baby baby why you wanna hurt me so bad

A strange feeling, yet feel like liking the sentence the most.
Well well, that may imply something, or anything, or nothing.

And so you can see all types of funny faces during the practise. Apparently most are seniors, very very few 1st year join, LOL~

And I can't forget the moment when Yean was chasing Guarino like crazy, just like Do's wife chasing her gambling husband in Do Re Mi (P. Ramlee's movie).

Funny, hahaha~

Yet, whenever I see that, feel slightly...erm...at the same time...

When's the last time I did played chasing like this? Is it 12 years old?

Those innocent moment with my siblings...running on mama's bed...(Yeap, because when we're young our house was too small, till we hardly have space to play. We're not allowed to play in the living room, as that;s also the dining room, and mama will be angry if we break a plate).

So in the end, mama's bed was our playing venue, study room, nap room, erm, you name it =)

Of course, that's our official sleeping room at least. We have our 'own' sleeping room, anyway, which is 'nomadic', at those days...

Now at least the situation is different now. I was unhappy to see my siblings seems to be indulged in the comfort at the present life. Internet, laptop, computer games, although four people need to share and compete for a laptop at home, I know they will make it =)

Unhappy not because of jealousy, yet afraid that they will 'lupa diri'...

As what we learn in our Form 3 Malay Antology (Anak Bumi Tercinta)...

A poem by Lim Swee Tin:
(Ketika Kami Bercerita Tentangnya)

"Semoga gelombang masa laluku,
bukan gelombang masa depanmu"

In the poem, is a father.
In here, is a bro =)

***

Dispensing tomorrow.

Tomorrow is quite a new experience.

We're gonna dispense:
1. Cetrizine (for children - paedriatic)
2. Warfarin (anticoagulant - so different as it is a drug of narrow therapeutic index, TDM or therapeutic drug monitoring is strictly required).
3. Emergency Supply at the Request of a Patient - Inhaler.

Don;t tell Ms. Wood I am talking all these 'nonsense' here or I will be killed tomorrow!

And Hui, thanks for the midnight SMS, I have fallen asleep (yeap, very occasionally) quite early last night =)

Not a single reply, not a response, yet still a huge thanks, from me.

I do feel better now, just hope that they will sort it out soon. I mean, this thing, is beyond my control.

There's many stuff in life that is not in your control, yet as many have reminded, your life - your destiny, your decision, your destination.

Cruel yet true enough.

To all, have a great dispensing week!

BAMSA love, XXX

Diary: Monday After Cardiff Trip

2011-03-07T20:32:00.001Z

Today is a Monday.

I missed the class, again, today.

Maybe I just will never have jodoh with this class. Jodoh can't be forced, anyway...

And again, I feel like I am just be counted to make up the count.

Bak kata pepatah: Bagai melukut di tepi gantang, masuk tak penuh keluar tak kurang...

Seems like I was not gonna live a happy life again, at least in this short period.

I need to be away. Yet that will mean away from all my obligations and commitment now.

I am NOT that kind of irresponsible person, anyway...

Some words need not to be said too many times. Some reminder need not to be made too many times.

I heard that some friends are backstepping me. Fine, may be they were. Some. Yet after thinking rationally, I should know what my friend's personality is. Even they were, I can't do anything. Yet I know who I can rely on, always =)

Nowadays I am back towards life before partially. Feel slightly better, yet worse, on the other hand, at the same time. I hope my emotion can be driven by rationality as well, yet, perhaps, in life, there was hope that should remain as hope.

Thank God for the strength that was given to overcome the situation now. Just hope that I will do it. I know, I am more like just suppressing my emotion now. There's nothing much I can;t do now really. I choose to anesthetise myself, as sometimes life don't really offer me the second option. And I don't want to be reminded that I can do whatever I want with my life, include to end it. I know it's my life, yet actually the paradox is, I am driven to live now, sometimes. There's too many limitations from others. I tried to tolerate, accept, yet like house hunting, sometimes I feel life is like too much for me.

When everyone has settled down with something, I am still in that searching. I may end up with something else. If this is God's punishment for me as I am taking house hunting too lightly at 1st year, I also should say, is it time to settle down now?

I don;t mind to be forgotten, as God has arranged me to remember almost everyone, yet the reverse is almost wrong. I realise who's absent from my practical group, and will try to call him/her. Yet the reverse is, even if I purposely miss a practical, people that I suppose to be so close to me, just seems never ever care about it. So I should conclude that, such reminder and ability to think about others are actually STUPID indeed. USELESS. MEANINGLESS. I mean, I don't do it for appreciation. In the end people choose to care about own life, anyway...

And when one of my friend told me that day, like in PBL, choose the easiest question 1st. If you 'kena' difficult question, then it's your own fault to make your life difficult. Heartless enough to say that. Cold enough to hear that. Correct enough to realise that. Yet in the end, what I think is, someone has to do it at the end. You can't expect life always arrange the easiest for you. 'Ma fan' is not an excuse. I mean, I am doing the difficult part, I know it's hard, and I am still doing it.

Like house hunting, if I can be more selfish, more aggressive earlier, may be I won;t end up in such a hot soup now. I did regret. And in the end, people around me will just ask randomly about. And I just have to give a simple answer, and that's it. Yet the emotional restrain behind it, to be left alone in searching and deciding, to do everything on my own, with no one to share the workload, and to face dilemma over and over again, and may be, discrimination or rejection or disappointment sometimes...Who knows? Sometimes I wondering what the hell am I doing at this cold evening, running up and down, while people is simply enjoying themselves in the warm room, with books or laptops or hot chocolates in front of them? Words can bring all of these lightly and rapidly in front of your eyes, yet I will not simply forget those little moments... And yet, what;s done can't be undone. No options now really.

Sometimes even my call is ignored now. Perhaps my call is just so petty nowadays. That's why I don't even bother to call for a random chat. World teaches us, every action must have motives. So a phone call can;t be for 'leisure' purposes. If you have nothing, then don't call, or else you will be 'damned'!

I realise only 1 or 2 friends are happy to receive random calls now. Random calls are AGAINST the norm of this normal world. What a cold world...well... May be I am the culprit, as I am expecting too much in my life.

I told one of my friend. Now I am left with naught. No choice. Absolutely none.

Sunshine is more prominent now in Bath. Life is never too easy. If I was given a 2nd choice, may be I will be seeking sunshine at Cardiff or Manchester. Yet, Bath has a reason for me to stay. It's a sad reason, yet I should not lie to myself again.

LOVE. FRIENDSHIP. RESPONSIBILITY.