Just hope to get better

Blogging at library now.

With a hope that I will get better, very soon.

I realised that I have trapped myself in a cycle of negative thinking, especially at this afternoon.

I wanna speak out so loud because of it. Yet I am really tired now...
Yes, a major issue, finding house, for next semester.
I don;t know why I am fated to find my houses, always at the busy dispensing week.
Last week, and now, next week.
I am just so tired because of that.
I know even if I cry, SMW or NJH or DJT will not pay a single pity to me.
I know that. Because we are professional pharmacists.

YET, I mean, why me?

The circle of problem just seems never end.
I thought that I am getting better, real better.
Perhaps, I am not.
Perhaps, I have given myself too much space to relax.

I really tried to keep everything to myself.
I just don;t want to trouble anyone anymore, yeah, NOT EVEN A SINGLE ONE.
I mean, not everything is mentionable.
I mean, it;s still the problem after coming back.
So, what;s the point?

I browse through the handphone just now for sometime...
My priority list, my non-priority list...
All those familiar names...
Finally, I clicked 'close' for all the contacts.
Perhaps, fed up.
Perhaps, give up.

I may miss my family.
I may miss my hometown.
Yet I know life has to go on here.

I pray for another better second.
I just don;t want to force myself anymore.
Forcing remind me of everything.

I wish to be don;t care of everything.
I wish I am blind, deaf, unsensitive, of all THOSE.
Yet I know, that is impossible.
Again, why me?

I can't blame God for what has happened really.
I mean, it;s my fault, not hims.

Just that I have some confusion of the next step that I should take.
I remembered my family economic burden, and now I realised that I am not helpful at all.
With these stupid stuff, everything may get worse.
I know, I am not the only one that really 'kena'.
I should be grateful.
Yet when I think of that extra 400-500pounds, my heart sank, to the bottom.

I am not blaming myself.
I am not blaming God.
I am not blaming my friends.
Then what's the problem?
I wish I am not lying to myself again.
I know that I am not, don;t I?


Stupido!!!
I told you, zai zuan niu jiao jian.
Sure die one!

Well...
Yeah...

Thanks to RAY for the short talk.
Thanks to Yean for the missed calls.
And just thanks to Molly, Pearce, Dan and Laura, for making up my day.
It;s just a short formal moment.
Yet perhaps that;s what is more than enough, for the sunshine. =)