Writing a new diary for this kind-of-peace week.
I am busy partially with BAMSA stuff. Yet compared to last year, it's not guilty anymore.
I do find time is just still limited as usual, yet I find myself giving myself more excuses to slow down, which is good, and bad...
I can;t let myself indulge in total happiness. I mean, there's too many times when I am happy then I will have a deep fall into a very low state, just like maniac people with great swing in their mood. Yet don;t worry guys, I AM NOT MANIC!
Perhaps in the end I accept the fact that happiness is not ultimate for everyone. Indeed. Just appreciate every single moment that can make you smile, and then move on...
In fact I realise some people are actually not very happy, like me, too, can't say they are not contentful. Yet when the reasons used are 'self improvement for future benefit', I find it a little bit too selfish.
Nowdays I realise my calls are extremely ignored by few friend that I am 'close' by, and that's really, really, really, remind me. Although I should kind of accept it as a norm, yet, too cruel to be digested directly.
And while on the way on house hunting, I tried to rely on helps on some friend. And that makes me see the ugly face of some people, suppose their real face. If you refuse to help me, or think you just cannot, can you say it clearly and don;t leave me with commas, and not full stops everytime? You know, it makes everything confusing, I am not sure, and please understand me that suffer emotional restrain to certain extent to find a shelter for next year? Please don;t make it worse by hanging over there, leaving me alone, with uncertainty. I know, it's none of your business, anyway, fine, then...
In the end, I still blaming sometimes. Blaming whoever for making me hanging at this hard position now. Some friend may ask, and sometimes I don't know I should be happy or not. In the end I can only answer people with a slight head shake. A big no with a smile: X Worry, yet...erm...
Yet who cares anyway at the end? I mean, every person regard it as really it is your own business. "Go and find yours, don;t disturb me here, shhu shhu shhu! OUT!"
And BAMSA practise today. Wait like crazy for the no.18 bus for almost an hour! Yet in the end although we arrive at almost 6pm, the real rehearsal is only at 7pm...OMG...I am like, I know, sometimes something is just beyond our control...yet...
Just like my toe-ache. It;s getting more and more prominent. It kinds of settling down before. Yet come again, And the expert can only be seen in 2 weeks time. I am speechless, indeed. Yet apart from shouting pain sometimes, there's really nothing that I can do.
I still find some strength to mix into my friends nowadays. Yet may be the result is quite disappointing. I tried to change my perception, to just observe them from faraway, and smile quietly, sometimes. Yet sometimes I asked myself: 我是在微笑，会心一笑，还是苦笑？
And sometimes I feel that, people don;t like me is due to my own problem or behaviour. Yet that is not a total reason to change your personality. Seriously. I mean, I do hope I can be more widely accepted. I do think about it, quite deep, sometimes, and in the end perhaps...well...yet I will say that individualism is one important aspect in my personalities. So yeah, lonely is prominent, yet, any better way to cope with it?
而看着刚才的华人舞蹈，背景音乐却是韩歌。够悲哀的。一首我本身不懂的歌曲，却就是这样轻轻触动着我的心旋，似乎想引起我的共鸣。看着雨伞轻轻转着，我看到一去不复返的时光。看着那犹如心跳的部分，不只想让我想起我过去点点滴滴的心跳？还是什么呢？
而中华文化的一切就这样渗入我的血脉里，丰富我的生命，呼唤我的灵魂，触动我的心旋。虽不是第一语言，华文掌握程度较慢，但我最终受到上帝的保佑，让我在这份领域里一展所长、让我能继续学习华文，继续寻找我的方向。
马来文，是我与家人、沙巴社会的沟通语言。
英文，是我与老外交际、学习的正式语言。
华文，是我与亲戚朋友交际的语言，更是我内心的官方语言。
但也突然叹气，能让你感到亲切的，却也许是伤你最深的。。。
最终我不知现在该怎样下去。。。而有些人身在福中不知福。
看这一位Junior，由于我和她，一个第三空间的条件，给我有着一种微妙的关系。
当然，这是我的感觉，而我虽看到聪颖、明媚、活泼的一面，同时也感受到现实、“我可不好惹”的一面。所以，这是一种复杂的感觉。但，这，并不重要。
然，偶尔那种心痛的感觉，很奇怪，我只能感叹，为什么，又是我？
果然，爱在给人幸福的同时，也给人伤害。爱得最深的，也是伤得最深的。
***
最后，阳光越来越耀眼，春天真的来了。这几天阳光再现，我这亚洲少年，真的被这些阳光阳化了！而虽然明日开始又要下雨，但雨爱的奇迹，会一直延续，我相信，我会看到彩虹的美丽=）
I am busy partially with BAMSA stuff. Yet compared to last year, it's not guilty anymore.
I do find time is just still limited as usual, yet I find myself giving myself more excuses to slow down, which is good, and bad...
I can;t let myself indulge in total happiness. I mean, there's too many times when I am happy then I will have a deep fall into a very low state, just like maniac people with great swing in their mood. Yet don;t worry guys, I AM NOT MANIC!
Perhaps in the end I accept the fact that happiness is not ultimate for everyone. Indeed. Just appreciate every single moment that can make you smile, and then move on...
In fact I realise some people are actually not very happy, like me, too, can't say they are not contentful. Yet when the reasons used are 'self improvement for future benefit', I find it a little bit too selfish.
Nowdays I realise my calls are extremely ignored by few friend that I am 'close' by, and that's really, really, really, remind me. Although I should kind of accept it as a norm, yet, too cruel to be digested directly.
And while on the way on house hunting, I tried to rely on helps on some friend. And that makes me see the ugly face of some people, suppose their real face. If you refuse to help me, or think you just cannot, can you say it clearly and don;t leave me with commas, and not full stops everytime? You know, it makes everything confusing, I am not sure, and please understand me that suffer emotional restrain to certain extent to find a shelter for next year? Please don;t make it worse by hanging over there, leaving me alone, with uncertainty. I know, it's none of your business, anyway, fine, then...
In the end, I still blaming sometimes. Blaming whoever for making me hanging at this hard position now. Some friend may ask, and sometimes I don't know I should be happy or not. In the end I can only answer people with a slight head shake. A big no with a smile: X Worry, yet...erm...
Yet who cares anyway at the end? I mean, every person regard it as really it is your own business. "Go and find yours, don;t disturb me here, shhu shhu shhu! OUT!"
And BAMSA practise today. Wait like crazy for the no.18 bus for almost an hour! Yet in the end although we arrive at almost 6pm, the real rehearsal is only at 7pm...OMG...I am like, I know, sometimes something is just beyond our control...yet...
Just like my toe-ache. It;s getting more and more prominent. It kinds of settling down before. Yet come again, And the expert can only be seen in 2 weeks time. I am speechless, indeed. Yet apart from shouting pain sometimes, there's really nothing that I can do.
I still find some strength to mix into my friends nowadays. Yet may be the result is quite disappointing. I tried to change my perception, to just observe them from faraway, and smile quietly, sometimes. Yet sometimes I asked myself: 我是在微笑，会心一笑，还是苦笑？
And sometimes I feel that, people don;t like me is due to my own problem or behaviour. Yet that is not a total reason to change your personality. Seriously. I mean, I do hope I can be more widely accepted. I do think about it, quite deep, sometimes, and in the end perhaps...well...yet I will say that individualism is one important aspect in my personalities. So yeah, lonely is prominent, yet, any better way to cope with it?
而看着刚才的华人舞蹈，背景音乐却是韩歌。够悲哀的。一首我本身不懂的歌曲，却就是这样轻轻触动着我的心旋，似乎想引起我的共鸣。看着雨伞轻轻转着，我看到一去不复返的时光。看着那犹如心跳的部分，不只想让我想起我过去点点滴滴的心跳？还是什么呢？
而中华文化的一切就这样渗入我的血脉里，丰富我的生命，呼唤我的灵魂，触动我的心旋。虽不是第一语言，华文掌握程度较慢，但我最终受到上帝的保佑，让我在这份领域里一展所长、让我能继续学习华文，继续寻找我的方向。
马来文，是我与家人、沙巴社会的沟通语言。
英文，是我与老外交际、学习的正式语言。
华文，是我与亲戚朋友交际的语言，更是我内心的官方语言。
但也突然叹气，能让你感到亲切的，却也许是伤你最深的。。。
最终我不知现在该怎样下去。。。而有些人身在福中不知福。
看这一位Junior，由于我和她，一个第三空间的条件，给我有着一种微妙的关系。
当然，这是我的感觉，而我虽看到聪颖、明媚、活泼的一面，同时也感受到现实、“我可不好惹”的一面。所以，这是一种复杂的感觉。但，这，并不重要。
然，偶尔那种心痛的感觉，很奇怪，我只能感叹，为什么，又是我？
果然，爱在给人幸福的同时，也给人伤害。爱得最深的，也是伤得最深的。
***
最后，阳光越来越耀眼，春天真的来了。这几天阳光再现，我这亚洲少年，真的被这些阳光阳化了！而虽然明日开始又要下雨，但雨爱的奇迹，会一直延续，我相信，我会看到彩虹的美丽=）
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