Today is a Monday.
I missed the class, again, today.
Maybe I just will never have jodoh with this class. Jodoh can't be forced, anyway...
And again, I feel like I am just be counted to make up the count.
Bak kata pepatah: Bagai melukut di tepi gantang, masuk tak penuh keluar tak kurang...
Seems like I was not gonna live a happy life again, at least in this short period.
I need to be away. Yet that will mean away from all my obligations and commitment now.
I am NOT that kind of irresponsible person, anyway...
Some words need not to be said too many times. Some reminder need not to be made too many times.
I heard that some friends are backstepping me. Fine, may be they were. Some. Yet after thinking rationally, I should know what my friend's personality is. Even they were, I can't do anything. Yet I know who I can rely on, always =)
Nowadays I am back towards life before partially. Feel slightly better, yet worse, on the other hand, at the same time. I hope my emotion can be driven by rationality as well, yet, perhaps, in life, there was hope that should remain as hope.
Thank God for the strength that was given to overcome the situation now. Just hope that I will do it. I know, I am more like just suppressing my emotion now. There's nothing much I can;t do now really. I choose to anesthetise myself, as sometimes life don't really offer me the second option. And I don't want to be reminded that I can do whatever I want with my life, include to end it. I know it's my life, yet actually the paradox is, I am driven to live now, sometimes. There's too many limitations from others. I tried to tolerate, accept, yet like house hunting, sometimes I feel life is like too much for me.
When everyone has settled down with something, I am still in that searching. I may end up with something else. If this is God's punishment for me as I am taking house hunting too lightly at 1st year, I also should say, is it time to settle down now?
I don;t mind to be forgotten, as God has arranged me to remember almost everyone, yet the reverse is almost wrong. I realise who's absent from my practical group, and will try to call him/her. Yet the reverse is, even if I purposely miss a practical, people that I suppose to be so close to me, just seems never ever care about it. So I should conclude that, such reminder and ability to think about others are actually STUPID indeed. USELESS. MEANINGLESS. I mean, I don't do it for appreciation. In the end people choose to care about own life, anyway...
And when one of my friend told me that day, like in PBL, choose the easiest question 1st. If you 'kena' difficult question, then it's your own fault to make your life difficult. Heartless enough to say that. Cold enough to hear that. Correct enough to realise that. Yet in the end, what I think is, someone has to do it at the end. You can't expect life always arrange the easiest for you. 'Ma fan' is not an excuse. I mean, I am doing the difficult part, I know it's hard, and I am still doing it.
Like house hunting, if I can be more selfish, more aggressive earlier, may be I won;t end up in such a hot soup now. I did regret. And in the end, people around me will just ask randomly about. And I just have to give a simple answer, and that's it. Yet the emotional restrain behind it, to be left alone in searching and deciding, to do everything on my own, with no one to share the workload, and to face dilemma over and over again, and may be, discrimination or rejection or disappointment sometimes...Who knows? Sometimes I wondering what the hell am I doing at this cold evening, running up and down, while people is simply enjoying themselves in the warm room, with books or laptops or hot chocolates in front of them? Words can bring all of these lightly and rapidly in front of your eyes, yet I will not simply forget those little moments... And yet, what;s done can't be undone. No options now really.
Sometimes even my call is ignored now. Perhaps my call is just so petty nowadays. That's why I don't even bother to call for a random chat. World teaches us, every action must have motives. So a phone call can;t be for 'leisure' purposes. If you have nothing, then don't call, or else you will be 'damned'!
I realise only 1 or 2 friends are happy to receive random calls now. Random calls are AGAINST the norm of this normal world. What a cold world...well... May be I am the culprit, as I am expecting too much in my life.
I told one of my friend. Now I am left with naught. No choice. Absolutely none.
Sunshine is more prominent now in Bath. Life is never too easy. If I was given a 2nd choice, may be I will be seeking sunshine at Cardiff or Manchester. Yet, Bath has a reason for me to stay. It's a sad reason, yet I should not lie to myself again.
I missed the class, again, today.
Maybe I just will never have jodoh with this class. Jodoh can't be forced, anyway...
And again, I feel like I am just be counted to make up the count.
Bak kata pepatah: Bagai melukut di tepi gantang, masuk tak penuh keluar tak kurang...
Seems like I was not gonna live a happy life again, at least in this short period.
I need to be away. Yet that will mean away from all my obligations and commitment now.
I am NOT that kind of irresponsible person, anyway...
Some words need not to be said too many times. Some reminder need not to be made too many times.
I heard that some friends are backstepping me. Fine, may be they were. Some. Yet after thinking rationally, I should know what my friend's personality is. Even they were, I can't do anything. Yet I know who I can rely on, always =)
Nowadays I am back towards life before partially. Feel slightly better, yet worse, on the other hand, at the same time. I hope my emotion can be driven by rationality as well, yet, perhaps, in life, there was hope that should remain as hope.
Thank God for the strength that was given to overcome the situation now. Just hope that I will do it. I know, I am more like just suppressing my emotion now. There's nothing much I can;t do now really. I choose to anesthetise myself, as sometimes life don't really offer me the second option. And I don't want to be reminded that I can do whatever I want with my life, include to end it. I know it's my life, yet actually the paradox is, I am driven to live now, sometimes. There's too many limitations from others. I tried to tolerate, accept, yet like house hunting, sometimes I feel life is like too much for me.
When everyone has settled down with something, I am still in that searching. I may end up with something else. If this is God's punishment for me as I am taking house hunting too lightly at 1st year, I also should say, is it time to settle down now?
I don;t mind to be forgotten, as God has arranged me to remember almost everyone, yet the reverse is almost wrong. I realise who's absent from my practical group, and will try to call him/her. Yet the reverse is, even if I purposely miss a practical, people that I suppose to be so close to me, just seems never ever care about it. So I should conclude that, such reminder and ability to think about others are actually STUPID indeed. USELESS. MEANINGLESS. I mean, I don't do it for appreciation. In the end people choose to care about own life, anyway...
And when one of my friend told me that day, like in PBL, choose the easiest question 1st. If you 'kena' difficult question, then it's your own fault to make your life difficult. Heartless enough to say that. Cold enough to hear that. Correct enough to realise that. Yet in the end, what I think is, someone has to do it at the end. You can't expect life always arrange the easiest for you. 'Ma fan' is not an excuse. I mean, I am doing the difficult part, I know it's hard, and I am still doing it.
Like house hunting, if I can be more selfish, more aggressive earlier, may be I won;t end up in such a hot soup now. I did regret. And in the end, people around me will just ask randomly about. And I just have to give a simple answer, and that's it. Yet the emotional restrain behind it, to be left alone in searching and deciding, to do everything on my own, with no one to share the workload, and to face dilemma over and over again, and may be, discrimination or rejection or disappointment sometimes...Who knows? Sometimes I wondering what the hell am I doing at this cold evening, running up and down, while people is simply enjoying themselves in the warm room, with books or laptops or hot chocolates in front of them? Words can bring all of these lightly and rapidly in front of your eyes, yet I will not simply forget those little moments... And yet, what;s done can't be undone. No options now really.
Sometimes even my call is ignored now. Perhaps my call is just so petty nowadays. That's why I don't even bother to call for a random chat. World teaches us, every action must have motives. So a phone call can;t be for 'leisure' purposes. If you have nothing, then don't call, or else you will be 'damned'!
I realise only 1 or 2 friends are happy to receive random calls now. Random calls are AGAINST the norm of this normal world. What a cold world...well... May be I am the culprit, as I am expecting too much in my life.
I told one of my friend. Now I am left with naught. No choice. Absolutely none.
Sunshine is more prominent now in Bath. Life is never too easy. If I was given a 2nd choice, may be I will be seeking sunshine at Cardiff or Manchester. Yet, Bath has a reason for me to stay. It's a sad reason, yet I should not lie to myself again.
LOVE. FRIENDSHIP. RESPONSIBILITY.
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