It's finally the moment when I just come back from Budapest and Prague, when I finally can kind of settle down...
A short walk along the Coronation Avenue...
A short visit to the park...
A cup of iced coffee in the park...
I will do everything quietly, and hopefully peacefully...
Because when the exam is finally over - it doesn't mean that you need to stop studying.
This is the last summer in UK, anyway...
***
For a long period of time, I asked, and believed.
Yet as time went, passed by, a friend asked me, a colleague asked me...
And slowly, my trust that stood firmly on a stone, started to shake, moved on to a sandy basement. Yet I still choose to believe, although the friendship faded away, yet the whole sincerity, I thought, still remains there...
And, when finally, the moment came, when I finally realised the fake truth, that I used to be convinced to believe, for a long time, I shaked...I closed my eyes...
And, out of sudden, the surrounding appeared to be virtual - where is the value of sincerity and trust, at the end?
When we always want to try to tear away a page of life and try to start a new, white, whole blank page - may be some of us, will just never ever, stand a single chance.
***
A recent trip to Budapest and Prague, like when visited other European cities - there was always many cathedrals and churches and basilicas...
Whenever I visited these holy places, I am wondering to myself - whenever they made each single place, when the visitors can come to admire and appreciate the beauty, how about for the poor local people that depend on these holy places for their, hopefully, silent prayer...
Some of the places, even seems to demand money, and sometimes, the keeper or officer in charge, seems to be so cold - no money no talk...
I sighed, materialism and commercialisation just attack every single piece of details in our life - love, relationship, jobs, school - and now, even the religion itself...
What a world, really...
***
Whenever I walked down the streets in Budapest and Prague, sometimes I would meet some of the old ladies, or women, some seems to have Parkinsonian movements, some seems to move very slowly with their 'tongkat'...One time, I even saw an old, blind lady, walking just really beside the buzzling road of city of Prague, with only a stick as the guide...
I really want to help them, yet may be I am not brave enough, yet may be I am still selfish, yet may be we are rushing for the next journey - yet indeed - all of them, are the typical excuses - for stop doing something, which actually - is beneficial...
I started to think of my mum. The hardship of life makes her wrinkles darker, and more, and more.
One day she (although I never hope that she will be) may have the same difficulty like all the women that I have ever saw on the street...
She worked so hard for us, and in the end, while I am enjoying myself all over everywhere in Europe, she was still in our old house, working really hard, and I start to wonder - may be I am still lucky then? Yet is these everything that I really want?
I used to hope that I will be able to join every single trip that mon ami organised - yet as time passed by, as wisdom grow - what's the point of getting every single page of your passport stamped with stamps of all sorts of colours and shapes and dates, really? You gained the so called different experience, saw the so called different cultures, and talked to people of so called different nationalities - while in another part of the world - somebody, your siblings, still in the same small town, studying in the same school, as you have attended before...
I could never ever imagine what will happen to of our siblings, if out of the sudden somebody, whom are so close to us, just leave us away like that....
Then I will hope that I am the one which is taken over, then...
***
Whenever I was in the dinner in Budapest or Prague - sometimes we will be left with some leftover.
I constantly telling my friend that it's so bad of us to waste this and that food.
Of course moderation is vital - hence you shall not force yourself to eat until you start to want to vomit...
Yet at the same, while we are eating to this extent, at another part of the world - people may be struggling for food - or may be, just to make sure they will not starve to death.
Yet I cannot really stand what friend was saying to me - although - well - it is quite true: "Poor people in Africa that have difficulty to get some food - will not get the food - even if we finish everything on the table now..."
The world is just never a fair place to live. Really...
***
The second morning in Prague.
Wake up.
Nirmala.
Yet I did not slept well.
I dreamed of my aunty, in Brunei.
It's not a bad dream, yet I am worried, I did not know why.
I just felt it.
A relatively short and expensive international call to her...comfirmed - something which is indeed quite bad, happened.
I never know. This never happened to me before. You called it telepathy...or any synonyms...
Yet, yet, when you have such a close relationship with someone, you start to live, partially, for him/her too.
God, bless...
***
I recollected too many thoughts in a few recent trips.
Suddenly a short quote from one of the dramas twinkling in my mind:
"In the end, parent(s) are the one that will never betray you. When you only live for your partner/friend, just never forget who is/are the one that will be there to support you, very firmly."
When your partner/friend/sibling can tear your heart away, there is another moment when you calmly rethink / recollecting your thoughts - another hope, may be. =)
***
'In life there is some moment when we really should just give up.'
May be that's true, indeed.
I look forward for another 1.2 years to go - it's not too long from now on.
I sighed, I cried, I prayed - I really just want to be myself - again.
Only when with him I can find my trueself - with no hatred, no worries, where I really can pour out almost everything...
When my sister and I are confused for her future life choice - the friend that I hope can guide me - appeared to be hopeless - while you, although know less, shed another angle of hope and shine...
***
人人常说：别靠上天，要靠自己——这样才会有希望。
但如果这个希望是假的，那这份所谓的希望，
倒不如从来都没有出现过，这样就不会有失望了。
