蓝天白云下

Sunshine ^^ Rainbow ^^ Aurora ~

Life, moves on :)

Monday 26 December 2011

Jalan Jauh

Talking to my aunty today...

She was the one that used to look after me when I was so young, especially before I was one year old.

At that time my mom and my daddy were working, and just had to left me somewhere, and there I was.

When aunty's mom look at my small feet, she said: 'Kaki budak ni lain dari yang lain. Dia ni jalan jauh punya bah, nanti dia pergi luar negeri ni...'

My aunty said she never forget that. And to know the fact today, I am surprised, really really surprised.

"Mungkin mata orang tua ni kabur, tapi hati mereka, lebih terang daripada yang lain."

Especially for those humble, considerate one. Life experience taught them to be even more and more humble and considerate. God bless.

A root discovery journey in London. A route towards appreciating the love in your life. Sometimes time and money, may need to be sacrificed, when love, gratefulness and appreciation, override everything.

I already get my present for this Christmas. How about thou?

Joyeux Noël!

¡Feliz Navidad!









Thursday 22 December 2011

Love before Christmas

A quick post  before Christmas

Today I am literally rushing with the time today. Keep looking at the watch, and clock...

Finally I am out at 3pm today, officially! The day is sky blue, I still remember my French lecture, may be the last one: Le ciel est bleu! Not even sure if the spelling is correct, have not touch French for ages really...

After hard revision and internet browsing for almost 5 days I suppose, I finally see the outside world again! Finally I blamed myself again, in my room I become self-centred till I just forget that the sky is that huge, the land is so rich while I am just a small tiny humble human being, out of the world billions population...

I still moving on with life. I realise my past selfishness by looking at others'. Some, getting better. Some, getting worse. Yet in the end I will not ever forget those words from one of my friend that always show me the 'road': it is individual's right to live their own life, that they feel is alright. Well, I think that is quite right, with an additional sentence (please): provided they do NOT HARM others in the process, physically, emotionally, socially...

I remember some of my friends' sayings before, 'will try to help you reduce your economic burden'... yet in the end what they do, indirectly, is the reverse. After perhaps so many life challenges, I started to realise, I am forced to grow up, in 3-4 years time, when indeed I am still the naive innocent Jackie, at least, when I was at my A-Levels...Yet may be this is not the bad thing at all. I start to know and care about the 'white eye; of others, which taught me to be at least, still believe in what I am doing, and after all the incidences, may be I shall know who my true friend(s) is/are...Some of them are always there. I love them. And suddenly, I started to be grateful, with all the blessings...as may be, and hopefully, I realise that, there is NO ABSOLUTENESS in life. This second is friend, does not mean next second, you still must be. And when you start to claim authority on others' belongings, and thinking that they are absolutely yours...Just stay back for a second. Even birth, death, and life itself is never ever absolute, or certain...

I can see the strong bonds among some of my friends. Carefree and still with their own life. Yet so happy. And in the end they never forget friends around them. When he/she thought that they have forgotten them, may be not, when I see with my own eyes. If God will kindly will give me another chance to have such good partnership, for my last year...but I know...perhaps even my humble wish is just too greedy sometimes...sometimes...

Yet in the end when some love just have to end. Some will never end. I talked so loudly till like scolding mama, when trying to ask about my bro's PMR result today. Again the government let us down again. Because we are at interior part of Sabah everything has to be late. Can allowance be made for that? Yet anyway, when I finally sit down for a while, I started to think of a possible conversation between me, and her:
..."Mom, I was just too loud isn;t it? Sorry..."
"You are indeed so hot tempered sometimes..."
"At least you get used to it..."
"Well unfortunately, because you are my son. And that's just part of you..."
"And mama, you are always my mama. Even though I shout at you, I love you mama. Merry Christmas..."

Only family member will be the most considerate, to have the most faith in us, to always be there, and with whom we can really be ourselves.

When you thought the whole world is sorry for you, at least, you have FRIEND, and FAMILY.

God gave me time to see the real face of everything. It's not the end point yet. Yet perhaps, that's more than enough. I still have a long journey to go. I know there's people that will always hide the truth from me, and also people, that will be true and believe in me.

SO DO I.

To everyone, with the never ever stopping love, from friends, from family, from God:

Merry Christmas

xxx



Monday 12 December 2011

Summary of 1st Semester: Transition of Determination

已经是第十一个星期了。。。

转眼间,第三年的第一学期,接近尾声。

所上的科目,暂时眉目仍然再续。。。

So far, 我最想享受的科目,是clinical therapeutics。学习的过程,虽有点辛苦,但过程中的逻辑推理,理解与学习并用,却真实地,很有趣。。。

曾经的,我以为我做不到的,原来,就这样,熬过来了,连自己都不可思议;曾经的,我以为我最怕的,原来,却仍是最亲切的一位。

我偶尔仍然感受到别人的白眼,但我不想在心里怀恨。我只想和大家,好好相处。。。

而让我头痛的、心痛的,是那一种又爱又恨的恐惧感。但时间过了好久,我花了太多时间。冬天要来了,而我们之间的故事,到底会像秋天的落叶,随着秋风远去;还是会像即将来临的冬天,变得越加寒峻?

曾经,我很想全力反击,全力放弃;曾经是彻底的失望,绝望——但最后,也许体会本身过去的错——没有人是完美的——没有人从来没有错过——没有人应该被薄夺了被宽恕的权利。我感激上帝,让我没有被愤怒与专制占领了——但同时,我好想远离伤感与提心吊胆的日子。。。

见人之过,得己之过;闻人之过,想己之过

宽恕,应该是一种智慧下的宽恕,而不是毫无原则的宽恕。
前者可以让对方得以醒悟、认识到自己,后者只能让对方得寸进尺、越陷越深。
相信自己的选择不会错,将眼光放长远一点儿,莫与他人计较一时的得失。我们每个人都有自己不同发展阶段,每个阶段都有最重要的事情,把握住最重要的事情,一心一意做好,这样你也就把握住了自己的未来。
谁能笑到最后,谁笑得最灿烂 =)


但原来,也许,梦想终究是梦想,现实中就是现实。

我感激上帝仍让我有所准备、让我独立。

但也许,真正的现实,很残忍。

一次又一次的无理取闹,取而代之
的,是一次离别,永久的离别。


也许,这是上帝真正想让我看到的:生活中永远没有必须的。

只因生活中的变数就是太大,有谁能说明天必须是天晴,后天必须有彩虹?

有些事,不是天经地义的。

物极必反器满则倾

















我并不完美,但我感谢可以包容我的家人和朋友们。

感谢你们最真诚的笑容与容纳,我才能,幸福的,活到今天。





 

 









《同一片蓝天白云下》


最后,祝大家圣诞快乐,新年快乐 =)




Saturday 10 December 2011

药剂师和工程师

我和大弟,相差一岁又两个月。

也许我应感激上帝,在很小的时候,就让我拥有陪我长大的同伴。

长得越大,后来渐渐的,因自己的功课在小时就比大弟好许多,就摆上了大哥哥的架子。

是的,有点驾奴,有点patronising。。。甚至有时,是一种瞧不起的心情,与表情。

但我知道,自己从来不痛恨他,不讨厌他,只因自小,父母就常常不在家,丢下我们几个小瓜。所以,大家相依为命,一起游戏,一起玩耍,一起洗澡,一起上学,一起成长。。。

我还记得,小时候,对妈说:我长大后是医生,大弟是消防员。。。

妈叫我别乱说,我知道,她,同样的,爱我们全部。也许会对我这个长子稍好一些,只因我是最大的,只因我一直以来,功课就很平稳,思想上比较懂事,也会帮忙照顾弟弟妹妹。。。

后来,同样的,小学六年级同样是我和大弟的stepping stone,那一年,我从往年的第二第三,升上第一;他那一年,从往常的默默无闻,升上全级第九名。。。

后来长大了,大家也渐渐独立了。说话少了,但不代表那个所谓的bond就不在了。bond,一直都在。我埋怨他平时不肯多facebook我两三句话, 他老是那副天经地义的模样:你忙我忙,没办法。。。

大弟,忙碌是最要不得的借口。若有心,怎会不能呢?

后来,我反而是让妈更担心的,她说:大弟现在很会想,他真的很懂事了。。。

那一天,是他对我说:有些事,该放下了。时间已证明了。是时候了。而且你别忘记,你还有一份家,需要你来负担。。。

我一直以来,将感情还在当成借口,但也许,他,这次,太对了。。。

今天,我是药剂师,他是工程师。

最后,更我知道你不会看到这几个字,我知道我永远不会对你说出这几个字:但是我很想再次郑重为我过去孩子气的失责道歉。

I was wrong, I am wrong again, and so I will NOT be wrong again, in the future.

若有心,怎会不能呢?

Friday 9 December 2011

劝告


感情化/多愁善感的人对生活的观察较为细腻,对待人家方面也都以友善化为主。

然而,有些事,拿得太久了,是时候放下了。也许看起来值得,也许仍有一份希望,但生活永远还有更重要、更值得的。时间会让你看见一切的。

善良和单纯的你,加油!

Sunday 4 December 2011

遗憾


一直都很顾虑别人的感受


并不太奢求任何赶集或回报

但,请不要辜负了

那些年。。。

也许当有一天我能谁都不顾时

将是最快乐的日子吗?

曾经:不完美的人生,才是真正的人生。

遗憾,是固定的生活现实。

若照着感觉走,也许人生会更快乐。

也许有一天,我会做得到。

只因我也不想在最后的岁月里,留下一生的遗憾。

Saturday 3 December 2011

I thought: Lie to lie

Reread my old messages.

Keep a lie - and you will never ever rest down again.

As you have to make more lies to cover a lie.

An endless vicious cycle...negative 'positive feedback'...

In most circumstances, when you can be truthful and honest and transparent to your friends and family...

Then you know that you can always face anyone, confidently =)


人而无信 不知其可也

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也許我太過天真 以為奇蹟會發生
他讓妳紅了眼眶 妳卻還笑著原諒
原來妳早就想好妳要留在誰的身旁
我以為我夠堅強 卻一天天的失望
少給我一點希望 希望就不是奢望


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