蓝天白云下

Sunshine ^^ Rainbow ^^ Aurora ~

Life, moves on :)

Saturday 30 April 2011

The Next Road - Only the Outcome

It's the moment when  have to a decision. Eventually.

It's the moment that I really don't want to face. I always hope that, I have more time. Yet of course, I am indeed, cheating myself.

The reminders finally become a burden to me. I feel anxious, and really, it's no way too good.
As simple anxiety may just need destress for a few minutes.
Yet a huge one, may lead to depersonalisation, and that's indeed, very difficult to cope.
It's some simple knowledge that I read through online and realise when looking at my dear PA20023 - CNS Pharmacology.

Anyway, I just wanna said that. Decisions should be made, always, under rational condition. After dilemma and struggle...which may be too much sometimes.
Please respect my decision. Hopefully it will yield most favorable outcome.
The problem with me sometimes is that I tend to lost count when making decision. May be need to consider others as well? Other factors? An in the end - DILEMMA & STRUGGLE...which is no fun at all!

I know some people are even more cruel when making decision, which is too good, I will say. They think A, and that's it - they do A. Even if begged / situations changes, A still A, no A-, no A--, not even to mention B+ or B or C.

Indeed such a person will be better may be, strict to a point, and no dilemma, no struggle, life - made really easier.

I wish to be too. Yet in the end I just cannot. People will laugh at me and will say why all the struggle?

It's not about worth it or not. It's due to more, my mind is making the decision, yet my heart is playing it's trick, always too.

In the end people will always look at the outcome. No matter how we struggle during the process, is no significance to them. They care ONLY about the RESULT / CONSEQUENCE. If it's good, salut! If it's bad, then may be it's a good idea to dump you into the rubbish!

OK, in short, I know this is a random post that is not for you. For my readers this time, apology for this. Yet I know you will agree with a simple point: Sometimes it's better to not know something.

Right?

été - 夏天来了 =)

这几天,心情仍反复不定。
就像MC说过:有时候,只能让心漂游。
我,其实很不想。
但,我没有办法。
我,不想再勉强自己。

看起来比较快乐的自己。
对自己,对别人来说,都是好事。
有时,出自真心。
有时,可以伪装。
只因为,不想再让她担心。

而在这考试时期,偶尔收到意外的消息。
有时窒息,有时冷静,有时什么都不是。
感谢他与她的存在。
看着这几分熟悉的名字,回忆,刻骨铭心,历历在目。
LM,EL,AR,TE。。。 =)

就让这最后的三个月,成为最灿烂的回忆。
就像那初升的朝阳一样。
春回大地,百花齐放。
感谢阳光、感谢源源不熄的希望。

静静的,德国!
该踏出下一步吗?

英国的夏天,夏天在英国。
我想起莎士比亚的Sonnet18!

就算日长夜短,生物闹钟受到影响。
我,心甘情愿 =)


愿你也有一份愉快的 bank holiday 和夏天!




Wednesday 27 April 2011

帮人帮己

今天又花了一个小时。
帮别人,也帮自己。。。
一说起劲儿,就直接,什么都直接向别人说好了=)
也没什么,就只是在解释各种电话contract的不同。。。

想起CE以前曾告诉我,某某师兄为了帮他的朋友分享心事。。。
听到夜了,还得不眠不休的干完第二天要交的报告。。。
听到这儿,停了一下。
原来还有所谓的“无所谓的牺牲”
相比真正能做的人,真的不多。
所以我今天做的,到底是在帮别人?还是什么?
扪心自问:不知。不明。不懂。

也很突然,仍知不是真真能完全做到。
也明白,自己的生命由自己负责。
别人的不定数,能让你得意,也能让你失意。

但对于有忧郁症或人格分裂症的人来说,
喜怒哀乐,到了一个境界,不再由自己操控。
的确很难想象,但那种‘失控’的感觉,也的确不好受。
惟有早点察觉,提醒自己。。。

有些事情,以为过了,原来还没有?
well,尽力了,也希望你我能明白。
只因为,我,超不想,勉强自己,搞到心里复杂。。。

也因为要离开了。
更珍惜了,更明白了。
请别再说任何的最后,散了,仍是朋友。
只因,“最后”,是借口?是掩饰?还是终点?还是绝情?

只因我知道,即使流言蜚语太猖狂,但我知我认识的,就是你,就是他。。。
所以就算环境太恶略,我深思,我熟虑,是否该接受那些流言蜚语?

路遥知马力
日久见人心

枯藤老树昏鸦
小桥流水人家
古道西方瘦马
夕阳西下
断肠人在天涯

魔鬼的眼泪

明知道会让自己失意的却仍选择走下去,到底是为了什么?

若能自私一点,结果也许会不一样吧?

想起妈以前的一句话:“横下心来。。。”

我逃避,我微笑,我无奈。。。

只能扪心自问,为何良心就是不肯放我离去。。。

想起失眠的夜晚,也突然想起柯南的一篇故事:魔鬼的眼泪。

“当魔鬼流下眼泪时,他已失去作为魔鬼的资格,再也回不来了。。。”

未来的不定数太大。路,一直都在,只能够静静的,慢慢地走下去。

Saturday 23 April 2011

Love blossoms at this spring in Bath

Today I went to the town - by chance, and by luck...

Went with Kenny initially, and had a brilliant Italian ice-cream! Sounds like gelato! Biscotto and Special Chocolate? Forget the name, enjoy the taste =) Hahaha~

2 Layers ~


Then, on the way after that, saw a toy seller, selling some toys, and be surrounded by some happy kid, I do wonder, childhood? A so familiar yet so distance term for people, especially like me, now.

When walking, I think of that, again. At the end of this April, it will be only 3 months left. NET 3 months. 1 month for exam, and 2 months for placement. Time is so short actually...

I thought of the moment when I talked to her before, told her to keep good care of the room, of the house. I saw a sarcastic smile, implying ignorance: who cares? You HAVE NO RIGHTS TO SPEAK ANYMORE, so SHUT UP! My heart sank, a little bit. A house where I share my happiness and sadness, anger and frustration, hope and dream, friendship and brotherhood...will it be taken so lightly by the so called strangers, eventually?

I kept thinking of thousands possibilities. It was stupid to think. Indeed hopeless. Indeed pointless. Yet perhaps thats me.

Then was a trip to the awesome garden! It's free for Discovery Card Holder anyway!

巴斯-美景尽收眼底

鹤立鸡群

宁夏里有宁波

欧洲友谊,联手一起  -让我想起 7, Herbert Road =)

春天的我

伟大的她,渺小的我。这是雅典爱神雅典娜吗?

从小看到大

车水“马车”- 现代难得的奇景

空中一人,又爬又跳的。观众当然开心,但身为卖艺的,又不知有多少苦楚。。。
心中再苦,人前还是得笑啊。。。

Then on the way to Morrison, I looked at some old women. Common phenomenon in Bath, a tourists, students and retired people paradise. Out of sudden I thought of my mom, she would be so old one day, with so many wrinkles...As Chinese proverb said: Time forgives no people. I realise mom's wrinkles is more and more and ages progresses. I can't see hers through the Skype. I always think: Is it wrong or immoral if I just refuse to come back at this coming September? For a month. I know many people are waiting for me. Aunty, uncle, brother, sister, and yeah, parents, may be some friends that always at Keningau as well...I don't know, I feel slightly guilty. I do fall in dilemma.

To love, or to be loved?
To stay, or to leave?
To home, or to be here?

Well...Life, thousand of possibilities, choices to be made...Too many...

Thinking of placement:
London or Devon
Manchester or Rochester
Somerset or Dorset
Avon or Swindon
Wales or Wells

Soon we will be scattered to everywhere and anywhere.

And at this sunny day, just wanna thank him that make everything possible for me today! I thought I won't be anywhere in these 2 weeks again. I thought. So, thanks again!

And finally I start to see not only flowers to blossom at this spring. Some 'love' as well! Here and there! Well, others obviously, and may be myself? LOL~ Too much day dreaming...

And finally ---

A song shared by my sister, to be passed on to you:









Who says?

Saturday 16 April 2011

CNS Presentation is officially OVER!

Finally finished my presentation today!

Emma's group on migraine was awesome! I love their presentation, indeed everyone are. Poor 4 people, bombarded with so many questions...

And I start to think, shouldl I take med chem = medicinal chemistry?

I know I do quite love chemical structure. So, should I?

I don't know, yet remembering pyridoxal phosphate as the cofactor for some amino acid decarboxylase really doesn;t mean anything I should say?

Erm...I started to be doubtful of everything...I can give it a try, ISB is a great tutor, yet will he be kind to me? Or I should really just try Med. Chem 1st?


Friday 15 April 2011

从害群之马到aurora

我一直以来都知道自己的使命,回到大马,为马来西亚公民服务。
但我今天,又再一次被政府的态度,冷到。。。
真的,有时真的要责怪那些害群之马的人!
就是他们让我们的政府,被搞到乱七八糟,七上八下。
是的,你可以很过分,但别忘了,你的孩子,甚至是你的子子孙孙,可能反而要付出代价。。。

***

我这几天,又是Dr.Rowan。。。
越来越觉得,这样的讲师,真是不可多得。。。
今天我们很迟很迟才能放学。。。
结果我还是最后一个从lab里跑出来的!
一看,他还在那儿,静静坐着,笑着。。。
那幅怡然自得的模样,又是salut!
还没冲出去之前顺便问他我的TLC成绩。。。
结果,又是简短却不失为详细的讲解!
Salut 2!

我更因此明白,原来每个profession里,都会有尽心尽力的那几位。
他们,从来不会觉得,因为自己做得更多,而有所埋怨。。。
也许,那时使命感、责任感、成就感,还是习惯?

我也希望,以后会是这样的药剂师!对我的医生、护士小姐,而最重的病人,都能耐心解释,聆听,明白,孜孜不倦!

我,会做到吗?

***

今天坐bluebas赶回家。。。
只因为记得,今天到我倒垃圾,然后明天又还要早早出去,所以早早做好比较好!
做家务其实是很enjoyable的事情,看到自己洗出来的成绩,一干二净,很有成就感!哈哈!

更何况,well,看着这间屋子,一切是那么的熟悉。。。
是的,仍不时怅然着。。。
那种感觉,和当初离开UCSI G03,或是WOLFSON L4.02, 并没有很大的不同。。。

今年的缘分,偶尔住回campus, 重新找到那种第一年找不到的快乐感!
窗外的桃花,虽偶尔沙沙作响,但仍然艳丽!
春天来了,桃花朵朵开!而偶尔在巴斯会找到粉红色的“樱花”树。
也许是sakura,也许不是,但那瞬间的认知、希望、满足感,应该已足够。

永不忘记一边啃着walkers,一边讲话讲到三更半夜的那种情景,
疲倦的代价很大,但,那种满足感,没有多少人会明白吧。

看这茁壮成长的树苗,总有一天他们的翅膀也会丰满,到时天马行空的翱翔,除了深深、默默的祝福,我什么再也做不到吧?

***

最后报告一下我的脚吧。

Infection calms down 后,开始做一些很微型的手术,以杀掉生长过多的指甲,去除细胞。。。

erm...只能说还好啦。。。过程是蛮痛的。。。但至少我不用像那医生说的,一天要ibuprofen 400mg tablets 1 TDS! (TDS 就是医药词,一天三次是也。。。)

然后还要再follow她给的SOP。哟,lab里SOP, lab外又是SOP,geng yeh 我!

***

我从那应是熟悉的眼光里,看出冷漠。。。

我从那应是陌生的眼神里,看出热情。。。

原来她是Nicole,原来他是Andrew John,我觉得Carol,也不会认识 Andrew John 吧?

只因为,原来生活,并没有所谓必须的。

静下心来,为别人想一想。。。

夜深了,窗外的黑暗里,仍然有熟悉的橙色,就像梦中的欧若拉一样=)

Tuesday 12 April 2011

回忆中,永别了。


木薯

那是我家的称法,我不知在西马或是世界其他角落,这不起眼的植物,又被称为什么名堂?

只因为,住在同一屋檐下,同样的马铃薯,我叫ubi kentang,她叫土豆,有人更甚,竟叫马铃薯为番薯!嘿kawan! 这两样薯,不是同样的薯leh...

儿时的记忆,想起小时仍是小学的时候,从来没有去过朋友的生日会,更从来没有所谓朋友为自己庆祝的生日会。。。

还记得小时,住在简陋的木屋,家旁有块小空地,kakak拿来种辣椒和马尼菜(sayur manis),后来,我和弟弟兴致勃勃,竟挤了一些木薯的茎进去!

嘿嘿,别小看这些不起眼的植物,生命力超强的!kakak对我说过,木属,种了不必太管,也不许可以浇水,自己仍会长大!但天真的我和弟弟,每次都抢着为小木薯浇水,他浇了,我又浇;或我浇了,他还浇。。。总之最后,木薯的那块地,往往是最最湿的!

但后来人长大了,再也没有这些玩游戏的兴致。人长大了,责任多了,不代表已失去童心。还记得小时,老师说:要帮有需要帮助的人。。。要勤力读书。。。要。。。

小时往往觉得,道德教育就只是打勾与打叉,天真的想法。。。

但人越长大越明白,原来道德并不是所谓的简单。道德是心里明白的,但行动上?well...

原来从来没有所谓的天真,人终究要长大,终要追随社会的“潮流”,或风气,或社会传统。。。总之,原来道德的约束力已越来越弱,怪不得法律越来越系统化、复杂化。。。只因他律比自律更有效吧!

的确有时仍感无力,有时就是不太能久受这种社会现实的模式。。。但真的,生活有时并没有所谓的第二份选择。。。

天真无虑的童年,永别了。

***

今年夏天。。。Dr。Rowan就要退休了。。。

是的,其实去年已听到消息,但真没想到,他,真的这么老了。。。

还想起当初他教的Pharmaceutical Analysis,  坦白来说,我没有多少个很懂的。。。只因一切太新鲜。。。未能适应。。。

但是他每每教书也身体力行,那教书是夸张又风趣的动作,向来只有他做到,salut!

后来今年选option时,才发觉natural product是大家的选择,不为什么,只因有一位刻苦耐劳,愿意细心聆听并回答你的问题的讲师,静静等着你进入他的课程!

也因此,大家当初还开玩笑说,叫他留多一年吧!教完我们再走也不迟!不然,我们也学英国人demonstrate去!

我听了,只微微摇头。。。

为了光明的前途,也许应自私的叫他留下来。。。

但我更明白,人教书教了这么多年,也许倦了,也许麻木了,也许闷了。。。而突然就这样退休,一定也会无所适从。。。所以想必他这次这么认真的退休,应该是早就打好的计划吧!

所以更明白,与其埋怨、与其诅咒,不如默默祝福他退休后,过上健康快乐、知足常乐的乐龄生活。

感恩至少他已经与我们相伴两年,他的任劳任怨,夸张的态度,有时搞笑的语调,虽然被一些人看扁,但我更相信,感激的学生更多。。。

只因即使没有苦劳,也有功劳。。。

回忆中,Movement  of atom again 钻入我的脑海里。。。

Dr。Rowan, Our Little Mad Professor! 好不希望永别,得空时再来我们的lab, 听你那又长又闷,但令我们怀念的讲解!

***

最后,quote 一位朋友的话:

     回忆不痛,痛在回忆。

    (名词)                              (动词)



Sunday 10 April 2011

喝干醋

弟弟终于拿到了面试信。。。下个星期。。。
以他的成绩,能拿到面试的机会,太幸运了。。。
而我突然领悟到,为了弟弟,为了妹妹,的将来,我要撑着。
继续好好的活下去,不但是对自己的生命的负责,更是对他们的无私。

我时而质疑自己的能力,但真的,有时,生活,并没有更好的第二份选择。

转眼间才想到已好久没和大弟联络,除了知道他专心致志念他的工程,我什么也不知道。。。

他可以每天打电话给老豆,提醒要叫醒他,那我呢?(吃醋。。。)

Cheh,远方的你,听见我偶尔的思念吗?

无论如何,加油吧!

=)






I look forward the day when 3 laptops are reunited again.
康祥安琪成福



Saturday 9 April 2011

Sunny Saturday, Pain Lecture, My Oslo

I just finished the 1st lecture with Dr. Chris Bailey, last Friday...

We learned about nociception, how pain is perceived by our body...

It reminds me of a certain thing: Physical pain can be torturing, can at the skin level: exact; at the viscera (internal organ) level, wider spread...

Yet may I just know why that kind of emotional / mental pain can even be more torturing? Where is the receptor? What is the transmission mechanism?

I am wondering, I believe many do, yet of course, perhaps the answer is never important...

***

Today is a very sunny day.
Temperature is 20 degree Celcius...

Il fait bon!
La ciel est bleu!

Finally spring really has come to Bath.

To all, have a great spring!

***

Finally I manage to have access to the garden behind my house.

Due to the long, cold winter, I don;t manage to open the door to backyard when I want to that day. May be it's the condensation, may be is the block of the newspaper, may be everything has been arranged.

I wish to play tarot card that can predict my future destiny, more than accurately. Uncertainty to the future is definitely everyone's problem, I know it's sound so stupid to get to know the future...yet yeah, I just wondering...

***

Easter : Oslo, Norway!


Vigeland Sculpture Park (Vigelandsparken)




Akershus Fortress (Akershus festning)




Holmenkollen Ski Museum & Tower




The Viking Ship Museum (Vikingskipshuset)




***

Sunday 3 April 2011

Sue










Looking at Sue...

My favourite during my PMR years, Form 1 and Form 2?

I remember one of the part in the movie out of sudden...

It's when Sue was crowded by so many people and she just be able to stay stunted there...silent...

And finally, "It's a long day, guys, I think I wanna go home now =)"

She's lovely, she's responsible, she loves her job, sooooo much, and she's not anti-social.

Yet, she's deaf. And she can do usually, is doing lips reading.

So she's more comfortable with 1 to 1 interaction.

In a crown, she just did not know whom she should read, in the end, she was confused, she was tired, and so, yeah, 'it was a long day, guys..."

Yet I still remember her words, she has no rights to be angry, and in the end, I still remembered the happy ending =) It's just another happy, confident, Sue.

Sue is deaf, yet she can become an FBI, because she has that DETERMINATION.

Besides lovely Levis, I suddenly remembered of my next prescription soon, Diazepam, for animals =)

Believe in love =)

Saturday 2 April 2011

To stay, To leave, THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

Without realising, this is my 302nd post already!

***

To stay or to leave?
To leave.
As I need to move on.

To stay or to leave?
To stay.
As I love Bath, so much.

To stay or to leave?
If only I don't have to make so much choice, in my life.

***

Pass JPJ, and that's it!
All the best, to you =)

***

Spring has really come to Bath!
To everyone, enjoy the spring while you can, OK!
Love the flower, the wind, the sunshine...
Besides Remember Miranda =)

Friday 1 April 2011

凌晨漫步

离开了黑暗,回到了光明。

虽然仍是熟悉的寂寞,但,就是那熟悉的感觉,才是最实在的。

SR,加油!