蓝天白云下

Sunshine ^^ Rainbow ^^ Aurora ~

Life, moves on :)

Thursday 25 August 2011

Officially - The Real Summer Holiday =)

那天在飞机上,终于了解到什么是:蓝天白云上=)

终于到家了!一切仍是熟悉的白色与彩色=)

离家一年了,弟妹们仍是老样子。三弟还是习惯性的outgoing和懒散、唯妹仍是那几句挑细又挑拨的语气、四弟还是很肥(oops,很胖才对),而小弟则像我一样,仍是瘦瘦的。。。

后来才知,原来妈妈那天又进了医院。虽不是什么大碍,而且之中还发生了可笑的误会(警察几乎被找上门,LOL~),我感叹:原来只要我不在家,有好多事,家人会选择隐瞒着我。觉得我太忙、不想我太担心、并不是什么大事,都是种种不通知我的理由。。。

然而,相反地,正因为身在异乡,我渴望家里能时时给我最新的家里动态。说过好多次了,就算只是offline message,也算是很棒了。只因,我从来不要求太多。我想知道,只因那份责任感,只因我仍使家里的一份子。。。但现在看来,这要求,也算蛮高的。。。

而kakak也说,感叹岁月不留人。她也感叹自己越来越老了。她说:2014年它就要回乡了,从此应该不会再回来了。我马上想起,是因为要等我2013年毕业吗?果然,一个点头又回答了我的猜疑。我顿时有些许感动。曾经,还记得,她说要等我结婚,帮忙照顾我的孩子。。。但很多时候,果然,上帝仍是最powerful地主宰着一切。。。

昨午顺利抵达KLIA,然后就是离别的时刻。虽一个月后会重新见面,但离别的感伤仍让我哽咽一会儿。我想我知道是为了什么。。。

然后再到十点晚上,就是抵达亚庇国际机场的时刻。Kenny 的爸爸等着我们。看着他那高兴的表情,我又些许感觉涌上心头。无奈的是这又是一次没有家人接机的班机。不好意思的是我的出现的确影响了Kenny一家团聚的时刻。即使他们不在意,我仍有些在意。想起在巴斯曾经发生的一切,我感叹,也许我欠一些人太多太多了。。。

这是一个难眠的夜晚。回家的路上,脑子就是不肯听使唤的,以至打转着。我,有些疲累。过去的事,现在的事,未来的事。。。我开始明白,也许平时最气的是人是气自己。气自己为何这么任性,为何失去理性,为何还是。。。

隐隐约约,不知是否该将事实向一些人托盘而出。曾经,我对世界那天真美好的憧憬已被弱肉强食与自私的现实无情的粉碎了。也许是时候变得更理智了。对家人、对朋友,我仍然保留另一份自我,也许做人永远不能太真实。。。也许这才是真正的事实吧。。。

当我在机场那天接到一位朋友的信息:My dream did not come true。心碎了。想必碎的可不只是他/她的心,就连读信息的我,也感到那种心碎的感觉。曾经的希望、过去的付出、之前的努力,只因一份简单执着的质疑,就这样付之一炬。。。其实这真的不是很关我的事,但曾经和她/他一起努力着。。。我感叹,为何世界,似乎有时,就是这么的不公平?

若我能自私一点,也许就不会这么痛苦了。若我能放下我的执著,抛弃出卖我的人、摒弃唾弃我的人、与不能接受我是我的人绝交。。。也许我的蓝天将会显得更晴朗。但我选择保留每一份友情,只因我感激朋友们时不时对我的关照、真心侍候、耐心聆听。。。总结来说我更不知我到底是忘本的人,还是饮水思源的人。忘本,只因想过彻底的放弃。。。不忘本,只因到现在,其实明白真正的放弃,是我毕生做不出的吧。。。那天以为自己真的放得下,但老天最后一分钟的变卦,让我彻底回思。。。

无论如何,暑假真正得到了。对于和我一起在Boots同声共死的朋友,祝你们暑假快乐。想起当初大家一起分享在药剂房种种的经验,我会心微笑。Henleaze,Whiteladies Road,Eastgate, Weston, Trowbridge,就这样,在我的夏天,留下了永不磨灭的回忆。只因这份回忆,是真正属于我们的。从UCSI到巴斯大学到Herbert Road 到Boots,这种缘分,得来不易。所以我知道,至少我,万分珍惜。。。

属于我们的假期真正得到了。一个月充电后,我们再见=)



Sunday 21 August 2011

想撒娇

Reach St.Ives.

在海边,听着海浪拍岸,风儿呼啸,海鸥哦哦叫着,再加上草丛沙沙的婆娑起舞——这是一份大自然美妙的交响曲。

躺在英国最后的夏天阳光下,草丛仍是那么的舒服。

上帝,感谢给与我来到英国的机会。

***

六人行变三人行。

我想念槟城的海边。

我想念坦率,坦诚,没有束缚的过日子。

我不时撇过脸,只因不想让我的朋友看到我那痛苦的表情。

我不太介意我不能好好的享受最后一天。

只因憋得太久了,太委屈了,想起种种对我无意有意的背叛,不能坦诚的相处,我,遗憾。。。

但原来,别人永远看不到我的付出,永远只看到我欠佳的一面。

也许时间会证明一切吧,但我不再奢望。

***

爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹。

我要回来了。

我知道还有几个人等着我。

曾经,有人质疑我对你们的爱。

但我自己知道,当我不再赖家,过度想家——我渐渐自我独立、成人,也正是你们想要的。

我不需让别人知道,我的钱包守着我们的全家福,而偶尔看着你们的笑容,就是那份力量与信念的泉源之一。

当人家渐渐长大,才发觉我不能再管太多。弟妹就像我的juniors一样,当羽翼丰满时,即使我多不舍,已经是放手的时刻。

只因当哥哥久了,虽不是个100%称职的哥哥,但只要有你们的recognition,我不再需要向别人交待。

有时很想将一直以来背着的那份责任感,放在一边休息一下。。。

也许终有一天,我能够休息一下,做回一次撒娇的儿子与弟弟吧。。。

(偶然想起一些兄弟不和或反目的家庭——本是同根生,相煎何太急。若肯下定决心,行的!)




Wednesday 17 August 2011

Forget the door

I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never.

God, may you give me the strength for that, may I?

Remember those considerate nights that turned out to be turned away, walked back quietly upwards towards the Coronation Avenue, I was exhausted, not physically.

I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never. Even though I would miss it, more than badly, in my dreams, sometimes.

Tuesday 16 August 2011

15082011 - Last Day - Farewell


Dear Boots Henleaze Team 0489:

Today is the last day of work, and too bad, late...

Anyway the whole day turns out to be the best in my life...

Get to see an MUR today, on inhalers, amazing...

Then I get a goodbye charm from Ms.Suzi. She's on wheelchair yet she's cheerful and wonderful. Her sound is loud yet clear enough. She's really the exceptional customer that is sooooooo nice, ohh...

I won;t forget her last few words: "Jackie. Come to see you. Ohh, I will miss your smile..."

Ohh...

Then finally is the moment of leaving. Dinner at Nandos turns out to be the greatest ever in my life. with English, with Colleagues, away from Bath. Unimaginable.

All the dispensers are not going. Yet I got a lovely pen and card from Gaby. Then is another 'so-called' 'present from all'- a Parker Pen and a box of chocolate, and a card again.

"You got a pen bcz you wrote a lot, a lot.."

"So I got chocolate bcz I ate lots of chocolate? Lots of?..."

That's not the explanation perhaps. Yet is it still very important at this point?

I won;t forget: Northumberland is a small town/city near Scotland border, yet not really in Scotland. Hence all the people still pay for their prescription. Too bad..."

Finally is hugs from the ladies. Thanks Jacqui. Thanks Linda. And, yeah, thanks Juliet!

Then finally is the leave home to Coronation Avenue, door-to-door delivery. Thanks pre-reg sweety... =)

There's nothing more I can request in my life, isn't it?

To Boots Henleaze Team, you are a fantastic team with all the elements of happy family.

If Malaysia is my 1st home, Bath is my second, then Boots Henleaze will be the third, definitely.

Thanks for cherishing my summer, you fella!

"You fella are the best damn thing that ever happened in my life, ever!"

"The hardest word to say is goodbye, always."


With lots of love and regard,

Jackie

Monday 15 August 2011

The light of my life

Not feeling too well now...

生活中除了爱情,还有亲情和友情。。。

我尝试了,居然冥冥中怎样也不会相遇,我,累了。。。

是时候好好醒过来了。

不是不曾努力过,而是到了最后,无缘就是无缘。

不是过来人就不会明白那种感觉,明明很想见,但到了门前,连按门铃前都要犹豫很久很久,而最后,当提出勇气按门铃后,那种空虚和失望的感觉,很无奈。

***

明天就是工作的最后一天,很不舍得,只因Boots Henleaze, 真的是很温馨的家庭。

昨晚还做了一场离别前夕的梦,梦境的故事,忘了,但梦境让我流出的泪水,体验出的悲哀,则倒是真实的。

曾经读过,梦,大致上有五种:
梦是日有所思,夜有所梦。
梦是感官的刺激感应。
梦是心灵相通。
梦是垃圾讯息的结合。
梦是愿望的达成。

我不再奢望我的梦是三,有好多,应属于一二四,而也许我能真正向往的,是五。

***

好久已没有这么情绪化了,不知为何。。。

万籁俱寂,Coronation Avenue 很静很静。今夜的月亮,看起来,很远很远。

而团圆的那一日,就象今晚的皎洁明媚的月亮一样,很远很远。。。


Tuesday 9 August 2011

Farewell

I just need to blog before I forget the incident today again.

Today on 'emergercy request' I am switched from Henleaze to Whiteladies Road aka Black Boy Hill, still at Bristol.

Not really emergency as I get the notice one day earlier anywhere.

Yet the experience today is another eye-opening experience for me.

It's quite fun to have chance to work in a different store. A little bit changes in environment. Yet of course you are still doing the same job: dispensing, healthcare advising, stocking, etc.

Special thanks to Sarah (dispenser), Nic (Pharmacist 1) and Karen/Caryn/(similar sound) (Pharmacist 2)...

A good bond that I can established between pharmacists and pharmacies...

Indeed experience today makes me miss and appreciate Henleaze even more than I ever thought.

That's indeed human nature, you never appreciate a single stuff till you lost it, and sometimes, completely.

Indeed everything is fated in the end. Initially I should go to this small store on the hill of Whiteladies Road yet I am transferred to Henleaze at the end, on 'emergency'. And now by chance I come back again, just that I don;t have the chance to see Rob, as again.

Ir's fated in your life: who's you gonna meet and where and when. Sometimes you wanna meet someone yet just never ever meet them again. Sometimes you really don;t wanna meet someone yet he/she will just appear in front of your eyes. How many you eat, how much you drink, FATED, silently...

It's not an excuse to be irresponsible to your though. People always misunderstand me at the end. Well, take my words: It's NOT an excuse to be irresponsible, to make mistakes, to be forgiven 100%, with the childish thought that everything is FATED.

Everyone deserve to be happy in the end, as Gaby said, when you thought you are in the hot soup, it can be worse.

When you complaint of having awful food for your lunch, think of the food crisis at Somalia...
When you complaint of having insufficient sale for Health Promotion Event, how about those people that determined to find some money legally by selling The Big Issue yet life just seems so hard, beside the street?

***

Finally I hate myself still, not too much, yet in the end I still hold on something that I should not.

Perhaps I can be worse, yet, behind the smiling face, I start to be a little bit moody...

I miss DH suddenly. Yet I should not meet him again. I should not.

***

A good friend of mine is apparently disappointing with me.

Indeed, but please, can you DO NOT punish yourself because of me?

Indeed I am still the Jackie that gonna listen to all your ups and downs, still be waiting silently for your occasional messages, and will be smiling silently to give you the moral support.

Indeed I never ever thought of any friend as a burden to me, never as a waste of my time...

Especially you.

You know what I am talking about. As I said, as you said, everyone deserve to be happy.

You remember saying that during my downs? Maybe, but I never ever forget that, when you are at the peninsula.

So promise me, no matter what, you will take care of yourself, please.

***

Boots songs for this year will come to an end.

To my colleagues, when I said I should come again, I mean it.

Yet it's never ever my mean to see Elena poisoned or see Juliet shaking her head as I am working extra half day...

Well well Elena, see that in your coffee, maybe next time, LOL~

And thanks also to Lewis to give me a personal ID even though I just a very very temporary staff at Whiteladies Road, and thanks to remind Sarah to show me the bus stop, in case I cannot be home...

Another marvelous place with post office and Lloyds Bank =)

I know you all know English but thinking of presenting this song to you all =)



And for dear, with my prescription still in your hand, go for this one, alright?





只因我隐性的肩膀,永远陪在你身边=)


Tuesday 2 August 2011

I will never forget

My Boots experience almost comes to an end...

Yet I must write down everything today, as I don't wanna forget...

I will never forget, when I and Munira need to chase a customer to return her Advantage Card.
I will never forget, when I need to serve my colleagues and still pretend that they are just another regular customer.
I will never forget, when I chat happily about dispensing, cultures and others with my dispensers.
I will never forget, when I am reminded of the greatness of mother's love - hate yet love you always.
I will never forget, when I almost cry at toilet sometimes prior to moving house.
I will never forget, when I need to call out my own name yet actually is another person with same name as me.
I will never forget, when Juliet keep telling me, no worries.
I will never forget, when Juliet shows great flexibility yet no bureaucracy to me.
I will never forget, when Juliet signpost me to Eastgate for the Care Home Service.
I will never forget, when Elena keep asking me: are you alright? (as I am always lost...)
I will never forget, when Gaby shows her professionalism in healthcare service interaction.
I will never forget, when Sue shows the smiling and patient face for the funny coins.
I will never forget, when Linda asking my details about Malaysia at the till.
I will never forget, when I see the exhausted faces of Jacqui after chasing some shoplifter.
I will never forget, when  I see Lewis is more than angry for some very "good" customers.
I will never forget, when I see the grand celebration for Leanne's success in passing pre-reg.
I will never forget, when I heard Ann dispenser feel so proud of her beautiful sons.
I will never forget, when I can discuss weird prescription(s) with Ann pharmacist.
I will never forget, when I see the happy face and hear the happy tone of Aamaia doing MUR.
I will never forget, when I need to actually respect different behaviour of people - confidence!
I will never forget, when I have forgotten my keys (last minute) in the training room...
I will never forget, when Juliet consult me on pharmacy system in Malaysia for emergency cases of a travelling patient at Malaysia.
I will never forget, when I am praised by Juliet, recognising the hardworks that I have done (Ju: as I just don't want you to be too tired...).

Indeed I am given and showered with more than what I have expected at this small yet happy and warm family. Feel neglected sometimes yet I keep telling myself:

感恩我所拥有的,感谢我所没有的。

感动于实在在的,感触于现在在的。

只因现在一去不复返。

I am more than grateful to God for being given the chance for this new, exciting, meaningful and thoughtful summer...

Bel été, apprécier!

而最后,只想轻轻,徐徐得带过另外一份生活的感触:

初恋是一首甜美的歌。
至少能够与曾经爱过的人在一起,即使时间短暂,也万分珍惜。
而“我爱你”果然是最简单的词语,却也是最难说出口的华语。
爱你,不只是嘴上的,更是心上的。
最后,感谢你让我没有遗憾的离开。

遥远的,是距离;不变的,是心灵。