She was the one that used to look after me when I was so young, especially before I was one year old.
At that time my mom and my daddy were working, and just had to left me somewhere, and there I was.
When aunty's mom look at my small feet, she said: 'Kaki budak ni lain dari yang lain. Dia ni jalan jauh punya bah, nanti dia pergi luar negeri ni...'
My aunty said she never forget that. And to know the fact today, I am surprised, really really surprised.
"Mungkin mata orang tua ni kabur, tapi hati mereka, lebih terang daripada yang lain."
Especially for those humble, considerate one. Life experience taught them to be even more and more humble and considerate. God bless.
A root discovery journey in London. A route towards appreciating the love in your life. Sometimes time and money, may need to be sacrificed, when love, gratefulness and appreciation, override everything.
I already get my present for this Christmas. How about thou?
Today I am literally rushing with the time today. Keep looking at the watch, and clock...
Finally I am out at 3pm today, officially! The day is sky blue, I still remember my French lecture, may be the last one: Le ciel est bleu! Not even sure if the spelling is correct, have not touch French for ages really...
After hard revision and internet browsing for almost 5 days I suppose, I finally see the outside world again! Finally I blamed myself again, in my room I become self-centred till I just forget that the sky is that huge, the land is so rich while I am just a small tiny humble human being, out of the world billions population...
I still moving on with life. I realise my past selfishness by looking at others'. Some, getting better. Some, getting worse. Yet in the end I will not ever forget those words from one of my friend that always show me the 'road': it is individual's right to live their own life, that they feel is alright. Well, I think that is quite right, with an additional sentence (please): provided they do NOT HARM others in the process, physically, emotionally, socially...
I remember some of my friends' sayings before, 'will try to help you reduce your economic burden'... yet in the end what they do, indirectly, is the reverse. After perhaps so many life challenges, I started to realise, I am forced to grow up, in 3-4 years time, when indeed I am still the naive innocent Jackie, at least, when I was at my A-Levels...Yet may be this is not the bad thing at all. I start to know and care about the 'white eye; of others, which taught me to be at least, still believe in what I am doing, and after all the incidences, may be I shall know who my true friend(s) is/are...Some of them are always there. I love them. And suddenly, I started to be grateful, with all the blessings...as may be, and hopefully, I realise that, there is NO ABSOLUTENESS in life. This second is friend, does not mean next second, you still must be. And when you start to claim authority on others' belongings, and thinking that they are absolutely yours...Just stay back for a second. Even birth, death, and life itself is never ever absolute, or certain...
I can see the strong bonds among some of my friends. Carefree and still with their own life. Yet so happy. And in the end they never forget friends around them. When he/she thought that they have forgotten them, may be not, when I see with my own eyes. If God will kindly will give me another chance to have such good partnership, for my last year...but I know...perhaps even my humble wish is just too greedy sometimes...sometimes...
Yet in the end when some love just have to end. Some will never end. I talked so loudly till like scolding mama, when trying to ask about my bro's PMR result today. Again the government let us down again. Because we are at interior part of Sabah everything has to be late. Can allowance be made for that? Yet anyway, when I finally sit down for a while, I started to think of a possible conversation between me, and her:
..."Mom, I was just too loud isn;t it? Sorry..."
"You are indeed so hot tempered sometimes..."
"At least you get used to it..."
"Well unfortunately, because you are my son. And that's just part of you..."
"And mama, you are always my mama. Even though I shout at you, I love you mama. Merry Christmas..."
Only family member will be the most considerate, to have the most faith in us, to always be there, and with whom we can really be ourselves.
When you thought the whole world is sorry for you, at least, you have FRIEND, and FAMILY.
God gave me time to see the real face of everything. It's not the end point yet. Yet perhaps, that's more than enough. I still have a long journey to go. I know there's people that will always hide the truth from me, and also people, that will be true and believe in me.
SO DO I.
To everyone, with the never ever stopping love, from friends, from family, from God:
mon ami de jardin bibliothèque librairie lampe ordinateur ordinateur portable billet verts rose blanche le ciel trahison
irlandaise Gallois écossaise allemande
espagnole Malaisie
(Spanish)
mi amigo
jardín
biblioteca
librería
lámpara
ordenador
portátil
billete
verde
rosa
blanco
cielo
traición
irlandés
galés
escocés
alemán
español
malasio
Of course I do the selection selectively.
Yet it is quite surprising to note the differences!
And the similarities between French and Spanish!
I still remember I was astonished when my tutor said that we can buy books at 'libriarie' - and in the end I just realise that that is bookshop, and not library, as claimed by English.
And so I am not surprised again when I heard the word 'libreria' is linked to some form of local business.
- For the 1st time I write something which is quite factual and no mixture of emotions this time =)
- Realise that one of the non-close friends seems to move on with life although actually stuck in a 'love-cycle' problem? Not sure if I am true, yet +U! Sometimes wound (if I am right, again...) take time to heal...
- No matter how harsh life can be, in the end one of my English colleague just told me, clearly:
"C'est la vie."
Thanks to nutella muffin and sweet potato deserts and choco-mint ice cream.
* C'est la vie *
I miss my telenovela songs of "el Desprecio" - yet I know may be I will never meet it, again.
Yet at this Halloween night, it suddenly reminded me of my families, I suddenly miss them so much.
I started to be confused with all types of human relationships - I don;t know if they are sincere or pretending. They just sounds - so real... - and I am indeed - tired to care anything anymore...
I know I will still have to smile, and I know I will. Yet I don;t know who I should talk to anymore this year...
The session when I was preparing some 'red eggs' in the kitchen... Thermoreceptor reflex arc made me put down the egg quickly...yet sudddenly there's a sudden reflection in my mind...
We always busy counting how other person treat us and rate them from scale 0 to 10, then will give a score, maybe 0.5 or 1 or 4.758 or 9.9, who knows? We mumbling if we feel others have mistreat us and feel that we should always be treated in the best manner (as part of human nature - self-centred), yet at the same time, when we feel that the distance between your friend and yourself is getting further and further - till a twinning point - where you just don;t know him/her anymore - is it because of you? Or him/her? Or both? Or none?
Ask yourself what have you done for others. Life is not an absolute must.
And because of that - I'll rather continue to believe my friend - with sincerity, as I know - life will be easier in that way =)
When it's a point to come to fill your heart with love or hatred, it's your choice. And I believe, everyone will select a choice that makes his/her life easier =)
Random reflection, it;s sound so true, yet perhaps sometimes in life- there's just something that we don't need to think too much..
A day that I should celebrate but don;t really feel to celebrate this year.
A lot of birthday wishes from everywhere: Thanks guys!
A birthday that teaches me all about friends
Reminds me that I have lost some friends
Reminds me that I still have some distant yet strongly remaining friendship
Reminds me that when I want to maintain, the full stop has come to an end
Reminds me who my genuine friends are
When my age increased by one year
I suddenly realise that my wisdom and maturity have to increase too
My birthday wishes are:
If I can have some great friend that knows me and I should know him/her
If I can achieve mutual transparency and understanding between us
If he/she will know that I never forget our friendship and still wish the best for him/her
Indeed when I saw that cake, I don;t have to make a wish as I know what I should wish
Sitting in front of the laptop
Seniors, juniors, friends, colleagues, housemates
Suddenly everything just cross my mind
To the University that teaches me the 1st wisdom in my life
Thanks for let me grow
Even in sadness, disappointment and frustration sometimes
As each fallen leaf, blossom flower and melting snow
Will curve my lifetime memory
Hardly believe that I have only a post so far for the month of September this year, excluding this one...
It's the moment to leave - everything that I am familiar, back to somewhere that I am, or was, familiar, also...
I still remember my friend's words on the night - s/he cannot express his/her opinions/feelings in exact words anymore - and feel more than sad about that - as she used to be a good writer / blogger before...
Indeed words cannot express everything accurately in our life - word is still limited with its ability to expand in vocabulary, grammar, intonation, alphabets, etc...
Losing such ability may not be a bad thing - to a certain extent - it means s/he has been able to leave out what's haunted him/her for few years - and of course that sounds more than a great thing to celebrate =)
I am working for the same goal now...
Again I am grateful to God to let me have this 落叶归根之旅. I re-find my strength, my goal and my own identity - in this quiet, tranquil and peaceful lifestyle, in a small yet busy buzzling town/city of Keningau - in the mountainous region of interior part of Northern Borneo =)
It's the time to appreciate the long live sunshine - almost 12 hours per day - in Malaysia - before I am back to autumn, cold, windy, lonely sometimes - in Bath...
I will definitely remember the dawn, morning, noon, afternoon, sunset, evening, and nightfall - here...
In the middle of this holiday, just a quick shot for everyone.
Life at home is always the sweetest, seems endless, which is indeed, a wrong sense of safety, as anything so good will always come to end, anyway.
After home for this time, it's just suddenly some of the feelings change. I start to lose trust, not completely, in certain people that I used to believe, wholeheartedly, in my life. Yet God never ever let me completely down. I found a new goal at the same time. Not say completely new but it is enough to keep me moving on.
Sounds so deep indeed, especially if i refuse to explain too much, sorry guys...
At the same time, travelling from Penzance and then back to my hometown now. Not gonna be to Brunei anymore although requested, life just seems quite busy now, with students around me. Some of the close friends do know...
At the same time, I had been in a sort of new thinking. I used to think that every friendship is just 'like that', which appears to be wrong, again. My good friend makes me realise that:
同心用心诚心经营的友情才会永远开出美丽的友谊之花。
感谢你，朋友！
Every word counts in this case you know. Three hearts, may be more, is needed. When you thought you can let it go, yet when the other one really sincerely works it out, the flower of friendship, no matter how cold the winter is, will blossoms again.
I am more than thankful to finally be shown who I can rely on, at least for this moment. Life and friendship can be based on formality and informality. A true friend is when you can be yourself in front of him/her, without wearing a mask, that may makes yourself not comfortable sometimes.
A sincere and the only wish that I receive to wish me Happy Mooncake / Lantern Festival, is more than a best reminder. Perhaps a friendship that is not bound by the so-called 'couples' love', will turn out to be the best in your life.
带个平常心，真心祝福一对幸福的情侣。看着友人的幸福，也许就是一种幸福。
Indeed life is not difficult. Yet there;s too many situations that makes me feel otherwise.
哀莫大于心死。
This applies to some of my family members as well as some friends. Indeed when you think you give out 100% you should not think of getting 100% back, and otherwise. In the end people used to judge others but they always forget to see themselves. Undeniably that;s what happen to me sometimes. I won;t deny.
Life teaches me wisdom day by day, as I am growing. I am indeed a slow catcher. Yet with continuous support from my family and my friends that I can count on: I am gonna be ALRIGHT =)
Indeed my holiday is not long anymore. Aunty will come soon......
To my bros and sis, perhaps you will never ever read this. Yet beside the moody clouds and long angry speech that may make you boring sometimes, I always L.O.V.E you all =) To see you all studying hard, be so obedient, with all the laughters and smiles, and even when you sleep so soundly - I shall not, ever ever, forget them.
当我在机场那天接到一位朋友的信息：My dream did not come true。心碎了。想必碎的可不只是他/她的心，就连读信息的我，也感到那种心碎的感觉。曾经的希望、过去的付出、之前的努力，只因一份简单执着的质疑，就这样付之一炬。。。其实这真的不是很关我的事，但曾经和她/他一起努力着。。。我感叹，为何世界，似乎有时，就是这么的不公平？
I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never.
God, may you give me the strength for that, may I?
Remember those considerate nights that turned out to be turned away, walked back quietly upwards towards the Coronation Avenue, I was exhausted, not physically.
I don't want to knock on the door that will never ever open for me again. Never. Even though I would miss it, more than badly, in my dreams, sometimes.
Today is the last day of work, and too bad, late...
Anyway the whole day turns out to be the best in my life...
Get to see an MUR today, on inhalers, amazing...
Then I get a goodbye charm from Ms.Suzi. She's on wheelchair yet she's cheerful and wonderful. Her sound is loud yet clear enough. She's really the exceptional customer that is sooooooo nice, ohh...
I won;t forget her last few words: "Jackie. Come to see you. Ohh, I will miss your smile..."
Ohh...
Then finally is the moment of leaving. Dinner at Nandos turns out to be the greatest ever in my life. with English, with Colleagues, away from Bath. Unimaginable.
All the dispensers are not going. Yet I got a lovely pen and card from Gaby. Then is another 'so-called' 'present from all'- a Parker Pen and a box of chocolate, and a card again.
"You got a pen bcz you wrote a lot, a lot.."
"So I got chocolate bcz I ate lots of chocolate? Lots of?..."
That's not the explanation perhaps. Yet is it still very important at this point?
I won;t forget: Northumberland is a small town/city near Scotland border, yet not really in Scotland. Hence all the people still pay for their prescription. Too bad..."
Finally is hugs from the ladies. Thanks Jacqui. Thanks Linda. And, yeah, thanks Juliet!
Then finally is the leave home to Coronation Avenue, door-to-door delivery. Thanks pre-reg sweety... =)
There's nothing more I can request in my life, isn't it?
To Boots Henleaze Team, you are a fantastic team with all the elements of happy family.
If Malaysia is my 1st home, Bath is my second, then Boots Henleaze will be the third, definitely.
Thanks for cherishing my summer, you fella!
"You fella are the best damn thing that ever happened in my life, ever!"
I just need to blog before I forget the incident today again.
Today on 'emergercy request' I am switched from Henleaze to Whiteladies Road aka Black Boy Hill, still at Bristol.
Not really emergency as I get the notice one day earlier anywhere.
Yet the experience today is another eye-opening experience for me.
It's quite fun to have chance to work in a different store. A little bit changes in environment. Yet of course you are still doing the same job: dispensing, healthcare advising, stocking, etc.
Special thanks to Sarah (dispenser), Nic (Pharmacist 1) and Karen/Caryn/(similar sound) (Pharmacist 2)...
A good bond that I can established between pharmacists and pharmacies...
Indeed experience today makes me miss and appreciate Henleaze even more than I ever thought.
That's indeed human nature, you never appreciate a single stuff till you lost it, and sometimes, completely.
Indeed everything is fated in the end. Initially I should go to this small store on the hill of Whiteladies Road yet I am transferred to Henleaze at the end, on 'emergency'. And now by chance I come back again, just that I don;t have the chance to see Rob, as again.
Ir's fated in your life: who's you gonna meet and where and when. Sometimes you wanna meet someone yet just never ever meet them again. Sometimes you really don;t wanna meet someone yet he/she will just appear in front of your eyes. How many you eat, how much you drink, FATED, silently...
It's not an excuse to be irresponsible to your though. People always misunderstand me at the end. Well, take my words: It's NOT an excuse to be irresponsible, to make mistakes, to be forgiven 100%, with the childish thought that everything is FATED.
Everyone deserve to be happy in the end, as Gaby said, when you thought you are in the hot soup, it can be worse.
When you complaint of having awful food for your lunch, think of the food crisis at Somalia...
When you complaint of having insufficient sale for Health Promotion Event, how about those people that determined to find some money legally by selling The Big Issue yet life just seems so hard, beside the street?
***
Finally I hate myself still, not too much, yet in the end I still hold on something that I should not.
Perhaps I can be worse, yet, behind the smiling face, I start to be a little bit moody...
I miss DH suddenly. Yet I should not meet him again. I should not.
***
A good friend of mine is apparently disappointing with me.
Indeed, but please, can you DO NOT punish yourself because of me?
Indeed I am still the Jackie that gonna listen to all your ups and downs, still be waiting silently for your occasional messages, and will be smiling silently to give you the moral support.
Indeed I never ever thought of any friend as a burden to me, never as a waste of my time...
Especially you.
You know what I am talking about. As I said, as you said, everyone deserve to be happy.
You remember saying that during my downs? Maybe, but I never ever forget that, when you are at the peninsula.
So promise me, no matter what, you will take care of yourself, please.
***
Boots songs for this year will come to an end.
To my colleagues, when I said I should come again, I mean it.
Yet it's never ever my mean to see Elena poisoned or see Juliet shaking her head as I am working extra half day...
Well well Elena, see that in your coffee, maybe next time, LOL~
And thanks also to Lewis to give me a personal ID even though I just a very very temporary staff at Whiteladies Road, and thanks to remind Sarah to show me the bus stop, in case I cannot be home...
Another marvelous place with post office and Lloyds Bank =)
I know you all know English but thinking of presenting this song to you all =)
And for dear, with my prescription still in your hand, go for this one, alright?
Yet I must write down everything today, as I don't wanna forget...
I will never forget, when I and Munira need to chase a customer to return her Advantage Card.
I will never forget, when I need to serve my colleagues and still pretend that they are just another regular customer.
I will never forget, when I chat happily about dispensing, cultures and others with my dispensers.
I will never forget, when I am reminded of the greatness of mother's love - hate yet love you always.
I will never forget, when I almost cry at toilet sometimes prior to moving house.
I will never forget, when I need to call out my own name yet actually is another person with same name as me.
I will never forget, when Juliet keep telling me, no worries.
I will never forget, when Juliet shows great flexibility yet no bureaucracy to me.
I will never forget, when Juliet signpost me to Eastgate for the Care Home Service.
I will never forget, when Elena keep asking me: are you alright? (as I am always lost...)
I will never forget, when Gaby shows her professionalism in healthcare service interaction.
I will never forget, when Sue shows the smiling and patient face for the funny coins.
I will never forget, when Linda asking my details about Malaysia at the till.
I will never forget, when I see the exhausted faces of Jacqui after chasing some shoplifter.
I will never forget, when I see Lewis is more than angry for some very "good" customers.
I will never forget, when I see the grand celebration for Leanne's success in passing pre-reg.
I will never forget, when I heard Ann dispenser feel so proud of her beautiful sons.
I will never forget, when I can discuss weird prescription(s) with Ann pharmacist.
I will never forget, when I see the happy face and hear the happy tone of Aamaia doing MUR.
I will never forget, when I need to actually respect different behaviour of people - confidence!
I will never forget, when I have forgotten my keys (last minute) in the training room...
I will never forget, when Juliet consult me on pharmacy system in Malaysia for emergency cases of a travelling patient at Malaysia.
I will never forget, when I am praised by Juliet, recognising the hardworks that I have done (Ju: as I just don't want you to be too tired...).
Indeed I am given and showered with more than what I have expected at this small yet happy and warm family. Feel neglected sometimes yet I keep telling myself:
感恩我所拥有的，感谢我所没有的。
感动于实在在的，感触于现在在的。
只因现在一去不复返。
I am more than grateful to God for being given the chance for this new, exciting, meaningful and thoughtful summer...
Yesterday I met a very lovely old lady:
"Jackie, do you still remember me?"
I am astonished on the 1st place, with her ability to remember the name of this small staff, in the usual store called Boots The Chemist - Henleaze.
She came to collect her photos. And in the end:
"Thanks Ms. Nash. Please come again. God bless you."
As your small action makes up the smile of my whole day =)
Indeed that's the power of small deed indeed. Some customer is a complete headache, yet some, are just sooooooooooooo lovely!
***
Then I saw another small kid, kiddo, girl, maybe 6-8 years old.
Small cutie little pinkie.
She came to pay for 3 mouthwashes on 3 for 2 offer, plus a clearance item of lipgloss.
"Right, that's 4.XX, do you have Boots Card with you?"
She just keeping moving her head, saying no no, very shy girl...
"Do you need a bag?"
Again is another sign of no no.
She said, "I can carry them"
I cannot imagine how such tiny hands can hold 3 bottles of mouthwashes, kind of heavy for her age...
"I'll give you a small bag, alright?"
She smiled =)
"Is that for yourself?"
"Nah, the mouthwashes are for mommy...The lipgloss...for myself"
And another charming smile =)
"Right then. Take care sweety =)"
Perhaps indirectly I do love children. I never realise that. I don't really understand how a small cutie girl, can kill all my anger and headache due to previous customers...And makes up one of my afternoon =)
May be I will be a good daddy in the future, if I got the chance. Well, will me?
***
The day seems busy while I am working at Boots Henleaze. Busy, I am tired of standing at counter sometimes...I wanna do dispensary, well well...
Then last night I had a bad nausea. I vomited in the toilet of my future house. In the end I had to take the night bus, rush to my new house, just to get the traditional chinese oil that I had moved previously. So stupid!
Never imagine I can be as sick as this. I just feel want to faint soon. Soon.
Then I even think about whether I will be able to work the next day. I don;t wanna sacrifice my holidays due to this stupid nausea. Don;t want!
So the next day I kept myself asleep on the bus for the whole journey. So that I won;t wake up and feel sick half way. Don;t wanna vomit at Brislington or Salford or Temple Meads...
Then even my manager can sense my state of falling sick.
Juliet, Elena, especially: Are you alright?
I told myself: I should be alright.
That manager kept reminding me: Do not drink the milk that you bought this morning!
And he reminded me three times, with the disbelieving eye...
What the...
Anyway as I always know, 天无绝人之路。山重气水复疑无路，柳暗花明又一村。
With the bless of the smile of the customers, I felt thousand times better =)
Thank God =)
I don;t wanna think too much anymore. As long as I have done all the good deeds in my life, I believe my life will be blessed in the end.
Just like when I writing this blog. I thought I cannot write in Chinese anymore. Yet there's always sunshine behind the black clouds =)
***
My pre-reg is leaving, to become a relief soon.
That Friday is the life-changing point for her
An official letter from General Pharmaceutical Council, followed by a huge happy cry. Passed！
Then is the hugs from all the female staffs.
And finally, a big lovely sweety double double chocolate cake from Linda!
(Well, it tastes more like horlicks cake to me...)
Anyway, wish you all the best for your future, you are bright, be more confident, Leanne!
See you soon, if we got the chance, in the future =)
Like when we collide on the bus to Blackboy Hill today =)
PHARMACIST, officially =)
***
There's one night when of the dispenser send a text message to her sons:
"You fella are the best thing that I ever made in my life. I will always love you all."
"Mom, are you gonna throw yourself over the bridge soon?"
"No..."
"Mom, you are confusing and misleading..."
Anyway, that's a mother's love.
God cannot be with us 24 hours a day, that;s why we have mama =)
Sounds so childish yet so true, indeed =)
***
I kept telling myself to keep a diary for my works in these 7 weeks.
I will definitely miss Juliet, Elena, Gaby, Anne 1, Anne 2, Sue, Linda, Jacqui, Leanne, Lewis, Priyankaa and maybe soon, Munira.
Time flies. In the end I just don;t realise that: This is week 5. And 2 more weeks to go...
Just like when I shift my house: In the end there's only 2 days left. I will miss the old house. Especially after the incident today.
I thought I have nothing left in this house anymore, other than the brightest memory and laughter, with few spices with Wei Chern, Kenny and Guarino...
Yet may be, I am wrong...
Izinkan saya untuk mengundur diri, secara senyap-senyap...
Kerana sesungguhnya saya tidak mahu pergi dengan linangan air mata...
To all, it's a fantastic ten months with you all.
7, in memory. I will miss you. take good care of yourself. I shall visit you one day, if I am given the chance by that fella...
