蓝天白云下

Sunshine ^^ Rainbow ^^ Aurora ~

Life, moves on :)

Monday 28 February 2011

麻烦

原来。。。

我就是真的一句话也不想说
最后逼于无奈,说了,还差点要讨回一肚子气。。。

家里很多事,我以为已没有次序之分。
(家?)
今天来和我说洗衣的次序。
说前请别忘记,那天是谁没等次序又洗衣的?
一听,有些无奈。

原来。。。
有些是,不是天经地义的。
生活中,请问有多少个“必须”?

生活在同一屋檐下,就要相处了。
生活中的麻烦不少,你这一刻会说:‘这,真麻烦。。。为什么是我?"
但可否曾经想过,难道别人就没有这样的麻烦?
难道别人是故意难道你的?还是真的必须这样做?
若能把一些要求、请求、哀求,以另一角度看待,就不叫麻烦了。

父母养孩子,是因为爱。
孩子孝顺父母,是百德孝为先,天经地义。
老师肯愿意免费给学生补习,是因为关心。
我们愿意帮路边的老奶奶,是因为怜悯。
当看到蝴蝶差点溺毙,待它走,帮他放生,是因为爱护。
当朋友愿意解决你的功课难题,是因为无价的友情。

过去仅仅在意生活为何要找麻烦上门?
想久了,虽会哀怨,但也慢慢的,循序渐静的,接受了。
而最近能帮一些朋友、同学、同乡解决难题,我,很满足=)

不久还要看医生,喉咙痛、伤风、而皮肤,有了些许的恶化形像。
过去会说,怎么是这样?
但现在只敢说,还好没搞到见不得人!

而今天,第二次的偏头痛。
老实说,一直以来,活了这么久,真的是只有头晕,没有头痛的。
而现在,上帝果然要我什么都尝试,头痛(tension type headache / migraine),什么都来了。
更绝的是。在厕所拉出鼻涕时,还会trigger到头痛,真是’万幸‘!
怪自己太迟睡。。。

我突然,只想呐喊。
我清清楚楚地看着家里每个人的贡献。
谁尽责,谁敷衍,我看在眼里,但碍于一些客观的原因,就觉得,嗯。。。
我不曾出口感谢,不代表我不感恩。
(用心完成任务的,只想珍重和你说一声:Kam sia!)

反正当初的诚实,还有多少份价值?还有多少人珍惜?
我不想在再成为众矢之的。。。

等下还要扫地,不是麻烦,是任务。
等下还要温习,不是麻烦,是职责。
等下还要睡觉,不是麻烦,是享受!


-心平气和-

Sunday 27 February 2011

If time can fly back

Down again.

I wanna shout, yet...

Why everyone is running away? Why?

:'(

If I know earlier, I wish I will be more selfish...

Indeed, no body is gonna appreciate when you are being kind and considerate.

Especially when the whole world is only consists of you, and you, and just only you.

对方辩友-你该知道了=)





Suddenly.
A terrible thinking attacks me last night.
I was horrified.

Yesterday
Travel around Bath
Outing with a not-so-close friend

Find houses
From Southdown to Coronation Avenue to Bearflat
And back to the familiar Herbert Road again

Still, a moment to forget
Still, thinking sometimes

Out of sudden
I hope to get anterograde amnesia
Yet, life is never too easy

Everything, sounds too late now

And this is partially the conversation with a Sabah friend yesterday =)

J:
我的处境,我自己也很难说了。
真的,有时,生活什么阻碍都找上头来。
和朋友闹翻脸、遭朋友疏远。。。
现在也算被逼搬出去,还有几个月就要搬了。。。屋子还未找到。。。
所以有时很想责怪全世界。。。
为什么,是我?
但想回来,还是解决眼前的问题要紧啊。
我现在的一切,就当作是成长的考验、过去罪恶的惩罚、前世欠他们的偿还吧=)
X:
我现在面对的是因为自己身在高职~
下属不给予合作,我则把工作扛上身~
结果,却在公众网页写一些负面的文字~
考试第一名,有头脑,没品德。。是他们给我评语。


J:
那你真是太好心了,也太冤枉了。


至于说你闲话的人
就让他们吧
总值世界上,没有一个人可以让其他人100%满意的。



我很明白,只因为,我在这里,什么都试过了。
我很尽力,但最后,我得不到认同,还要接受别人的白眼。

最后当我寻求他们的支持
才发觉,我们的距离,已经太远了
他们只说,是你不肯花时间和我们在一起
现在跟他们觉得有些隔膜了



我只能感叹,生活果然不是十全十美
我接受现在偶尔的落寞
我尝试享受一个人静静坐式的宁静与满足感
看着他们有时高谈阔论,谈笑风生
我偶尔尝试穿插其中
但我的话是透明的
我的行动是可有可无的(没人理睬...)
最后我不想再勉强自己,勉强别人去接受我
一切都是缘分吧

接受残酷的事实
需要一段时间的消耗
Take your time
尤其是对你很新颖的观念与作风
喜欢也好,讨厌也罢
来了,就要面对
既来之,则安之



我只能说,人是合群的动物
珍惜现在能和你同生共死的好友
别像我一样,落个没有固定好友的下场。
真的,我很不想别人,也像我一样=)



总之我的重点是
不是每一句话都是顺耳的
不是每句话都要在意的
若路边的野狗咬着你
你不回掉转头咬会它吧?

那些跟你过意不去的
就随他们吧
我相信上帝是很公平的
若他们的做法有错
迟早会有报应的

而这是,上帝的决定


X:
我朋友认为他们俩的评击太过分,就帮说了两句话反驳。。结果也招来轰炸。
我真的非常感谢那位朋友,但却觉得不应该让她也卷入这不和平的氛围里。


我受不了他人的脸色,我会把一切工作扛上身,导致自己喘不过气来。
累了不用紧。。最后被他人反咬一口,才是痛心。
我选择沉默,不是因为我吵不过她们~而是我不想作出一个老师不应该做的事情。

要理论,我想我可以比他们更有理。。要争吵,我想我可以比他们更凶。。
但是,我不想一些不雅的言语从我口中说出来。


J:
我有时也很想不讲理的,什么都说。
其实也许像我有些朋友更好,要说什么说什么,人生、心里就没有负担。


但若能把没有的硬硬说成有的。。。
我,接受不了
原来,人是可以这么恐怖的
最后,我也累了。



所以和你一样,从此我一句话再也不说。
我很在意,我很辛苦,但若我配合
我们的仗会永远打不完
而大家会痛苦下去
所以,你做得,没错=)
最后总要有一个人让步=)



不管怎样,你,尽了力,已经做得很好=)


X:
言语是世界上最有影响力的,赞美的话不多说不用紧,
永远记得,贬低他人的话千万别说。

加上我自己是完美主义者,更希望一切都没有瑕疵。让自己很辛苦。。。


J:
就让我们一起加油吧!
今天的话让我感触良多,一些会上我得blog,请别见怪!



X:
不会~~~
那是我的荣幸~~
要多笑~~~要让自己快乐起来。这是我的约定!





康祥安琪成福
我们都要幸福

请帮我照顾爸妈

远方的你,听到了吗?




Friday 25 February 2011

After C

Is at the library now.

So it's stages of Sorrow, Grief, Resignation (Goodbye) and maybe, resolving.

Whatever, just finding house is already causing a big head to me...

And gone swimming today. Apparently skin condition is getting nowhere better, as explained by Kenny...
This is the consequence of partial compliance. Surely scolded by Mr. GP when we meet soon...

And now I even start to have sore throat. Kenny said it's due to insufficient sleep, which is partially true. And I think I will get worse perhaps? Very soon...Blocked nose, cold...

I can;t imagine how many more medications to take. Is this just would never end? Why everything, physically, emotionally, socially? Why?

I still got a circle of friends that I can depend sometimes, yet, life is cruel sometimes, you know.

I do appreciate
I do be grateful
Yet I do have to be mindful too.

My third house, when I am gonna get you? Sighhhhhhh...

And when the sea breeze blew again, in my dream...I am reminded of Kota Kinabalu, Kuala Perlis, Penang, Miri, Barcelona...till I slept, in my dream...

Thursday 24 February 2011

Diary after Dispensing

今天是配药考试过后的大好日子!心情很雀跃!哈哈~

是的,虽知道考试时犯了一些小错误,但考完试的喜悦仍胜过那份愁云惨雾!恭喜自己!

今日,是有史以来最早到家的第一次。卓依问我:要回了吗?我想:好吧!

路上,也卓依讨论一些生活琐事。好久好久没这么轻松了,原来,人果然都是要讲话的。。。

更感谢着意愿意和我分享他的Julie饼干!花生cream的!实在很高兴!好久好久没吃到这么熟悉的味道了!我还想起中学时,妈最喜欢吃这种饼干了!所以她可以反对我们吃零食,但却对我们的Julie饼干不设防!双种标准!

看着手里的饼干,圆圆的,想起团圆,但原来,这也许是很奢望吧。。。
只因为,我明年就要离开了。我,甘愿离开,被逼离开,不想离开,不得不离开。。。
然后就真正要开始一个人的生涯了。。。

我很不想,但我更明白为了公平起见,大家,没有选择。
我不知我以后是否会更好的过日子,还是会更痛苦的过日子。
我对自己的能力,有所保留,有所质疑。。。
是的,只觉得,自己的能力,到什么程度?我,有时,很没有信心。。。

隐隐约约中,因为那莫名其妙的恐惧感,我已经太久,故意无意,疏远很多人。
只因为,相待在一起,原来更是一份痛苦的折磨。
我为和好的希望不知给骗了多少次,心碎了多少次。。。
所以,看到身影,就不敢再走近。
我宁愿将自己锁在一份寂寞的世界里,也不敢再面对。。。
最后,我phobia够了,是时候了。。。

路,从来不好走。。。
路上的我,受尽失望、绝望、自责的折磨。。。
快乐的时光不多。。。
但就靠着那几分微薄的快乐,我才有勇气走下去=)

我更发觉
自己的存在,也许是负担,也许是多余。
有时,很想和谁说话,但最后,更发觉,再也没人愿意细心聆听。
有时,还能接受,有时,会很气馁。
也许过去的罪恶实在太大,无可原谅吧。。。

而我从此也不愿再多说什么
更不想什么都说
不是因为我有太多的秘密
而是别人没有多少的空闲时间
最后我也丧失说太多话的勇气

至少真的路逢绝路时
看到那过街的朋友,愿意停下,慢慢聆听
我,比谁都要感激。

而我更要再次感谢卓依和Kenny
他们的提醒,让我明白
至少,我没有作一份会让我后悔至少一年的决定。
果然,生活不能太随便。
果然,别再为自己找借口,应该明白自己的理由。
虽然现在的情况有些不乐观
至少我知道
我没有选错
虽然还要在流浪一段日子
但我,真的真地,轻松多了。

而也感谢KennyNo.2 的体贴
至少愿意为我keep着那间房间
但我终于明白
我,不想要
所以,即使前路迷茫
我还是退却了
我珍惜的,是肯善意帮我的
我感激地,是肯仍有时想起我的

今天,还跟一位老朋友联络
说了好久,笑了好久
感谢你=)
很快的,又要见面了。
我,很期待=)

然后就在一些朋友的陪伴下,游RomanBath
今晚那儿有所谓的食物节
夜晚的风光,还蛮明媚。
夜晚的巴斯,虽沧桑但不孤单,虽暗淡但不丧失风采。

和194慢慢走着
我寻回enjoy走夜街的奥妙
然后还和他到sainsbury扫货!
高人指点,有些奇形怪状的饼干,大马未必找得到!
但同时,我想起我的家人。
他们可能缺少这些物资的享受。
但他们精神上的互相扶助,将是维持家里的红绳。
有些思念,但惯了,也不再怎样。

隐隐约约,还想起SR,想起豆腐花妹。
好久好久了。。。
有时想打一份信息,打好了,最后,按的却是delete.
也许,已经没有了当初那份纯真的动力。

人长大了,可喜,但我的想法,可悲。

然后有时,看到即将继承我的房间的人。
她问我,东西可以放你们那边吗?
我心里明白,有家却要把东西到处乱放的悲哀。
感受过这样的苦楚,很想答应,但想起自己的情况也还不稳定。
抱歉,我的半同乡,我,有心无力。

仍要寻找
上帝呀
难道,磨练的,还不够吗?
一份挑战,再来,再来。。。是铁人,也会垮的!

最后送上一支最近在我脑海里荡漾的一首歌。。。

‘你是我的幸福吗?’









草草的日记

今日制作一份草草的报告。
详情,以后也许会写吧。

今日事了有史以来最严重的偏头痛。
不再是普通的头晕。
再来是胃痛。
也不奇怪,反正整日只有几分饼干下肚。

原来,日子真的可以很忙。
原来,有太多借口。

而明天还要配药。
今日却讽刺性的,要要忙着找屋子。

有些疲倦。
但不能再说了。

只因为,我还有一份人情要尽快还。

只能感叹,为何,为何?

Tuesday 22 February 2011

21022011 - 阴天的日记

写下这份心情有史以来最沉重的日记。。。

今天的心情,就像第一年的第一学期,很在意的那第一次。。。

今早上课时,就已经有anxiety disorder了。

而后来就是上这堂课,总觉得讲师的字字句句,都深深烙印进我的心里,久久不去。。。

当然就不是专注的好日子了。。。

只怪我太迟作决定,现在要变成众矢之的。。。

但能决心下一份决定,认真地,更沉重,另一方面,却明白,原来这就是我最想要的。

让我明了的朋友们,谢谢。

但,又是我的错吧?我很自责,整天都笼罩在乌云密布之中,久久不能释怀。。。

我,真的很累。。。真地有如行尸走肉一样。。。

而昨晚想了很多很多。。。

故意远离,难道自己的心里就会很快乐?
谁都明白,心里照样难受,照样自责。。。
但我不再敢面对任何直接性的言语。。。
上次从牛津回来的最后一次,一切都已够了。。。
从此远远的看到身影,也不敢再走近。
果然坏人不好当
要接受良心的自责
而这种折磨实在是世上最痛苦的一种
只想怡然自得的过日子。。。
也许,只是一份奢望。。。

Obviously, I won't do it without a reason / reasons
Obviously, I won;t take the present step if there is a better pathway
Obviously, I had tried thousand attempts to restore it, and it failed thousand times as well
Obviously, is it a moment for me to stop daydreaming and stop being disappointed?
Obviously, I still a normal human with mixed feelings, I still moved by words and emotions. I still remembered too many good/bad time at the past. And I hate myself so much for not being able to forget all that.
Obviously, how many people try to understand at the end? Yet at the same time I realised just we will never totally understand other people. I am not hoping to be understood now. That's just another helpless hope really. So I tried to switch to something else. With the tiny hope to really move on.
Obviously, may be I still fail sometime. May be I just never make a wise choice. May be this is just another cycle of non-stop 'positive' feedback, yet in a sense of enhancing negative emotion...

这不知是什么名堂的phobia
但我无力再挑战自己

有时感到异常无助
会帮的,我,看着电话,已有心无力
期望会帮的,最后,果然,就是不在,就是太忙
连我,也不再太敢高攀。

当初我决定离开
已经是一份严峻的考验
而现在就有如煌煌不可终日的处境,老是进退两难。
恐怕今后的日子。。。

有时我问自己,问上帝:
若是给我的考验,是不是也该够了?
是的,活似折磨,我只恨自己。
恨自己不够自私
恨自己该硬时太软弱
恨自己会恨自己

来到英国后,只有一个月是真正的快乐。。。
我找不到放弃的理由。
但旁人的冷眼旁观,不闻不问。。。
我有时会对自己说:不要紧。。。
但,句号在哪里?

而现在的另一问题也还没真正解决
你歹死,你活该。。。
好吧,反正,我已经无语。。。

一举一动看在眼里,受在心里。
但再也说不出一个字来。
我不想在Shaftesbury Road迷茫的走下去。。。

而明天Herbert Road 的早晨
将是另一天 =)
晴天阴天下雨天
天天好天
笑容挂上脸
一切已明了,只能放在心里面=)



Monday 21 February 2011

眼泪的代价

终于摊牌了。
果然火山爆发。
但同时,我虽很自责,但也瞬间放下心头大石。

以后
是四个人也好
是一个人也好
我也会继续走下去

瞬间的轻松
但原来路还很长
我看不到尽头
也许以后的路会很难很难走
但,路,得走下去吧?

这就是,眼泪的代价=)

Sunday 20 February 2011

带走一片云彩

在意。
已经好久了。。。
也许会有人说,为何还要对那笔小钱斤斤计较?

是的。
只因为个人的不同。

但你不曾住进我的鞋中
你不会知道
十个人挤一间小房子的滋味
看着弟弟们必须睡客厅,我比谁都心疼
看着他们的争气,我觉得,他们deserve更好的
看着老豆不争气,屡劝不听
看着妈妈的含辛茹苦,熬到什么病都来了
她口口声声说,家里行的,行的。

你骗得了全世界,甚至自己,也骗不了我。
只因为,你是我妈,那是我家,我怎会不知道?

所以,我踏不出下一步。

我恨自己,我恨别人,我只觉得helpless。
什么都试过了,全部是末路。
所以我没有办法,只因为,那一切已不值得。

很多人说,我的部落格,不易明白。

我的私人日记,多多少少,有我的暗号。

我很抱歉,但就像说过的,有好多好多事,就是怎样也说不出来。

巴斯今天的天气
阴阴的
虽没有明媚的阳光
但也不至于狂风暴雨

静静的
我走了

Lonely Saturday

Ever feel lonely even in a crowd of people, noisily chatting around you?
And yet you feel so alone..


The noisy and happy chatter is just a background music, insignificant and has no effect on you.

Walking in a sea of people, surrounded by people who are rushing around for daily routine and yet the only thing you can feel is yourself alone.

Studying in a classroom full of chatter-box like students and yet the only thing you can feel is yourself alone.

Taking away from a restaurant filled with customers happily enjoying their meal and yet the only thing you can feel is yourself alone.

Shopping along the thronged Oxford Street nd yet the only thing you can feel is yourself alone.



(Extracted from http://aylwin0201.blogspot.com/2011/02/loneliness.html)


Aylwin No.2...


Loneliness is not to be blamed.
Different people, different fate.
I only can say that, it is destined.


Some say you yourself deserve it, you never try to spend any time with us.


That sounds so true.


I tried to speak out, yet I feel that my words are transparent, and has low desible.


I tried to do something, yet I feel that my presence/absence, has been so insignificant.


In the end, perhaps it's time to stop, I just don;t wanna put another false hope again.


I will do what I feel I need to / should do, silently, now.


To be away from everyone, maybe it's a punishment, maybe it's a reward.


I have to admit that, concern and nice chat with others never let me down. I appreciate, and cherish every such single moment.


I definitely will miss my friendly session at Kitchen and Room (s)  of 7, Herbert Road, Bath, Avon.


It seems not far now, just about 5.5 months left.


Yet sometimes a crowd makes me headache.


I still am a normal human, with mixed feelings, and may be even with more sensitive emotion than others.


Finally I find no strength to force myself to be sociable or be in a particular group.
As I realise I don;t really feel attached to any special group at the end.
And there is some limitations really, I am sorry for not being able to shout it out here.


Apparently I have limit my own happiness due to some never solved problems/people/etc.


Walking quietly downhill from Costwold Road, Hillside, Faukland, St. Kilda, and finally, is the familiar Herbert Road.


Is where all my sense of familiarity and home, re-found.


I wish I am more selfish, more cruel, more inhumane, more irrational...


Never a person is useless on Earth. 天生我材必有用。I always believe that.
Yet sometimes there's moment people keep exerting their own believe on you.
In short, they try to judge every your own action, in their eye.
So a good action may yield bad result, and vice versa.


Someone has to start it, or it just will never end.
I just don;t want to put any hope anymore.
I may watch silently from the back stage.
And that's everything I can do.
I don;t want to let my tears roll down again, fiercely.


So I choose this path.
Which seems to be more welcoming.
There's still suffering.
My internal instinct still torture me, although I have taken the extreme pathway.


I just cannot anymore, please forgive me.


Yet, why me?



Friday 18 February 2011

夜-很凉、很静

元宵节就这样静悄悄的过了。

当初还在想要不要将墙上的农历新年饰物都扫个一干二净。

转眼间,全部都已安然得躺在厨房的三夹板上。

我惊讶之余,无语。

果然有很多事,我安排,犹豫着,想着。。。

结果一切,已经是冥冥中的注定。。。想要自己决定也已不行。

累了。。。

最后仍想向Jane说一声:谢谢!你真的很棒!

就像你每次赞我一样=)

看着后窗,时间是凌晨三时,惨淡的月光下,就是笼罩着的黑暗,伸手不见五指。

夜,很凉。

夜,很静。

夜,很希望你别走。

只因为,隐隐约约的,只想好好睡一觉,不想再遇到白天。

Wednesday 16 February 2011

Just hope to get better

Blogging at library now.

With a hope that I will get better, very soon.

I realised that I have trapped myself in a cycle of negative thinking, especially at this afternoon.

I wanna speak out so loud because of it. Yet I am really tired now...
Yes, a major issue, finding house, for next semester.
I don;t know why I am fated to find my houses, always at the busy dispensing week.
Last week, and now, next week.
I am just so tired because of that.
I know even if I cry, SMW or NJH or DJT will not pay a single pity to me.
I know that. Because we are professional pharmacists.

YET, I mean, why me?

The circle of problem just seems never end.
I thought that I am getting better, real better.
Perhaps, I am not.
Perhaps, I have given myself too much space to relax.

I really tried to keep everything to myself.
I just don;t want to trouble anyone anymore, yeah, NOT EVEN A SINGLE ONE.
I mean, not everything is mentionable.
I mean, it;s still the problem after coming back.
So, what;s the point?

I browse through the handphone just now for sometime...
My priority list, my non-priority list...
All those familiar names...
Finally, I clicked 'close' for all the contacts.
Perhaps, fed up.
Perhaps, give up.

I may miss my family.
I may miss my hometown.
Yet I know life has to go on here.

I pray for another better second.
I just don;t want to force myself anymore.
Forcing remind me of everything.

I wish to be don;t care of everything.
I wish I am blind, deaf, unsensitive, of all THOSE.
Yet I know, that is impossible.
Again, why me?

I can't blame God for what has happened really.
I mean, it;s my fault, not hims.

Just that I have some confusion of the next step that I should take.
I remembered my family economic burden, and now I realised that I am not helpful at all.
With these stupid stuff, everything may get worse.
I know, I am not the only one that really 'kena'.
I should be grateful.
Yet when I think of that extra 400-500pounds, my heart sank, to the bottom.

I am not blaming myself.
I am not blaming God.
I am not blaming my friends.
Then what's the problem?
I wish I am not lying to myself again.
I know that I am not, don;t I?


Stupido!!!
I told you, zai zuan niu jiao jian.
Sure die one!

Well...
Yeah...

Thanks to RAY for the short talk.
Thanks to Yean for the missed calls.
And just thanks to Molly, Pearce, Dan and Laura, for making up my day.
It;s just a short formal moment.
Yet perhaps that;s what is more than enough, for the sunshine. =)



Many random thoughts, recently

This week is not a dispensing week for me.
Sounds lucky, less stressful.
Yet I will say that, dispensing week is a week that should be well prepared.
Hmm...well...

Have been carrying out Tour Guide job for a while.
And I achieve a fee of satisfaction from it.
Guiding the least no. of students in my life - 2!
Misha and Andrew, hi there...
Misha is taking Latin now, a lot translation, and she said it is an interesting language...
Well, never think of Latin...
An 'old' language, still used in Vatican City, Rome (Italy) and somewhere else...

Random thoughts are attacking me again.
Sometimes feel quite horrible because of it.
I will say that if you never face it, then it is not understandable.
The problem is it is not only the memory, the thoughts, it's even the feeling...
Perhaps when get used to it, everything will be much better, desensitised?

No hope, no disappointment.
So pessimistic.
Yet cruel to say, so true.
Some say, opportunity will come when you dare to take the challenge.
I will say then, perhaps I am not prepared for the challenge anyway.
I just wanna lead a relatively simple life now, that's all.

One of the random thought when taking bath just now.
Ang Ang disappeared for half day when he's in Year 5 or 6, I suppose.
And I remembered that mum had to ring her friend to find him...
Of course actually, he was safe.
Yet I remembered the intense worry of mummy on that day.
Until she cried...
I don;t know what;s the significance to remember this.
Yet I know that, she loves us, always.

Another random thought.
Dad seldom at home when we're young.
Ok actually now also he also still seldom at home, but there was some improvement.
So basically out thinking was shaped by our dear mum.
And again, due to some family mitigating circumstances, I thought I was part of a drama when I was in Year Four.
The scene was just like what we watched in Hong Kong Drama.
I won;t say what it was anyway.
In short, only now I realised that it was not a burden that should be carried by a 10-year-old boy.
And mum was perhaps inexperienced to face that new situation at that time, anyway.
Who never do even a single mistake? We are just normal human beings, anyway...

It's an altered biological clock again.
Own fault really.
Sometimes find it's hard to sleep even if at bed at 2am.
And the good news is, after reading for a while, I don;t have to count the sheep in order to sleep!
Well, is that a good or bad thing?
I am reminded of benzodiazepines, bind at modulatory site of GABA(A) ligand gated ion channel.
Temazepam, nitrazepam, XXXzepam...well...

Thousand of random thoughts really!
Birthday...
Syampoo...
Natural products...
Microbiology practicals...
Houses...
French Class...
Sacrifice?

Still a guy with 喜怒哀乐。
I still know what is crying, yet I won't challenge myself for it.
As I know I may won't even be able to cry...
Or I may cry till tears never stop to dry...

And perhaps, just leave me alone.



Hasta la vista!

Del sueño!

Sunday 13 February 2011

平静的星期日

平静的星期日
昨晚好迟才睡
所以今天也没很早起身
一日之计在于晨
有行不通了
再这样下去,不但自责,一定会给亲爱的阿姨骂个半死

所以今天也蛮无所事事的
温习一下罗
是的,怎样都要做些事情

隐隐约约的
几乎两个星期了
原来,有些事情,真的是能做到
我知道自己还没做到最好
但能达上此地步,算不错吧?

日子,伤心开心,得照过
世界上的人多得很
别把自己的世界所得紧紧的
别让自己窒息
每个人都有快乐和幸福的权利
我不知何别人说了这几句话多少次
最后有些朋友也真的开朗起来
我,当然欣慰
隐隐约约,告诉自己也一定要幸福、快乐
但天生悲观的我,是否真能到达此境界呢?

至少部落格就是我的心情日记
上个星期,蛮忙,,连写部落格的心,也不再热烈
敬荟对我说过,这样我就能观察自己的成长
也许是吧。

有些真相,不知更好
对当事人,也许会好一点
隐隐约约的,我越来越想离开这份家
能看到室友们真切的笑容,多多少少,是我的精神支柱
但多是的冷漠与无奈,我消受不了
我的curiosity仍让我折磨
所以有时我很想不停不看不闻不问
是的,很不想再理
但,最后,种种冥冥中的安排
我,做不到

已经很久让这份部落格编成抒情文
我好想,好想,让这份模拟却真切的世界,换成一片片的叙事文
但每每下笔,最后仍做不到
心事太多,多愁善感,悲哉!

想法太乱 幻觉太多    
疑虑很大 直到说不清楚   
心算太慢 但仍然算
 错 
找对人 偏错过  


。。。


想法太乱 直觉对么    
疑虑很大 直到爱不清楚   
当这世上 全怀疑我错 

总有人 相信我   




***


Ibuprofen doesn;t seems to really work.
It's time to convert to something else then, soon.


***


药剂系的世界果然神奇
行差踏错的进入这份世界
明知自己讨厌实验
但最后,冥冥中注定下
不是梦寐已久的教师
不是很有兴趣的会计师
而是配药配到傻的药剂师


而身在英国,更看到了和马来西亚的天渊之别
世界一流的教育系统
宝贵的生活体验
而巴斯大学的药剂系
与其它英国大学相比
实在很棒


系统化的教育制度由浅入深
不该背得都被简约化了
而且module上的时间与材料分配也非常周到
务必让我们觉得值得去了解,并有足够的时间吸收


For example: We're exposed to the concept of linear pharmacokinetics since 1st year。
And we're taught about a deeper version of second compartment in 2nd year now。
And we'll enter Integration of Pharmacokinetics next year。


This structure, I will say, is very systematic and easily understandable。


I know some of my friend is taught about it in one shot in module!
CONFUSING!!!


Then some of them even have physiology, pharmacology, anatomy and microbiology combined in a single paper. Siao meH??? That's really torturing students' life!
So yeah, I should be more than grateful.


***


明天又要上课了
突然觉得,静静地,坐在一个角落里
有些孤单,有些沧桑,
但也伴着一种奇妙的宁静


只因为何朋友在一起久了
突然发觉,实在再也没有话题
也许做人做到很失败
而且呆久了,偏头痛,什么都来了
这不是他们的错
是的,也许,是我的错吧。


但同时开始看到一些仍能信任的朋友
果然一切就是冥冥中的注定
当初冷战的对象,竟是现任的好朋友。
当初出生入死的朋友,现如同陌生。
当初不放在心上的朋友,现竟是其中一个精神上的支柱。


冥冥中
果然
我双手合十
静静的、诚心的
只望明天更美好


















Saturday 12 February 2011

Totally Random

平静的星期六。

静静的过自己的生活。

在意,失意,感激,接受。。。

慢慢的。。。

最后,走了。

只因为,也许这是最后一次。

踏不出的下一步。。。

有时积极面对
有时冷酷,装模作样
有时刻意逃避
活出自己,似乎不行
装模作样,也是不行
有时刻意伤害别人
以为恨了,气了,就能忘了。。。
然,错了。。。
没有一个是真正的避风的港湾
何时能看到尽头?
累了。。。很累很累。。。

这是一个圆圈
我看不到未来
不想再打转着
却仍在打转着

很想把一切都说出来
但原来好多事都不能说出来
很想离开
却怕依依不舍
很想留下
却知道:留下再也不可能
终于:迷茫的:问自己:
为何离开的,是我?

有人说:哭不出眼泪的人,假惺惺
余老师以前说时,我不能理解
现在终于理解
最伤心的人
不是哭得稀里哗啦的人
而是伤心到在也哭不出泪的人
以前伤心还能哭一下,然后就会好转
现在想哭也再哭不出来
只因失去了流泪的勇气

Week 19: Pharmacist on Polypharmacy

It has been a long time since i never update my blog.

Anyone miss me?

I just wanna do some quick shouts here. Making a brief summary for the whole week, I suppose?

Week19 is the official week of second semester. And I have even started my first dispensing. Life is busy yet I find it very meaningful.

Wednesday: 
House hunting started for everyone! Everyone is eager about it! Well, and finally when I heard that Kenny and 194 have got nice housemates and nice house, I don;t really feel anything. Yet I know that at least they have found somewhere anyway, which is great, as I know it's partially my fault that have cause the whole splitting.

Went for the French class. Get to know some new people. and I have to carry materials for 5 extra people in the end, which sounds quite heavy. I still remember Ms. Cecile's funny face when counting the papers: un(e), deux, trois, quatre, cinq...and end with: these lazy people.

She's very nice lecturer. I just don;t really wanna let her down.

Thursday:
Tour guiding today. And initially supposed I am paired up with someone yet turned down later.
Yet don;t really nothing at the end. I suppose it's because much thing is ignorable now.
I even get to know a guy from Edinburgh during lunch time. He's very brave to come to Bath on its own! A nice, shy Chinese guy...well...
And I have to send the students and parents back to 7W2.6 Building this time, It's great to see these concerning faces of the parents really. Who don;t love their own son/daughter? I am sure every dad/mum wanna the best for their son/daughter.

Then is the great dispensing class. Make few errors and get a great lesson from it.
Finally I feel that I am really doing pharmacist's jobs now. The SOPs are really distressing but I suppose that's our obligations anyway.
Remember that POM medicines on NHS DO NOT have to be written in POM book, as it is sent to PPD /NHSBSA anyway.
And I start to blame and apreciate Sandy Wood at the same time. She's really strict, yet I know she really want me to know why we have to change the frequency of oxytetracycline from 1qds to 2bd...
And thanks to Dr Wood again that really has proven me that my GP is doing the right thing when prescribe me with Erythromycin...

And end with Dr. Moss' lectures that bring me tour around the garden...well...

Then before I go out I have a great session with my apple lady.
Apparently she's in school debate team now.
English medium somemore, wowwwwww.....
She wants we to help her with 3 topics:
1. Being an all rounder is more important than excel in exam.
2. Sex education is the main key to prevent sexual immorality.
3. Social networking sites necessitate modern human interaction.

Then is the great lab coat pub tour night.
Apparently it's a night for those Year 4 students.
Very few Year 2 students show their face, and a real thanks to my collegue that accompany me last night!
Thanks Harriet for the great Beluchi's Cooler! (Right name? hope so...)
Thanks Kevin and Mira for pulling me into the dance pool!
Apparently I start to know why English loves to spend their time in the pubs/clubs...It's quite relaxing anyway...
And I start to learn something. Perhaps sometimes it's not others don;t want to be your friend, but vice versa?

And well, who cares if I go back at 12am or 1am or 2am, the lecture at the following morning is at 10.15am, anyway...

Friday:
Today we start another lecture on DNA cutting and pasting.
It's a revision of the A Level biology - last chapter (old syllabus) anyway.
Terms that we may have forgotten are staggered cut, restriction endonuclease (I said like this because if you realise they are not really in AB's lecture notes!)

And the we go to Fresher's Fair and we even end up with getting some condoms. I doubt I will use them anyway. Hahaha~
Then it's a small meeting with one of the tutor. Her smile is really promising. I may talk random things with her but what I value is not the usefulness of the content, yet is how actually some of the tutor can be so nice.
I still remembered one of my friend told me before that the lecturer may be pretending.
Well, that's sad then but s/he still doing a nice thing by pleasing his/her students. I believe that will bring positive impacts for their studies.
Plus, everyone will be tired of acting too much. Life is a drama indeed yet I know that naturality is the best policy.

Then I learnt that I even have to start ibuprofen now.
Yes, analgesic with anti-inflammatory effects, NSAID - Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.
I suddenly wondering why in my Uni. life I have to encounter so many medicines. Even more than when I was in my hometown...
I am really a 'great' pharmacist. I must be very empathetic with my patients as I have so many medications now. NOT really polypharmacy as I am not taking multiple medications at the same time.
I even thinking of getting some herbal sleeping pills yet again, perhaps I don't really need them.
Do I need to take all the of medications that I have learnt?
Hopefully, NOOOOOOO...
I write this now as I have to remind myself to get ibuprofen tomorrow.
And in this case paracetamol is not a good choice as what I really want is the anti-inflammatory effects.

Then is a short session of house hunting that is 'great'.
I am tired yet I learnt valuable lesson.
I start to know what I really want in my life, and I realise that I am leading my own direction.

I won;t describe how to get the thinking process.
Because anyway, perhaps it's the moment to rest the brain now.
I don;t want to get excitoxicity or neurodegeneration...

Close my eyes...

Hasta la vista!

Avoir a bon week-end!

Sunday 6 February 2011

天下没有不散的筵席 II (CNY Version)

终于,我向往的初三新年晚上,就来了,就走了。。。
看到能够和大家一起团聚,我,满心雀跃!感恩=)

今天,陪Manchunians走Bath时,昏昏沉沉的,很累很累。。。
要怪就怪自己睡太迟,醒太早。。。
但看到Manchunians那几个小瓜,尤其是GengWai和韵怡,心里,有种说不出的安慰,与感动。

沿街走着,重新以游客,而不是学生的角度,来欣赏这优美的巴斯城市。
感谢上帝。
起初我真的很想放弃,很不想走。
但最后,我还是打给卓依,知到他们在SallyLunn了,就和他们聚在一起了!
最后,我的阴霾,也得到些许的阳光照耀。

后来,看着他们慢慢的离去了。。。
是时候离开了。
团聚的时刻固然美好,但人生还是得面对现实。还是


然后很有缘的
竟遇到另外两个来巴斯又玩的大马学生!
一位还是来自曼彻斯特的!另一位在埃及念书。
她知道敬荟!
Madiha学姐,读医科的,你认识吗?
看到漫无目的的走,也怪可怜的。。。
最后带他们去游Pulteney Bridge and Sally Lunn!
助人为快乐之本嘛!

回家路上。。。
还是一样的小径。
还是一样的街道。
但却是一种恐惧感。
有时,有时,很不想回家。
但累了,就是要回巢了。千百年的定律,都是如此。

过后,Dudu还要特地打给我,“隆重”邀请我这王牌大老板去上桌!
OMG!
What de...太自恋了吧。。。
放心,我很醒目!

路上
漫漫的匍匐上着
那很熟悉的道路
当看到"HERBERT ROAD" 这个板时
心情跌至谷底
思绪,开始飘摇。。。
要走了。。。
为何?为何?为何?
只因,又是,生活,并没有another road to be taken.

然后就是梦寐已久的团圆饭!
火锅餐真棒!
我知道女孩子们,尤其,为了这一个晚上,下了不少功夫。
我不知该如何表达我的感激,但,谢谢。

然后就是skype with Mr.Tan 的时间
我应该很高兴
但当看到他慈祥的脸时
我不再觉得如此
我,很不明白。

很沉默。
也许我已忘了他。
也许我不再感激他。
但我记得他过去耐心教导我这问题学生似的情情景景。
它的物理课,生动活化,历历在目。
我不太喜欢物理,但他循循善诱,结果我也没令他失望,考了597/600!
我永不忘记他愿意为了我,腾出时间,载我去KL SENTRAL。。。
然后还帮我在回沙巴前,腾出的空间,也许那段时间,他的脚还缩了几个厘米。。。
也许只有他会默默的明白吧,也许。。。

最近觉得,有些难睡,睡了,又不愿意醒。
开始觉得,和那些曾经是如此亲密的人,越来越遥远。。。
陈小姐,收到你的新年信息,感谢你的祝福。
你是我唯一,从马来西亚,亲自SMS我的那位。。。
有些人越来越不明白我。
不能怪你们,我自己也越来越不明白自己。
陈先生,我隐隐约约仍感激你的大恩大德,恕我不会说话。
看起来冷漠的人,也许其实并不太冷漠。。。

最近我还收到一些信息。
我们很希望我们的对象被说服。
但若不能,只要尽力,就以该放下。
有些对,有些错,但其道理,有机可循。

最近的一篇文章告诉我:
(此篇文章原摘自英文,已经翻译,若有意义上的差别,请恕本人翻译上的不足之处)

爱,也许是通往快乐的步伐。
但爱不是快乐的一定原素
爱只应是快乐的辅助原素
让爱和被爱的人有适当的距离呼吸
别太过于依靠

今天看着韵怡的懵懂
被问一下,就在问旁人一下
“To confirm mah”
然后大家都笑了
真好
还记得有时,我也问了一些问题
看起来答案已很明显的问题
有时候,不是每个人都会领悟到
但我发觉我的问题是不可原谅的
“造作,虚伪,烦死人。。。”
好,以后,我不会出太多声音
虽已太迟,但...

就像那天我收到的official feedback:
Your behaviour?
"No-no?"
"Don't care?"
OR the nearest synonym
"Fed up"

敬荟和韵怡呀
(还有美琪,瑞珊,丽慧,婉慧)
感谢你们愿意和我拍照
让我留下一些被珍惜的些许感动
我不知明日能不能送你们一程
而且我知道,还有更好的人会目送你们
感谢你们的光顾
望以后再次来临!多多益善!


天下没有不散的筵席

最后送上“隔离七日情”的一句话:

Hasta la vista!






Friday 4 February 2011

Torsades de Pointes en Ce Moment

今天明威从伦敦来。我刚才在Sainsbury买鸡肉时,遇到他和令于。

看见他,依然如故的厨艺,依然如故的热情。

很想念在UCSI的点点滴滴。

然后我们又玩"玩人"的二十一点。

瑞珊和丽慧(hui),很快就中了。

然后我们又玩挑战记忆力的游戏。

从杨丞临到飞黄腾达。哈哈~

然,心情突然间跌到了谷底。

瞬间,很想哭,很想哭。

大家,很抱歉,我感谢你们的陪伴,让我开怀,有了一个很愉快的初二晚上。

我不想扫大家的兴,请好好玩吧=)

是的,还是在寻找我的道路。

我被告知,不应再花太多时间一人孤独。

但现实告诉我,我没有选择,一定要这样做吧?

而且,明年的路,应该就几乎是一人的路程了。

也许是时候早日适应了。

别再宠坏自己,够了。。。够了。。。真的是够了。。。


"Torsades de Pointes en Ce Moment" - Twisting point at that time


My life = fluctuating mathematical (e.g. sinus) graph  (=

Thursday 3 February 2011

春的故事:蓝天白云下

Move out. Then, move on.


今天的阳光,很漂亮。
春天,来了。
看着Kenny的房间,阳光四射,充满活力,心里也顿时活起来!


是的,只能终于了解,我的房间,没有一个正面的窗口。所以即使阳光四射,我的房间,还是被那些人造的橙光和白光占有了。


是时候了,很快的,要为自己,寻找一个新的窗口。


这是人生的一个转换则点。


每个人都关心,每个人都询问,然,最后的面对,还是由自己负责。


说起来,好像有些残酷。


一直以来向往着阳光,向往着一个和大自然近距离接触的空间与时间。


生长在根地咬,成长于吉隆坡,再继续成长于巴斯。


很碰巧的,都是城市,都是人口聚集地,都是没有海的内陆地带。


所以海,对我来说,很多余。


一直以来,只想近距离接触大自然。


没有了蓝蓝的大海,没有了青青的草地。
不要紧,我还有花草树木,而最重要的,是那一片蓝天白云。


与太阳和月亮相伴,与日月为伍,想起心中的日月。


有时幸运,就还能数星星、向流星许愿、欣赏彩虹或欧若拉的魅力。


人类永远的渺小,但蓝天白云是永远的伟大,永远无私的保护着人类,直到永远,永远。


所以:


蓝天白云下



人类来自于大自然
就要回归与大自然

原来生活,不需要太多
原来生活,就是如此简单


除夕夜感想

今年的新年,有史以来的特别。
第二次离开家里,在外地庆祝现年。

今天的除夕夜,就在汉朝解决了。
原因?女孩子说:“懒得煮。。。”
结果男子还是快过了女子,相差大约四五分钟吧。。。
果然真是”姗姗来迟“。。。

然后就这样回家了。
明天,或是说,今天(因为已过了十二点!)(兔子农历新年快乐!),
OK,今天,也就可能随便拜访几家吧。。。

回家的路上,不想再硬硬逼自己进入任何圈子。
只要心怡然自得,觉得过得去,就好了!

回来后,也开始实现新年前一直以来想做的事:

一个人喝闷酒。。。

是一个很奇怪的想法。
妈肯定是举双手双脚反对的那个。
读者们,好好心,别报告给我妈妈听!
是的,她很讨厌我们喝酒。。。

其实自己也很奇怪。
为何会有这样的想法?
但想来也没伤害,妨碍他人,所以就干脆做了。

写着这份部落格时,
已有明显的偏头痛。
哈,还好!还好!

绝对不会让自己酩酊大醉的!

再说:突然发觉,居然都放假了,也许不该把自己逼得太紧。。。
应该轻松地面对吧。。。

大家,谢谢你们,让我度过一个不孤单的除夕夜!
希望我们的新年,也会有些气氛!

To all my friends at 7, Herbert Road and 66, West Avenue, plus Kenny Lim, Allif, Tim Lim, Justin, Amanda, not forgetting other Bathnonians, friends, family...Have a great year ahead!

一年之计在于春!

兔子新年快乐!

Tuesday 1 February 2011

家-大扫除

大扫除。。。

今年,好像没有。。。

去年,驻在wolfson的我,理所当然,除了自己的房间整理一下,再也没有大扫除的必要。

今年,住进一个家,然,明天已是除夕夜。
还是没有。

我那天为了实现考试前的承诺
再加上为了给家里增添一些活力
决定亲自清除荒芜的花园
然后再做些饰品,摆上架!哈哈!好像新年了!

然后再来个清地板行动!
后来Jecerlyn也赞一下,地板好干净哦!

但家里依然是冷清
我好希望说:大家来个大扫除把!
但我已说不出口。
真的要做,早就做了。
大家真的都这么忙吗?

叹一下气。
就要走了。
果然失去的东西,才会倍感珍惜。
每每进厕所,就会想起,就要走了。
也许,是不舍。
也许,是留恋。

曾经,我曾经为了离开住了两年的G03,而在离别前抽泣。
曾经,我在离开wolfson  L4.02 前,拼命拍照,围绕四周。
只怕从此再也进不到那熟悉的门口。
以后,同样的事情,会再发生吗?

很想为住了一年的屋子,做些什么。
这,不是谁的错。
是我太感性。
是我想太多。

而他们也说,明天会打扫一下。
希望如此。

但我好希望大家明白

最重要的是:

这是我们的家啊

想起怎么爱故乡的家
就想怎么爱这里的家
毕竟这里就是温暖的安乐窝
是迷茫的船避风的港湾

我亲爱的家
只因这里存在着那最美好的曾经
也许以后看到别人来看屋子时
心会抽痛一下
也许以后将要离开时
前晚又是难眠的夜晚

吾爱吾家


新年的感言

这几天过着颓废的生活。
醒了看戏,吃饱饭,然后再睡觉。
当然包括上厕所,讲话(很少),上网。。。
放假时很悠闲
我应该很感恩
但现在觉得自己真是二十一世纪的公猪,懒得不行!
唉,不放假又累,放假又叹气。。。
你这王子也真是好难服侍。。。

隐隐约约知道新年就要来了
但潜意识却不再觉得高兴
考试前是万分的期待
为了即将来临的朋友团聚、亲人团聚、家人团聚
感到异常欢乐!


要新年了
家里还是冷清清的一片
有时还真是有些难受
我把饰品摆上架了。。。`
也作了些小扫除。。。
但看来只是做些样子实在不行。。。

也许最近太多事发生了吧
很不像除夕夜又是冷清清的渡过
大马的朋友,应该不太明我的感受

我想念和kakak在除夕夜一起熬夜炸虾饼的温情
每次都炸到六、七大桶!
然后第二天初一新年到是好要负责服侍客人
好像都是我在做工?
差不多啦,谁叫我的弟妹们都是好命水的王子和公主呢?
虽然会很累,但看到客人们、家人们高高兴兴吃虾饼时的笑容
心理会很欢乐

妈妈的朋友每次会在初一关顾我们的家
这是我不再家人身边的第二年
也不再觉得怎样
小舅今年也有和他的家人从美里过来
家里一定会很热闹

是的,突然觉得一切事都是衬托了我现在的冷清
会很难受吗?
其实也还好啦。
不至于想死掉。。。
LOL~
真的,其实上帝给我一些朋友一起庆祝这次的农历新年
我,心里已很感激。

反正现在也还有很多事要做
新年新希望
希望今年的学业(非血液!)一切顺顺利利

然后好友从四面八方回来探望我们的英国朋友
他们的来临,我满心雀跃
但居然是女孩子偏多。。。
算了啦,到时又是女孩子们叽叽喳喳,八卦八卦的黄金时刻!
然后我们男子有得在旁边眼睁睁看着他们。。。
几百年再次相遇,到时可能会三天两夜不睡觉。。。
誓言讲完到口水干涸!
没这么夸张啦。。。
cheh,女人的力量可不小,绝不能小看!
还有那天还有人誓言要来个世纪大作战!
要把某某人的床给塌了!
所谓,旧的不去,新的不来。。。
真是太。。。太“帅”了。。。
唉,所以女人的力量不可小看!切记切记!

就这样罗
大家,2011兔子新年快乐!

最后,给大家送上看不见的祝福!
祝你找得到!


新年快乐!
万事如意!