时间，会证明一切的

有人说：世上永远都是不公平的。

无可否认。

最近又在吵，这次是争辩公平的定义。

生活不是辩论，而我看着公平这两个字时，只能够微笑着。

因为我在当初也天真地相信，全部应该都是公平的。两人就是一人一半。。。等等。。。等等。。。

但我现在明了，知道，知晓：原来，生活不是永远1+1=2。。。有时是三，是十一，也可以是零。

过了太久，才明白，不是付出多少，就会得回多少。

像爱就是无以衡量的。每每会买些东西回去给弟妹。看着他们有时不屑的眼神，心里也能体会。只因为用心挑选的认识我，用时间的是我，他们不知我在过程的思想考量、挣扎，他们只看到一个最后的结局。而当他们看到时，他们还会问：为什么不是另一种颜色？等等，等等。。。

说出来，不是埋怨，不是要挖苦，只是想将内心的想法，说出来。

只因为我明了，这使得他们可能不屑一顾，但我也知道，是谁和我同一天生日，是谁愿意掏空自己的钱包帮我买电脑，是谁答应帮我学车。。。等等。。。一时的批评，不代表从来不爱过，不感激过。

而最近有人开始埋怨我的部落格，说我设这一专栏是专门对付我不爽的人。我只能说：我真的志在分享，而且从来不是没有底线，什么都说的。写时要想过。

我只能够说，上帝知道我写部落格的用意，有了这份小世界，虽是虚拟的，但不许面对太多人，对我这种内向的人来说，真是天赐的恩惠。

我知道我无法满足所有人。任何批评，我可以接受。但我很希望，批评也要合理，有礼，若只以偏概全，若是太偏激，太歪向一边，又欠对我的公平，恕我无评。

***

今天手微微颤抖着。。。

有些事，叫我死心，也许打死我也不能。

不是太固执，而是因为，我需要时间改变，接受。

以前以为不能做的事，现在，竟做到了。连自己，都觉得，不可思议。

原来这就是成长、经验、时间的力量。

是的，以前以为，自己一定放不下。但原来，有了爱的力量，有了时间的洗礼，有了体验的智慧，慢慢的，虽未能100%做到，但若开始给自己50%，我觉得OK！

***

最近被一件事困扰着。

似乎全世界都相对我说反话。

但我始终相信：我从来不愿分的！何时，分变得理所当然？

我，需要时间接受。。。

***
And a small incident today, make me re-think again of the value of human trust...

It's like my friend is demanding the notes that he borrowed me, before the dinner (may be at tea time like that). I had finished using his even earlier than that, so no problem for me, so I said: "OK."

Then later before my dinner time he visited to get back the room. I knew I got 2 questions to ask him, so I just responded, may be I'll go to your room and just return you at that time. Because I got questions to ask anyway...

"No need lah, ask now lah!..."

OK then, I am partially speechless, at that time.

When I asked him before, 'ohh, so rush. You wanna use it today? Because I know that the notes that I borrow cover the last part of our syllabus, anyway."

"Erm, not really, just wanna get it early, just in case..."

In my heart, OK, in case of what?

I can't promise anything yet I know that I myself never really procrastinating when returning stuff. I always rushed so that I can return it as soon as possible. I hate the feeling of owing something, very very much.

I thought everyone know my reputation as a notes borrower anyway. And the single incident today, is small, yet I suddenly feel that I am just be given too little trust. When I say I'll return it tonight, I'll.

Anyway, I have to realise, it's his notes, his autonomy, his power to demand. Yes, and I can't say no.

I know that I still have to respect other's rights and properties. Even in sorrow, anger, frustration, whatever.

"When you need something, you keep coming everyday until you get a stuff."

Sometimes seldom speak doesn;t mean he/she really sit on the fence. I usually thought so. Yet I realise that actually I may be wrong.

Even quiet people or people that don;t speak out at critical time, do have opinion actually. I don;t know why the opinion is kept safely in the cupboard. I don;t know. Again, it's another human value and nature, waiting too be discovered.

Finally I see the faces clearer.

Wicked smile, hmm hmm...

Sorry, I know my honesty this time may cause me in trouble again.
I'm not sure.

Yet I realise that some of us start to get stressed and confused with something at this exam period. It's human nature, anyway. I know whoever is sincere in delivering his messages. Yet sometimes the way is just too harsh, I can;t really accept it. Yet I know his intention, his words, his actions, are actually noble.

That's the value of objectivity that i always look for. Be objective, and honest, and truthful. It's hard even for myself to get it 100%. yet I thank God, to give me the eyes to see and observe, the mind to value and analyse, and the heart to feel and realise.

***

And when my petite little brother at Bath start to address us as brothers again, I realise, he may have re-discovered his courage. Yet again I think deeply, will we make it? Will us?

I just hope it's not another empty hope. It's not.

***

她问我：她的选择对吗？
从没看过他，不能评论他。

但我坚信一件事：
选了他，就是因为它可以给你快乐、安全、幸福。
所以何必还要傻乎乎的问人呢？

相信自己，给自己多一点信心，时间，会证明一切的。