Gift

It's a quiet afternoon yet I start to feel restless...

Constantly thinking too much, I am not sure, why???

And my random thoughts bring me back to the incident when I was prior to having Human Physiology paper at May/June last year (2010)...I used to study at kitchen at that time. Yeap, it's sounds bad as I occupy a public area for my own personal use. Usually I will quickly switch to my own room or another even less visited kitchen if I know my floormates are gonna use it.

Yet the night before the real exam. I start to feel so so restless. Just can;t stay in the kitchen anymore. so I run out, back to my room, it's just few steps distance anyway.

Yet I could listen to my coursemate sounds so clearly. Discussion about some MCQ questions, comparisons of answers. I was sure I was not wrong. and that's a very strange part, as I know we did not have any trial or model papers to try on.

So as usual, my curiosity is greatly agitated. i started to find whatever relevant in the library website. Any finally in the section of "Modern History" or something like that, I got a full set of 80 MCQs, nicely lied in front of me, and I was totally speechless at that time.

My emotion was so unstable at that time. And when I realise such an incident, from some friend that I thought i could trust, again, demolished without sympathy, just like that. It was a really a huge impact / 打击 on me. And I suddenly reminded of everything : "El desprecio".

Eventually I myself was stuck in a great dilemma. Should I distribute the paper to other friends, or should I keep it on my own, just like the other 2? I had no answer. I was just stuck there, struggle to make a decision.

In the end I received a phone call from a third friend, saying that he had just found out the paper as well and had distributed it. A huge relief to me, suddenly. I started to concentrate on the paper, with the determination that I would distribute my own answers for quick reference to everyone on the next morning.

And in the end i received a phone call from 3rd friend again, saying that first and second friend wanna join the answer discussion the next day, as well. Truthfully I was just so unhappy at that time. It was just too much for me, more selfish, more selfish, more selfish.

What I learnt was that sometimes things that you may think is so logic or important to you, may not be the same to others. Just from a single incident I saw the ugly face of selfish people. Suddenly a hatred grow so drastically inside me, till myself could not bear it.

Perhaps trust has a limit anyway. People is the one that create moral and he himself is the one that always ruin it. I know it's applicable to everyone anyway, including me.

So on the next few occassions I start to work very early on the pass papers as well and will distributed the answer to others, like for Pharmacology, Biopharmaceutics. Of course my own answer is not perfect. It really just meant to be a guide. I realised that, just give out like that, without thinking anything anymore, not even hope of any revenge or reward, will be the best outcome and ending for me, especially at that little moment.

And although I did have quarrel with one of the friend. My own natural distinct kept pushing me to help him. It rendered myself in great self-emotional-tortures and struggles sometimes. Yet if that's what God's will...I had no choices but to follow...

And now I still feel helpless sometimes for my next exams...Not to say that I have no confidence at all, yet I realise that I wanna more discussion, seeking some help from others, which is quite impossible, as everyone is just so busy now...and I just don;t really know how to start such seeking journey...I know everyone will progress very soon...And myself can only pray that I could work smoothly as well...

Yeah, God arrange a lot of limitations to me. Yet He arrange the resolution for me, as well, at the same time. To make me grow is not to hide me from any troubles, yet is to expose me to all sorts of troubles so that i know how to face in the future. Truthfully, i am grateful for that. And even to realise this simple fact is actually such a great gift from Him, too... :)

May myself and all beings be well, be happy...

Sadhu sadhu sadhu...