Just having a long chatter with the guys just now...For almost 1.5 hours!!! One of the unwise stuff to be done at this exam revision period...
Yet I enjoyed having long chatter with them. i know my guilty sense is killing me, yet at the same time, I just wanna embrace and appreciate every little nice moment with these lovely housemates.
Sometime I am so angry of them, or may be, some of them. Unavoidable, as we live together. Yet the word comes in: Tolerance, understanding, and that's how we try to cope, under the same roof.
Still remember that my birthday is celebrated at a lovely Thursday, and in the end, after everyone back to own house, at about 10.30pm like that, my housemates left me as well. Little bro seems wanna spend some time with me, yet the reality is cruel, They got an important essay to be summited at the next day.
So in the end I do spend my birthday, a little bit lonely, accompanied by books and assignments. I feel slightly disappointed. I told myself before the birthday, don;t put any huge hope, don;t. And in the end, I failed.
My housemates are nowhere to be blamed anyway. They have to summit the essay...And I do realised that, at least I got someone to celebrate my birthday in advance, real advance. Not everyone has this type of chance in their life. Some may spend birthday, very lonely. Some even worse, may not celebrate at all. Some may even too busy until have forgotten their birthday.
I only can blame myself to putting some hope although i remind myself not to do so beforehand. That's human nature. In the end i have to accept the reality that I can't lie to myself. My mind may be rational, yet at that little moment, emotion is still more powerful.
That;s why sometimes i do blamed myself when fall in such circumstance. I tell myself not to put hope, and in the end I still feel disappointed. Is that a clear indication that I am just not appreciative enough? Or I should always comfort myself that that is really just another part of human nature?
And now I start to be more rational, yet in the end I can;t deny that emotion is still driving me sometimes, which should not happen. Sometimes my feeling of guilty or fear or anxiety or anger or frustration, really driving me to almost the Porsades de Pointes - twisting point - of crazy...
I don;t know how to explain some of my real problems to anyone now. Because I realise I am overwhelmed by some problems that normal people won;t face. Sometimes I hate myself for being trapped into such problem. You will say that life is always giving us choice anyway, it's really you yourself that wanna torture yourself. Even when realising that fact, some of the problem still haunted me sometimes, and with those 'random trigger of memory', I will be dragged back to some very dark, sinister history that giving myself difficult time to cope with...
Random memory may not be faced anyone. Yet I realise nowadays I start to re-call back some very unrelated stuff at random time. Like my appreciation to my mum's friend for letting me using her credit card during USCI time, my phone calls to family almost everyday at UCSI time, the origin of my name since young age, Yun Yi's postcard from other side of England, etc etc....
Is that implying something that I should really know about myself, on the first place?
Sometimes I can only praying and constantly reminding myself to 'let it go' and force myself to divert the attention, or else I will always be overwhelmed by excessive grief and guilty. Others rarely realise it, which is great, as I don;t want to make them know or worry, anyway. I don;t feel Bathonians really care anyway...
In the end I see the whole as a process as self-healing. This is my problem. More or less, this is the consequences of my past actions, and so I have to face it. I have no chance to run away.
To escape or to face?
Well, I will FACE it.
That's why I need more individual time. I need some peace and space to listen to the inner whisper of my own heart. I wanna know what it really wants, as my mind is always confused, really =)
Perhaps my situation is really not to bad. At least God give me the chance to be aware of my existing problems. And He does assist me to think on how to solve it...
So maybe thats why I can't be furthermore greedy, anymore...
I really try my best not to hurt anyone, anymore, as I don't wanna hurt myself, again, as well.
My family, my friends...
I know you are kind enough to me...
The longer I live on this Earth, the better I know you...
And, perhaps, the more I love you...
Whenever I am 'hurt' by someone...
In the end I will sent another one to 'heal' the wound
And with the growing wisdom, I wish to 'help' others as well, sincerely.
As there's nothing more rewarding, than your smile, truthfully, sincerely, from the bottom of your heart =)
Yet I enjoyed having long chatter with them. i know my guilty sense is killing me, yet at the same time, I just wanna embrace and appreciate every little nice moment with these lovely housemates.
Sometime I am so angry of them, or may be, some of them. Unavoidable, as we live together. Yet the word comes in: Tolerance, understanding, and that's how we try to cope, under the same roof.
Still remember that my birthday is celebrated at a lovely Thursday, and in the end, after everyone back to own house, at about 10.30pm like that, my housemates left me as well. Little bro seems wanna spend some time with me, yet the reality is cruel, They got an important essay to be summited at the next day.
So in the end I do spend my birthday, a little bit lonely, accompanied by books and assignments. I feel slightly disappointed. I told myself before the birthday, don;t put any huge hope, don;t. And in the end, I failed.
My housemates are nowhere to be blamed anyway. They have to summit the essay...And I do realised that, at least I got someone to celebrate my birthday in advance, real advance. Not everyone has this type of chance in their life. Some may spend birthday, very lonely. Some even worse, may not celebrate at all. Some may even too busy until have forgotten their birthday.
I only can blame myself to putting some hope although i remind myself not to do so beforehand. That's human nature. In the end i have to accept the reality that I can't lie to myself. My mind may be rational, yet at that little moment, emotion is still more powerful.
That;s why sometimes i do blamed myself when fall in such circumstance. I tell myself not to put hope, and in the end I still feel disappointed. Is that a clear indication that I am just not appreciative enough? Or I should always comfort myself that that is really just another part of human nature?
And now I start to be more rational, yet in the end I can;t deny that emotion is still driving me sometimes, which should not happen. Sometimes my feeling of guilty or fear or anxiety or anger or frustration, really driving me to almost the Porsades de Pointes - twisting point - of crazy...
I don;t know how to explain some of my real problems to anyone now. Because I realise I am overwhelmed by some problems that normal people won;t face. Sometimes I hate myself for being trapped into such problem. You will say that life is always giving us choice anyway, it's really you yourself that wanna torture yourself. Even when realising that fact, some of the problem still haunted me sometimes, and with those 'random trigger of memory', I will be dragged back to some very dark, sinister history that giving myself difficult time to cope with...
Random memory may not be faced anyone. Yet I realise nowadays I start to re-call back some very unrelated stuff at random time. Like my appreciation to my mum's friend for letting me using her credit card during USCI time, my phone calls to family almost everyday at UCSI time, the origin of my name since young age, Yun Yi's postcard from other side of England, etc etc....
Is that implying something that I should really know about myself, on the first place?
Sometimes I can only praying and constantly reminding myself to 'let it go' and force myself to divert the attention, or else I will always be overwhelmed by excessive grief and guilty. Others rarely realise it, which is great, as I don;t want to make them know or worry, anyway. I don;t feel Bathonians really care anyway...
In the end I see the whole as a process as self-healing. This is my problem. More or less, this is the consequences of my past actions, and so I have to face it. I have no chance to run away.
To escape or to face?
Well, I will FACE it.
That's why I need more individual time. I need some peace and space to listen to the inner whisper of my own heart. I wanna know what it really wants, as my mind is always confused, really =)
Perhaps my situation is really not to bad. At least God give me the chance to be aware of my existing problems. And He does assist me to think on how to solve it...
So maybe thats why I can't be furthermore greedy, anymore...
I really try my best not to hurt anyone, anymore, as I don't wanna hurt myself, again, as well.
My family, my friends...
I know you are kind enough to me...
The longer I live on this Earth, the better I know you...
And, perhaps, the more I love you...
Whenever I am 'hurt' by someone...
In the end I will sent another one to 'heal' the wound
And with the growing wisdom, I wish to 'help' others as well, sincerely.
As there's nothing more rewarding, than your smile, truthfully, sincerely, from the bottom of your heart =)
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