A quick post before Christmas
Today I am literally rushing with the time today. Keep looking at the watch, and clock...
Finally I am out at 3pm today, officially! The day is sky blue, I still remember my French lecture, may be the last one: Le ciel est bleu! Not even sure if the spelling is correct, have not touch French for ages really...
After hard revision and internet browsing for almost 5 days I suppose, I finally see the outside world again! Finally I blamed myself again, in my room I become self-centred till I just forget that the sky is that huge, the land is so rich while I am just a small tiny humble human being, out of the world billions population...
I still moving on with life. I realise my past selfishness by looking at others'. Some, getting better. Some, getting worse. Yet in the end I will not ever forget those words from one of my friend that always show me the 'road': it is individual's right to live their own life, that they feel is alright. Well, I think that is quite right, with an additional sentence (please): provided they do NOT HARM others in the process, physically, emotionally, socially...
I remember some of my friends' sayings before, 'will try to help you reduce your economic burden'... yet in the end what they do, indirectly, is the reverse. After perhaps so many life challenges, I started to realise, I am forced to grow up, in 3-4 years time, when indeed I am still the naive innocent Jackie, at least, when I was at my A-Levels...Yet may be this is not the bad thing at all. I start to know and care about the 'white eye; of others, which taught me to be at least, still believe in what I am doing, and after all the incidences, may be I shall know who my true friend(s) is/are...Some of them are always there. I love them. And suddenly, I started to be grateful, with all the blessings...as may be, and hopefully, I realise that, there is NO ABSOLUTENESS in life. This second is friend, does not mean next second, you still must be. And when you start to claim authority on others' belongings, and thinking that they are absolutely yours...Just stay back for a second. Even birth, death, and life itself is never ever absolute, or certain...
I can see the strong bonds among some of my friends. Carefree and still with their own life. Yet so happy. And in the end they never forget friends around them. When he/she thought that they have forgotten them, may be not, when I see with my own eyes. If God will kindly will give me another chance to have such good partnership, for my last year...but I know...perhaps even my humble wish is just too greedy sometimes...sometimes...
Yet in the end when some love just have to end. Some will never end. I talked so loudly till like scolding mama, when trying to ask about my bro's PMR result today. Again the government let us down again. Because we are at interior part of Sabah everything has to be late. Can allowance be made for that? Yet anyway, when I finally sit down for a while, I started to think of a possible conversation between me, and her:
..."Mom, I was just too loud isn;t it? Sorry..."
"You are indeed so hot tempered sometimes..."
"At least you get used to it..."
"Well unfortunately, because you are my son. And that's just part of you..."
"And mama, you are always my mama. Even though I shout at you, I love you mama. Merry Christmas..."
Only family member will be the most considerate, to have the most faith in us, to always be there, and with whom we can really be ourselves.
When you thought the whole world is sorry for you, at least, you have FRIEND, and FAMILY.
God gave me time to see the real face of everything. It's not the end point yet. Yet perhaps, that's more than enough. I still have a long journey to go. I know there's people that will always hide the truth from me, and also people, that will be true and believe in me.
SO DO I.
To everyone, with the never ever stopping love, from friends, from family, from God:
Merry Christmas
xxx
