Cry

Out of a sudden - I just feel so helpless - I have expected such a response yet when the moment arrived - I still feel like wanna cry - rules are created for human - rules are dead, human are not...

And when everything is reserved beforehand - when you are behind the queue, what else can be worse than this?

Is it angry? Is it sad? May be more towards speechless, frustrated and hopeless...

When it is just not the same, anymore ...

Still remember when I was still an 'innocent' student at UCSI, when I was 'cruelly' separated from most other guys, left with only Kenny in JPA2 class, or may be slightly better - plus another Fadhil from JPA3 class...

I remembered at that time - sometimes I will borrow notes from Fadhil, or Kenny, or some girls, as well, who have never failed, to be so generous =)

Then since living under the roof, I will borrow my notes to others as well, especially guys, and especially, JPA1 guys, that include my roomies, and a few close friends that I just get to know when at UCSI...

I enjoy such a borrowing and giving tradition.


And now, from diploma to degree, as we go to higher years, the fact seems to be twisted away, and away...

Sometimes feel that it's harder to get the same thing anymore. A simple borrowing task need thousands of effort than at UCSI. I sighed sometimes, may be not to expect any return for my pass deeds, yet perhaps simply, to just consider the need of another friend?

And what I get - is just another -silence- ...

Perhaps, when everything is just not the same, anymore.

In the end, it's a tragedy, just like the Black Swan.

Dilemma

Dilemma.

To phone or not phone.
To take or not take.
To move on or to stay alone.
To face it or run away.

Life, always, many dilemma.

I suddenly wanna shout out loudly, yet...

Who am I, anyway?

A short term - two days' quick diary

生命很无常，不是每个出门的人都能够平安回家。

相信很多人都知道我最近在做什么了，LOL~

“他离开了，但他留下给我们的，是很灿烂的笑容、无限的勇气，和永不放弃的精神”

也许真正的句子并不是这样的。。。但意思大约就是如此。。。

看了，我突然回思，若有一天，我就这么离开了，我的离开又会让多少人伤心呢？

若知道自己要离开了，那是否应该残忍的让亲人知道，做好心理准备，接受事实；还是应该残忍的埋没事实，让自己默默承受一切，让他们不必为自己担心？

这是一个典型的ethical dilemma  issue —— 没有人是完全对或完全错的。

***

Down.

I would like to seek happiness in the so called Neverland.

Brain noradrenaline and serotonin level must have dropped to the lower region...

Anyway, like my friend, I feel very 'pek-chek' of my housemate - my housemate steal my food again!

If he asked, I would be more than happy to share it with him - there is something that need to be done in the proper way - even if you think you don't have to!

Yet there is no point talking to a person that will never ever realise where his fault on the first place.

And I thought of what my housemate had told me before, when I just about to move into this house.

I smiled - words may be are 'just words'- they are absolutely free, hence why there is so many unfulfilled promise or 'fool' promise in our life.

I smiled - words are free - yet they make people pay prices for them- at the right time - and - at the wrong time.

May be this is just another cycle of life, may be?

Too many 'cubaan', too many 'dugaan' - where is 'harapan'?

***

To my surprise I receive a cordial invitation from one of my friends.

A 'fancy' dinner with lots of fun!

For such a long time I have not have a proper dinner with people that I love, or at least, that I appreciate in my life.


And also, for the 1st time in my life, after ages, I watched movie with friends again!

May be my life is too busy.

May be I have more other priorities to entertain.

May be, I just have too many EXCUSES in my life.


To those that have brighten up my evening today:

MERCI BEAUCOUP!

HASTA LA VISTA!

Walking

So tired and unwell, but stil need to keep walking...... =)




http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=desert&view=detail&id=8B21FF35462681AD16F9D68DD0FFBCE997F8D14A&first=0&qpvt=desert&FORM=IDFRIR

陪我长大的“车”

还记得当初刚刚进入思大的时候，还被一位朋友“调戏”了。。。

“大家猜Jackie的家里有多少辆车？”

“一？” 他摇头了。

“二？” 他摇头了。
 “三？”他还是摇头了。
“难道是十？”
“错，答案是零！”

LOL~

其实我时候也没觉得怎样，反而是Aylwin,为我觉得不值。。。

我淡笑，其实我知道，玩我的——也只是开玩笑的心态。。。

***

今天等车的时刻，回忆带我跑回这一幕。

看着别人驾车经过，那种不屑、平淡的眼神，在我的眼里，看了不知多少遍。。。

有记得小时，爸爸还有车的时刻，每每会在黄昏时刻，待我驾车围绕附近的stadium。。。
后来，车没了。我们改坐校车，也没什么的。。。

但人越长越大，就开始向妈抱怨了：咱们要做徳士做到何时啊？
没错，在我的hometown，我从小就是做德士长大的。
 也许大家会不可思议的说：那不是比谁都有钱吗？
在我们的hometown，巴士设备并不齐全，尤其是要经过我家地带的巴士，根本就是没有。。。

所以每次要出街时，都会在路边等德士。。。
德士都是顺便路过要通往市中心的，这样搭便车，每次要一块。
而若要特地从市中心大车回家，从很小时的三块，升上四块，而如今，已经使五快了。曾几何时一张绿色的纸币还有的找‘散钱“，如今，都没了。。。

要怪又能怪谁呢？通货膨胀是我国经济必然的现象。。。
要怪德士司机，他们也只是逼不得已，需要‘找吃’的打工一族。。。

而回到我本身的故事，向妈抱怨，向妈要车，十年如一日。
妈不是说没办法，就是说快了、快了。。。
这份等待，等了二十年。。。

也许大家都会奇怪：没了车的时爸爸，却向妈妈要。。。
然而若你真正认识我，或是我的家，你会明白的。
也许拥有一辆车，就像拥有长存的快乐——对我来说，都是太过奢侈了。。。

以前住在旧家，就只有对面和隔邻的两家 ，等车自然也”舒服“多了。
现在搬到新家，左邻右舍都是有车阶级，有着甚至还有两三辆。。。
现在偶尔在路边等车，看着这些熟悉却选择‘经过’的，也唯有无可奈何。
等待的时刻，不只是纳闷，不只是习以为常，有时甚至是羞愧。。。
今天等车，竟等到这种感慨，自己有点不可思议。。。


也许正因为小时没车，也不用参加朋友的生日茶会，或是某某老师得补习班。。。习惯了没有在汽车的环境长大。。。
后来上了高中，需要练习辩论了，参加更多function，开始需要周转着。。。但有幸的——朋友多时都愿意让我搭”顺风车“。
我感激、我感恩——只因为我知道，顺风车不是必然的。。。幸福并不是必然的。。。

再回想，有时遇到一些function，需要我们全家出席的。六个兄弟姐妹都必须等车，为了方便，我会和大弟独自先出发，这样也减少引人注目。。。少了一些我偶尔会感觉的尴尬。。。

而现在，自从我为家里添了脚踏车后，三弟将脚踏车”占为己有“，上学、上街都用上了它。
其实，我反而很安慰——至少少还一个人的校车费，至少脚踏车买了是有用的 =)

***

"Ang, jangan kasih rosak basikal saya."
"Tidak bah...abang Jackie..."
"Hmm..."

***

”Bah，kau dapat lesen (memandu) sudah?"
"Yalah..."
"Suruhlah mama beli kereta cepat sikit, kalau tak kau ambil lesen buat apa?"
"Kau cakaplah sama mama. Kau rasa jadi meh?"
"Hmm..."

***

有车的那一日，又不知，将会是怎样的？

***

最后，送上这一首陪伴我在美里时的一首歌=）

la lune: une réponse

Have not blog too emotionally, for so long...

Till now, have seen so many lies, unfulfilled promises, betrayal, in such a short time.

Indeed, life still go on, I tried to convince myself that this is called part of 'lumrah hidup', human nature, face of real society...Indeed no one is perfect...I know I myself have committed some myself, in the past, so it's a 'cause and effect' cycle, part of so-called 'karma'...

It's just that when everything - come simultaneously - you may feel out of a sudden, it's slightly too much...

Yet my senior told me, firmly, God will only test you if He know you are capable of doing it =)

Hope so, really hope so, I really hope so...

I hope to make all the past as the past, yet when Colosseum starts to scream at the middle of the night, from the ancient Roman City, I still feel the shiver...I do not want to, yet again memory is really a random thingy. It's locked behind the drawer for hundreds years...and finally 'Hawa' helps me to open the Pandora Box again...

I do not know if everything, that happen simultaneously now, are merely coincidence, or, not.

Life still goes on with multiple blessings. There seems to be at least, someone that still can understand me. Yet perhaps everyone is entitled to keep some secret, for the rest of their life, may be. How many secret is still secret anyway? It's hard to answer. Yet I know that I am also reminded to apology to many, many people...

Perhaps happiness is a luxury for me. I try to accept that, very slowly.
I do not mind to be alone, but I do not want to feel lonely.
I do not mind to do all the hard works, yet if at least someone can appreciate it?
I do not mind to face some difficulty if that should give more convenience to others, yet sometimes, I doubt if I can be so, so noble...

Perhaps in the end I have not find my real purpose in my life, although I thought, I always know.

Le ciel est bleu. Last French lecture, still remember until now. Is there any significance there?

Like too many questions in my life:

Sais pas.

If the moon will let me know, the answers.

Running Love

A simple phone call reminds me of all the love that I still have in my life ...=)



***

And I am directed to this interesting youtube video via my BPSA Spring Conference at London School of Pharmacy. I hope you will enjoy it!