The 'teenagerhood'

I looked at my pictures of my sister for a while.

It brought me a small sense of happiness, and a feeling of nostalgia.

Some events at UCSI quickly flashes through my mind.

Yet what's history, is history. It was a while ago. And the reality is, we need to move on.

While I am 'happy' risking myself by making a decision - when I look at my sis, my bro, I suddenly be cautious, be considerate, and finally, I stopped.

Because eventually, this is not just about my future...

祝你，祝我，生日快乐！

在英国，还有三个小时，将是我的另外一份生日。
在大马，我的生日，早就到了。

打着这份部落格的同时，才惊觉——妹妹的生日，到了，哈——还没有祝福她呢=）

今年的生日，恐怕就是在异乡的最后一次。

有那种憧憬，向往着那一份美好，但在同时，却又像压抑着，想维持那份平常心，只因为，不想再失望一次。

好久好久，一直都是一个人。

当了那个传统的大哥哥，好久好久了。

隐隐约约的，一直都希望自己也能终有一天，就像是谁的弟弟一样被呵护着。

等着大哥大姐，煮饭给我吃，帮我出头，让我任性撒娇，再让我因为不断的叮咛而嘟起嘴来。

其实，上帝好早好早，就送上了我这一份礼物。

我没有离开，我失去了一些我梦想的，同时，却让我得到一些我意想不到的。

至少这样，我的人生，也会因此，少了一份遗憾。

感谢、感恩、感激。。。


Ma soeur, ma soeur, joyeux anniversaire! 

Je m'ennuie de ton sourire.

 

Je t'aime, comme toujours.




 

我的歌声里

你存在

我深深的脑海里

我的梦里

我的心里

我的歌声里

世界之大 为何我们相遇

难道是缘分 难道是天意

散場的擁抱

不过才几天，我又重新怀抱希望、梦想未来。

活下来的人，他的悲伤与罪恶感，面对梦想和现实很容易让步。

希望他可以在未来，不停偿还着悲伤和罪恶感。

***

“所以太阳才会每天升起嘛。。。”

“太阳永远都是站在原地未动，是地球像疯子般要绕着太阳转的。”

***

错一次是人，错两次就不能怪人。

***

Week 1 & Week 2

A short two weeks - yet the journey looks like, long enough...

Prescribing course started since Week 1. And I love it. I love the consultation process, the clinical knowledge involved, and the way to explain as clear as possible...

Because we will be, PHARMACIST.

However, I feel shamed as so far, only 4/11 of my groupmates have voiced out, anything. I really hope this is an opportunity where we will learn together, actively brainstorm, exchange idea, summarise, etc. Perhaps I am hoping slightly too much, again.

And the final year, yeap final year, is actually not that long anymore. I hope to live my life to the fullest. I see some people go, and then some people come (back) to me, in my life. Some of the unfamiliar one, is partially my family now. Some that used to be so close to me, due to the challenge of distance and time, gradually lost the bond, with me.

I still wanna thank 'yuan fen', anyway. It's by chance that we can to know each other, and grow together.

Again, I made mistake, but hopefully to learn from it, and it will contribute to my maturity. I don;t want to use the excuse that 'we are still so young' to be excused from any mistake, yet as long as it's not the most horrendous version, I still wanna seek forgiveness from you, as well as from myself.

Busy with project, prescribing (course), readings, drama, family, friends, societies, so what else?

When you start to seek for external elements to calm yourself - it's the time to stop, it's the time to rest, it's the time to think... Just don't, lose yourself =)

Project's Reflection

I start the 'research project' this semester - which will be for about 2-3 months.

With some kind of fate and again, inconfidence in myself - I finally engaged in the pharmacology research now - to investigate the respiratory mechanism.

Only this year I start to feel that I can see the real truth in research - it's really to investigate something that we don't (really) know to reveal another truth of the Mother Nature.

When I was in my school, and even in the 1st few years in the university, all the experiments were done for the sake of doing it - we just follow the procedures as described in the workbook, and then submit a report (if needed), and yeah, that's it.

While now, it's kind of a very different perspective - we try to investigate something with our 1st experiment, and with the result and some consideration with the latest experimental result - we will consider how to carry out the 2nd one, and so on...In short, there is no definite full stop for our research. Perhaps this is the real face of research in everyday life - as carried out by those professional researcher...compared to those that may have been expert for years, what we are doing now is definitely is just a very small amount then...

See a rat to be killed everyday is not that nice, to be honest. The moment before, it was taken from the cage, then it was comforted gently, and then - killed humanely! Now I see why the animal rights fighters are that noisy - may be the animals have the right to live peacefully and happily as we the human. Therefore when you see each medicine that you (or other people) are taking now, be appreciative to those animals - especially rats, rabbits and monkeys that had been sacrificed...

Start to carry a research on your own, with a whole set of experimental apparatus, in front of you, and you are 'so called' in charge of everything - is 'kind of' a nice feeling that this is really a research, eventually. To be honest, I never ever dreamed that I will be able to be here today, and to start to pick up the confidence gradually - to do a proper research.

A 'pharmacology pharmacist' - while pharmacists are trained to be knowledgeable in pharmacology - not everyone of us have that single chance to enter the pharmacology lab and start to be engaged in those pharmacology works - honestly the feeling of just reading it and doing it - is totally different! I appreciate the fact that The Pharmacy Department is able to provide us with the facilities and chance to do research, also, in microbiology, pharmacy practice, biochemistry, medicinal chemistry, pharmaceutics and pharmacoepidemiology/drug safety.

I still kind of confused now - however I realise I have to be responsible, definitely, for all my actions. And I know, eventually, that is the compulsory route, towards adulthood.

If I have the chance to go back to the past, I wish God will clear my mind so that I may take another route. May be I will feel the other around then. Yet yeah, the sleepless nights to all the internal dilemma to make a decision in the end - the pain and sacrifice behind it - I guessed no other people will know rather than the person him/herself.

 

A Moment of SPLURGE

To be an honest son, means that I will pour out almost 90% of my daily routine - be it a problem or a happy news - to my beloved family members...

Sometimes such a policy makes me think - I realise that a lot of my friends / peers don't really tend to do so - either because they don't have much problem in their life, or simply because they do not want to make their parents worry - and will rather just keep everything to themselves.

This makes me reflect: is that really the best way to do it? When you have a huge problem and you feel that the whole world is trying to disappoint you in every single way that it can - and you feel that you need that extra arm for support...it's great to know that the door of 'casa' is always waiting for you, and now, I feel slightly much better when I know I have a few (close/best) friend where I can share my problem, my concern...sometimes they may actually take a passive by just listening, however, it's really better than digging a hole and hiding yourself inside it - at least - I will think so, personally.

Perhaps we just have to admit human being can be kind of week sometimes, somewhere - and it's difficult to keep yourself as a tough, strong 'superman', all the time.

However, I do not want to make 'honesty' as a chance to actually complaint about every single thing in my life - because I know I will be regarded as 'problematic' instead - which is something that I try to avoid, really.

To be honest, to 'voice out' your concern is really important, especially when it is still in the stage where everything still have a good chance of being rectified. Even you may not get the best result at the end, at least you have tried... well well, to be honest, I don't know how true that actually to every person, yet I just don't want to keep a big stone pushing on my heart forever...

To be honest, to voice out concern, to not suffer in silence - a problem shared is a burden shared... think about it.

SPLURGE finished! 

好难得走火入魔

Family Light

Today I just to remind myself - when family is most reliable support that you can rely on.

That day I told mama about my worry after I break something - I doubted that others will actually 'care' about it anyway - but obviously what she told me later showed that she did remember what I have said - even myself actually have forgotten for what I have said...

That day even though she was in the middle of her holiday - aunty still willing to help me to pick up my stuff at the other side of the country - crossing national and international boundaries - I doubted how many people is ready to make such a sacrifice as what she had done.

Perhaps family is one the best thing that can happen in your life - at least when you feel that the whole world has let you down - you still have that single shed of light, shining in the middle of a long long night......

With love,
J x