試用

她這時心中一定會想，為甚麼自己會被踢除？是自己哪裡做不好嗎？我從餘光中看著她，她的表情，和以往一樣，沒有快樂，沒有悲傷，只是，她的心會哭泣嗎？

我心軟不能管人事。很慶幸的，我的工作也只需要專心看病，不需煩惱診所的人事。所以當小英離職後，便由護理長負責去找新護士，她登報兩個月後，才有一個人來應徵，面試後，護理長請她來試做，試用期多久，我沒去過問。

我看到這個新來的護士，大約廿歲，頭髮長長的，長的普普通通，工作起來，倒還中規中矩，會打針，會掛號，來了3天，好像就能上手，工作中沒出甚麼差錯。只是，她就是很安靜，3天下來，我和她沒說超過十句話，她就是安安靜靜的工作，不會和人打招呼，我也沒看過她微笑。

但請個人到診所來，就是要來做事，只要打針掛號的事做得好，其他都沒有關係。更何況她來的這幾天，整個診所的工作一樣進行的很順利，沒有聽到有病人抱怨她打針打不好，或是掛號等很久的事，雖然她不對病人微笑，但病人來是要看醫生，醫生笑就好，所以在我心中，慢慢覺得她已經是可以接受的人選了！。

你，明天不用來了

這個週末我休息，當我再來上班時，就見到一個護士很高興的和我打招呼，說：“醫生好，我是佳宜，請多多指教！”我人一愣，看她的樣子，也大約是廿歲，長長的頭髮，長的普普通通，但臉上就是展現很開朗的笑容。我的第一個反應是──這個護士，是上星期來的那個嗎？怎麼才過一個週末，臉上的笑容就進步那麼多？我的神經其實很大條，那護士已經來一星期，但她的長相我都還記不清楚，甚至連名字也不知道！

但見眼前的這一個護士，除了熟練之外，工作中因微笑而多了一份熱情與活力，她很會和人接觸，看到病人會打招呼，我猜想，應不是同一個人吧！我於是問護理長，她回答說：“這是另一個來試做的！她的名字叫佳宜。”我問說：“那麼上星期那個叫甚麼名字？”她回答說：“淑芬！”

我這時才記下淑芬這名字。如此忙碌到晚上，當所有的人都下班時，護理長問我：“今天來的佳宜，和上星期來的淑芬，你覺得哪一個比較好？”我並沒多去想她問我這話的目的，只是按我一天下來的感覺，直接回答她說：“佳宜比較好，她會和人打招呼，工作中也充滿熱情。”她聽了微笑點點頭。

第二天下午，我再來上班。這一天，輪值的護士是小龍女，和上星期來的淑芬。病人因天氣冷開始多起來，我們三人一直忙到晚上，這當中，我因為體溫計壞掉了，需要不斷呼喊外面的護士拿她們的額溫鎗來幫我量體溫，只是我又接二連三的忘記淑芬的名字，必需用對講機問小龍女，小龍女回答得很不耐煩，說：“她叫淑芬，就是全台灣最多人取的淑芬！”所以這一個晚上，我喊了很多次“淑芬！淑芬！”她每一次聽到，都會放下打針的工作，進來幫我量體溫。

如此做到下班前一小時，我看到護理長來診所了，她來診所原就很平常，診所的大小事，常把休假中的她叫回來。而這時病人多，我也沒問她回來做甚麼。只見她在我門口經過了數次，好像有些事在忙，然後就離開了。

她走後，小龍女進來跟我說：“護理長剛才跟淑芬說，她做到今天，明天不用來了！”我聽了，人一愣，馬上想起兩天前她問我那個護士比較好的事，她這樣的決定，難道和我有關嗎？我的眼睛忽然湧現不可抵擋的酸楚，而淑芬這時在打針，和我隔一道牆，我心想，她這時，還有心情工作嗎？她的心會如同針刺般的難過嗎？她會不會流眼淚？她的心會不會滴血？

她的心，會哭泣嗎？

我懷著忐忑不安的心情繼續看病，淑芬這時應是打完針，便見她進來我的診察室，而我正在幫病人聽診，她走到我身邊，幫我拉起病人的衣領，方便我檢查，這是我們的護士平時很懶得做的一件事，而她就在這時做了，我的眼淚幾乎就要掉下來！她這時心中一定會想，為甚麼自己會被踢除？是自己哪裡做不好嗎？是不是自己沒在醫生忙時進來幫忙拉衣服嗎？我從餘光中看著她，她的表情，和以往一樣，沒有快樂，沒有悲傷，只是，她的心會哭泣嗎？我很想告訴她，她其實已經做的很好了，她並沒有犯甚麼錯，但在這情況，我真的也不知要怎麼開口。

晚上10點下班了，我簽完賬本，要離開，淑芬這時在換衣服，我在更衣室的門口跟她說：“淑芬，我要走了，再見！”這是我第一次和她說再見，也會是最後一次，我沒聽到她的回答，我也怕萬一她出來時會流眼淚，我說完轉身，和小龍女揮手，下班離去。回家的路上，我一直在想，今天晚上，她回到家裡，要如何和自己的家人說：“我被診所辭退了！”她到現在一定都還不知道，她不是做得不好，只是有個競爭者，做得比她好。

我回到家，打電話告訴朋友這事，她說我太感性了，試用期沒過不續用，原本就是職場中屢見不鮮的事，怎需為這事耿耿於懷呢？我想了一下，發現我從畢業後，這麼多年來工作都很單純，只用我的專業，就做得比任何人都穩定。我真的比任何人都幸福，只是如今，在不經意的情況下，涉入了別人的適者生存的循環中，因為不適應，我到了深夜，仍無法入睡，悲傷不能自己。

星洲日報／副刊‧文：歐陽林‧2011.03.23

I just wanna prove that spring has come to Bath!

Spot the difference first!

VS

AND

VS

And I love the carrying 'wives' competition beside the lake...

My spring picture for last spring...

And the link for my picture at Uni. of Bath for last spring/summer: 

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=47078&id=1660298209

Hope it works if you try it =)

And lets just end with the picture of someone's hubby, woohoo~

I can't remember what's the name of the garden again, 

yet I wish to go there and have a look around it, too, before the spring ends.

If you think you will go (and may be, again), please tell me! =)

Appreciate the spring, short, yet sweet.

Hopefully to make spring at Somerset a memorable one =)

And just wanna take this opportunity to thank Ms. C.EE again =)

XXYY

有时有一种很没用的感觉。。。
心情沉落谷底。。。
这样的情绪起伏，反反复复。。。

我很不想再靠XXYY来继续生活。。。很不想。。。
隐隐约约，放下电话，面对着空虚的房间。。。
其实最空虚的，是那份心灵。

好想好想，冲去那虚拟的花园，痛痛快快地玩一次。。。
真的，好多事已尽力，但最后，上帝果然要让我有自知之明。。。
Dispensing，就是一份最好的例子。
开了BNF，作了笔记，但最后。。。
（笑一下）

Presentation，改了又改，又改，又改。Gai luo! Shhs!

而今天早上的心血，电脑先生的杰作，连渣也不肯留下给我。。。

其实最后，自己想做什么，自己也已经不知道。

妈那天对我说，什么事，都要和她说。
但现实是，不是什么事都可以讲的。
有些现实，很残酷。
我不忍心，再怎样都好。
也许，一个人静静面对，对他们来说，还是最好的。

静静的，慢慢的。。。
看这手机的响声，响个不停，但最后，每人接。
（再笑一下）

有些人的形容词，听起来，很美很美。
但最后，果然，现实中，居然还是这么的陌生、冷淡。。。
那我宁愿不再接受任何一种形式的提醒。

很想拿出那橡皮擦，再自己记忆的框框里，狠狠的擦一下。
但果然，人生不是梦。

短短的

看到Justin和Amanda的背影。。。

想到以后几位朋友们也要面对这样的困境。。。

忽然有很失落的感觉。。。

Thanks to recomment 'Limitless' to me. It's an awesome one! Great one! Thanks guys!

It's a great night to me.

Well...

Limitless =)

Time is limitless. Yet your life, your chance, is not.

只有到那一刻的到来，我会半解脱。最后，会解脱=）

Getting attention, etc

A common phenomena that I have observed for a long time...

Some people get attention easily, as he/she starts to talk...
Some people get attention as he/she use such a high amplitude speaker voice...
Some people just hardly get attention, worse as he/she need an amplifier to help to get attention...

In the end, I realise I just can't be the 1st one, neither 2nd...

Is it a change means I should heighten my volume so that everyone will hear me?

Well, that's not me.

Stop the nonsense if you refuse to change! Don't talk crap here!

Oops, sorry...

***

And I don't know if I realise the correct thing.
Sometimes I feel that my friend want me to revert back to Old Jackie as at UCSI.
May be it is so that, at least when I am being ignored. I won't feel so bad, neither do them.
I mean, they just don't wanna see my sad face anyway, as they really don't know how to approach / face me at the end? Or they just don;t care how they should approach me...

Yet you know, even UCSI changed name to UCSI U.

And perhaps, is my excessive thinking again.
I mean, perhaps no one have thought about it in the end...
Who cares about you in the end? Everyone has own life to buzy with, you know...

Yeap yeap yeap, I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

***

Spring has come to Bath at the end.
Sun bathing every day.

I did realised some of my friend is seeing GP recently.
Yet in the end, I think that, it's time to stop asking now.
People will not interpret it as concern, anyway.
May be, worse.

I lost the courage to get to know that.

I don't want to be accused to be something else again.

I admit I wanna know, sometimes I wonder, is such a thought, actually, is wrong?
Or, against the normal norm?

I need an answer, what is the norm? Because it is determined by all of you.
And sadly, I lost in updating myself with it, from time to time.

Sometimes I find myself lost in following a multi-person conversation.
Not dementia.
Yeah, too early...

***

And to Ang2, it's an impresive result in the end.
I, AM PROUD OF YOU.

Apology as I have a dispensing test to rush.
If not, I wish to stay longer time with you.

You will do it =)
You know that =)
I believe that =)


Brother,
Jackie

Recently Fall in Love to...

离开三千烦恼丝

Kenny和194啊，我会想念你们在厨房煮东西时，那最爽朗的笑声。

日子过了，再过了，很快了。。。

大家，我不想再沉淀下去。

平日的一切，很暗。

今天，离开了三千烦恼丝，心情也爽朗了一些。

路上想了很久，他们说出自己的离别时，很淡很淡。

没有潇洒，没有不舍，就只有对将来的向往。

好想好想，自己也一样。

能否让我潇洒走一回？

看着自己的心态动静，越看越觉得不可思议。

Deviate太远了，还好吧？

只感叹长大的过程，太不容易。

春天，还会远吗？

来到英国，已经几乎两年了。
来到这儿，当初的人生地不熟，如今，对这一份说大不大，说小不小的巴斯城，有了一份很特别的亲切感。
英国在世界北部，因此常年秋冬长、春夏短，见怪不怪。

圣诞节来临之前，下午四点，天色已昏暗。然后，早上，要等到很久，才会看到吝啬的阳光。
总之，冬季时刻，阴暗的天色时光多，能看到灿烂的阳光，是一种难得的幸福。

而当中国与大马在庆祝农历新年时，除了感叹不能和家人团聚，更感叹春节后的天气，仍然很冷。
是的，还是得穿大衣出门。
习惯了，就见怪不怪了。

但现在，英国的春天，也许真的到了。
今天几乎是阳光饱满的一天，本来想封闭自己的，也禁不住诱惑出去活动一下。
仍然忘不了秋仪和伙伴们在曼彻斯特享受阳光的阳光笑脸。
虽不能身临其境，但看到那份笑容、那份倒影、那份自信，就已经觉得满足。

真正的夏天到时，阳光八点晚上才会下山，然后在凌晨三四点，又会出现了。
时间好像想和我开玩笑，时间感上的错乱，是因为人体本身也有生物闹钟的缘故。
是的，就是circadian rhythm - biological clock.

只感激上帝仍让我在巴斯，享受与弟弟和妹妹快乐的滋味。

冬天去了，春天，还会远吗？

当你看到图书馆的隔壁就是色彩斑斓、炫耀夺目的五色花朵时，就知道了=）

The Song

사랑을 아직 난 몰라서
Sa-rang-eul a-jik nan mol-la-seo
더는 가까이 못가요
Deo-neun ga-gga-i mot-ga-yo
근데 왜 자꾸만 못난 내 심장은
Geun-de wae ja-ggu-man mot-nan nae shim-jang-eun
두근거리나요
Du-geun-geo-ri na-yo
난 당신이 자꾸만 밟혀서
Nan dang-shin-i ja-ggu-man balb-hyeo-seo
그냥 갈 수도 없네요
Geu-nyang gal su-do eobs-ne-yo
이루어질 수 도 없는 이 사랑에
I-ru-eo-jil su do eobs-neun i sa-rang-e
내 맘이 너무 아파요
Nae mam-i neo-mu a-pa-yo
하루가 가고 밤이 오면
Ha-ru-ga ga-go bam-i o-myeon
난 온통 당신 생각뿐이죠
Nan on-tong dang-shin saeng-gak-bbun-i-jyo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-bo gat-eun nal
어떻게 해야 좋을까요
Eo-ddeoh-ge hae-ya joh-eul-gga-yo
마음이 사랑을 따르니
Ma-eum-i sa-rang-eul dda-reu-ni
내가 뭘 할 수 있나요
Nae-ga mweol hal su itt-na-yo
이루어질 수도 없는 이 사랑에
I-ru-eo-jil su-do eobs-neun i sa-rang-e
내 맘이 너무 아파요
Nae mam-i neo-mu a-pa-yo
하루가 가고 밤이 오면
Ha-ru-ga ga-go bam-i o-myeon
난 온통 당신 생각뿐이죠
Nan on-tong dang-shin saeng-gak-bbun-i-jyo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-b gat-eun nal
어떻게 해야 하나요
Eo-ddeoh-ge haeng-ya ha-na-yo
내 아픔이 무뎌져 버릴 날이
Nae a-peum-i mu-dyeo-jyeo beo-ril nal-i
언제쯤 내게 오긴 할까요
Eon-je-jjeum nae-ge o-gin hal-gga-yo
한심스럽고 바보 같은 날
Han-shim-seu-reob-go ba-bo gat-eun nal
어떡해 하란 말인가요
Eo-ddeok-hae ha-ran mal-in-ga-yo
달빛이 너무나 좋아서
Dal-bich-i neo-mu na joh-a-seo
그냥 갈 수가 없네요
Geu-nyang-gal su-ga eobs-ne-yo
당신 곁에 잠시 누워 있을게요
Dang-shin gyeot-e jam-shi nu-weo iss-eul-ge-yo
잠시만 아주 잠시만
Jam-shi-man-a-ju gam-shi-man

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

Dubi dubi du

Dubi dubi du rolf-fo

让梦展翅飞翔

今天，有段时间，深思。。。

也许我要求的，实在太高。

我拿出真心对待人家，不应要求回报。

回想，

我拿出真心对待别人，

并不代表别人也应该这样对我。

但若最后，大家的对待只让我一无是处、格格不入，

我期望的，是否还是很过分？

只因人是合群的动物

也许我应该继续天真地想，情况会更好。

当大家都无话可说时，我，早就明了。

可有些事实，就是太残酷，我，好难接受。

也许，是真的是我自己想太多。

也许，是自己的要求太高。

也许，一切的不公平，都是我应承受的。

也许，交友处处难，是因为我不曾努力，

还是这是上帝的另一份考验哪？

Tried，yet God is more powerful in the end.

隐隐约约，也许我应继续挂着那微笑过日子。

其实，也许，大家是关心，但有多少时间, boleh jaga tepi kain orang?

今天，一位朋友来找我谈心，我提醒了，但最后。。。

恶讯。。。

隐隐约约，是当事人的残忍，然我的眼泪，也似乎夺眶而出。

太感性、太软弱、太忧郁、太犹豫，仍是我的缺点。

终于，我也知道一直以来，我的部落格是伤心的、沉重的、忧郁的。

只因为，这也是我的日记。

终于我了解，它更是我的精神支柱，我的倾诉对象。。。

有时，甚至胜过面对那些不能再说什么的朋友。

我感谢敬荟然我有这份小智慧，虽不能登大堂之雅，但为了满足自己的世界，却应足够。

当然，也应为仍有一群会时不时关心一下的朋友，让我有继续的勇气。

其实随着阳光的到来，心情也开朗了许多。

开朗也许不最正确，不最贴切，但，positive，应是真的。

隐隐约约，直到问题所在，但无法越过那份心理障碍，则何时都是无句号的终点。

再也没有办法了吗？有人说，置之不理吧？但每天要面对的问题，说不理，就不理。

人生，从不是那么简单。

（当然，其实，人生也并不那么复杂。。。）

朋友再三提醒，Kenny和194的牺牲已够大，够远，够贵。。。

不应再辜负他们。

是的，他们不应承受这样的结局。

是我的错，我愿意面对。

现在，就已经再面对着，而且，所承受的白眼、歧视、压力，并不轻。

当然，并不代表，我就因而伟大，或够了，或算了。

只因为，我，从来不是。

只想让你们明白，我感叹人世间的不平。

看着周围的人，为了我，受到这样的不平，是他们心甘情愿，并不代表我觉得理所当然。

而看着自己承受的不平，太久了，习惯了，麻木了。。。

当然，自己仍是常人，仍会有心理不平衡的时候。

但，比起过去，接受程度是提高了，但不代表infinite程度。

看这Kenny的生日，慢慢过去。

我看着那份幸福的笑容，自己也微笑着。

我衷心祝福，望幸福为了你常存人间。

我不再要为你做什么，只因我知道，大家都会很有义气为你做很多很多事。

所以我选择，静静坐在旁边，做一份我知道别人不会overlap的任务。

不代表我不再重视，不代表我已忘记。

我只想，在这一份特别的日子里，做一些我能做的事，默默为你送上祝福。

是的，你会说，我在炫耀。

做就做吗，说这么多，干嘛？

你要怎么说都好，我本身，就像别人一样，在后台，我有我的任务。

最终要自己明白，若每一件事都要别人感谢你，是非必须的。

看这那份笑容，你来跟我说话，睬我一下，我，已心满意足。

只望不再看到脸色，不再听到刁难的语气。。。

我明白，有一些，只是奢望。。。

但，人生，因有希望，因有梦想，才会有活下去的勇气。

让梦展翅飞翔 =）

p/s: Hui，仍太悲观嘛？

华文-爱

Writing a new diary for this kind-of-peace week.

I am busy partially with BAMSA stuff. Yet compared to last year, it's not guilty anymore.

I do find time is just still limited as usual, yet I find myself giving myself more excuses to slow down, which is good, and bad...

I can;t let myself indulge in total happiness. I mean, there's too many times when I am happy then I will have a deep fall into a very low state, just like maniac people with great swing in their mood. Yet don;t worry guys, I AM NOT MANIC!

Perhaps in the end I accept the fact that happiness is not ultimate for everyone. Indeed. Just appreciate every single moment that can make you smile, and then move on...

In fact I realise some people are actually not very happy, like me, too, can't say they are not contentful. Yet when the reasons used are 'self improvement for future benefit', I find it a little bit too selfish.

Nowdays I realise my calls are extremely ignored by few friend that I am 'close' by, and that's really, really, really, remind me. Although I should kind of accept it as a norm, yet, too cruel to be digested directly.

And while on the way on house hunting, I tried to rely on helps on some friend. And that makes me see the ugly face of some people, suppose their real face. If you refuse to help me, or think you just cannot, can you say it clearly and don;t leave me with commas, and not full stops everytime? You know, it makes everything confusing, I am not sure, and please understand me that suffer emotional restrain to certain extent to find a shelter for next year? Please don;t make it worse by hanging over there, leaving me alone, with uncertainty. I know, it's none of your business, anyway, fine, then...

In the end, I still blaming sometimes. Blaming whoever for making me hanging at this hard position now. Some friend may ask, and sometimes I don't know I should be happy or not. In the end I can only answer people with a slight head shake. A big no with a smile: X Worry, yet...erm...

Yet who cares anyway at the end? I mean, every person regard it as really it is your own business. "Go and find yours, don;t disturb me here, shhu shhu shhu! OUT!"

And BAMSA practise today. Wait like crazy for the no.18 bus for almost an hour! Yet in the end although we arrive at almost 6pm, the real rehearsal is only at 7pm...OMG...I am like, I know, sometimes something is just beyond our control...yet...

Just like my toe-ache. It;s getting more and more prominent. It kinds of settling down before. Yet come again, And the expert can only be seen in 2 weeks time. I am speechless, indeed. Yet apart from shouting pain sometimes, there's really nothing that I can do.

I still find some strength to mix into my friends nowadays. Yet may be the result is quite disappointing. I tried to change my perception, to just observe them from faraway, and smile quietly, sometimes. Yet sometimes I asked myself: 我是在微笑，会心一笑，还是苦笑？

And sometimes I feel that, people don;t like me is due to my own problem or behaviour. Yet that is not a total reason to change your personality. Seriously. I mean, I do hope I can be more widely accepted. I do think about it, quite deep, sometimes, and in the end perhaps...well...yet I will say that individualism is one important aspect in my personalities. So yeah, lonely is prominent, yet, any better way to cope with it?

而看着刚才的华人舞蹈，背景音乐却是韩歌。够悲哀的。一首我本身不懂的歌曲，却就是这样轻轻触动着我的心旋，似乎想引起我的共鸣。看着雨伞轻轻转着，我看到一去不复返的时光。看着那犹如心跳的部分，不只想让我想起我过去点点滴滴的心跳？还是什么呢？

而中华文化的一切就这样渗入我的血脉里，丰富我的生命，呼唤我的灵魂，触动我的心旋。虽不是第一语言，华文掌握程度较慢，但我最终受到上帝的保佑，让我在这份领域里一展所长、让我能继续学习华文，继续寻找我的方向。

马来文，是我与家人、沙巴社会的沟通语言。
英文，是我与老外交际、学习的正式语言。
华文，是我与亲戚朋友交际的语言，更是我内心的官方语言。

但也突然叹气，能让你感到亲切的，却也许是伤你最深的。。。

最终我不知现在该怎样下去。。。而有些人身在福中不知福。

看这一位Junior，由于我和她，一个第三空间的条件，给我有着一种微妙的关系。

当然，这是我的感觉，而我虽看到聪颖、明媚、活泼的一面，同时也感受到现实、“我可不好惹”的一面。所以，这是一种复杂的感觉。但，这，并不重要。

然，偶尔那种心痛的感觉，很奇怪，我只能感叹，为什么，又是我？

果然，爱在给人幸福的同时，也给人伤害。爱得最深的，也是伤得最深的。

***

最后，阳光越来越耀眼，春天真的来了。这几天阳光再现，我这亚洲少年，真的被这些阳光阳化了！而虽然明日开始又要下雨，但雨爱的奇迹，会一直延续，我相信，我会看到彩虹的美丽=）

Coincidence

There's too many coincidence in my life now.

Today we're having a lecture with Dr. Denise Taylor, she's simply awesome! She really knew what she herself is talking =)

And during the Bipolar lecture, she had mention that maniac people feel like coincidence is like within their own power. For example, the ability to change red traffic light to green, magically!

Erm erm erm...I am reminded of coincidence, at the other extreme.

Today, not too bad, just that we had a great badminton session from 11-12, and thats when my PBL as well. Strictly speaking if I have no important briefing to my collegues on the new changes of the slides, I would rather not going.

Then after the seminar (which was actually a lecture itself!), I fall asleep at the library, for almost 2 hours, with the apparent coldness, attacking, deep into the bones. Fine, then after home, worse, I lie on the bad, and just can;t sleep now.

These are not the only coincidence.

As the last user, for example toilet, if the cover is wet, even if you are not the culprit, you are responsible for it. And in my heart, I screamed: I even wipe the cover myself with antibacterials sometimes, and now I have to be treated like this...

And whenever I feel to go for a badminton session, it's either the booking fail in the end, and I just carry the racket around for fun, or else it will be extremely crowded, or else I have something, like PBL today.

And I have said to myself so many times I wanna go for some classes, and in the end, I always end up with unable to go. 1st time, I don;t know the location. 2nd time, I am not informed, and some sort left out, and third time, yeah, soon...

Many more coincidence, till in the end I feel like played, tricked, trapped...

Poor coping skill? May be, it's not pretending, no one wanna being trapped in too many coincidence that will make them feel low at the end. Sometimes I feel like people always think that: Ohh, Jackie, you/he will be alright. Hmm hmm, hope so, then, because the real truth is, sometimes I find it too much, and people is just so heartless. I can see the cold face of some people when I try to seek their help or just to ask simple questions, and some even come from my 'close' friend - hurtful, indeed. Many thanks!

And feel like one of the collegue in my group is like my life saver. Not so serious, yet partially. Randomly mention about BAMSA night that day when I 'crashed' with her in the parade, and in the end I end up with selling 2 tickets today! Great! And a simple smile do brighten up my day. And I knew she was OK in sharing academic knowledge, too. That's hopefully what I will do in the future, no matter how tired, how woolly is, how hard is, in coping with my own life, I hope to give some, and more smile to every patient that come to me. Be aware that, you met 100++ patients everyday, yet each of them just met you the pharmacist once per day, or per week, or more. Doesn;t matter. What really matter is: make their experience in visiting your pharmacy the most unique one! Pharmacists just start to get some place in the health care sector of Malaysia. It is really up to each and everyone of us to shape the image of the profession!

Sometimes I still feel to value, appreciate, acknowledge my friends. That's why I joined Dikir Barat. I know they are lacking of people. It's not too say that I am so noble or whatsoever. I do it, simply because of the friendship, although as a slow catcher, I do feel stupid sometimes, surrounded by people that doing it so fast, and simply miss a session (where they teach everything, and I missed it for medical reason, and yeah - coincidence), feel like left out quite much sometimes. And try to ask around, and I see so many ignorant or impatient faces. I mean, you expect me to catch the beats, yet...In the end, I have nothing to do, but just to cope to the very best...

Yet people are selfish indeed. Too many times feel like I should think of other people, and too many times I am disappointed at the end. I need to grow up...

I just hope there's someone I can talk to sometimes. Yet perhaps, life is always too greedy to give hope on some species...well well...

House hunting. I met Vaneesa today, and we talked quite a lot. I knew they gonna bring more laughter to 7 Herbert Road soon, which is good. Smiled when thinking about it =) Yet I feel so down at the same time - with no destiny to be fixed till now. As people that I rely on count on are actually so unreliable! It is none of your business, yet as you are helping, can you do it better? Sometimes doing something is NOT hard, just that because it's not your business, you become ignorant, careless...And in deed that only make me that desperately out of idea now to be even more...hmm...(speechless...enough to say)

Putting down the books, on the orange bus, the Pulteney Bridge, and the white shiny Roman Bath, look so belle and elegant, indeed!

Walking down Shaftesbury Road, quietly, I don;t know if I will walk here, soon, again. Yet as I walk down, I know that I am making the right choice of choosing Bath. Here I find out partially who myself really is, the reality of life, and - where my real destiny is - to find the real interest in doing pharmacy, deal with medicines and patients and HCPs. I doubt if I am in the right field before, yet may be, everything is clear now =)

MASTER OF PHARMACY

BATH IN MEMORY

MALAYSIA MY DESTINY

Fresh Air Supply

Someone need fresh air now.

Well, well, hopefully this will help partially =)

A English teacher seems so angry...
Then another teacher asks her? Why?
Ohh, one of my student, she's so...so...
Ohh, why?
Well, I gave them an essay to write last week...
OK? And the title?
King and Queen...
Good title for primary school students is it? What's the problem?
Well, one of my student, she wrote like this...

Once upon the time, there was a happy king and a happy queen.
King asks her: Do you speak Chinese?
Queen: Yes I am...
(And in the end the whole essay is written in Chinese!!!!!)

Purposely I have whiten the part to avoid early exposure, please highlight the 3 rows below the sentence above, OK?

***

And so now is the busy week of dispensing.
I can't say I am the busiest, apparently someone is busier than me...
JH! Haha! You know I mean you!

OK, and we're partially busy with Dikir Barat practise this week for the upcoming BAMSA night.
BAMSA: Bath Area Singaporean-Malaysian Association.
The night, next week, Friday!

Songs presented: Rasa Sayang!
And two more songs, can't really remember the titles...
Baby baby baby baby why you wanna hurt me so bad

A strange feeling, yet feel like liking the sentence the most.
Well well, that may imply something, or anything, or nothing.

And so you can see all types of funny faces during the practise. Apparently most are seniors, very very few 1st year join, LOL~

And I can't forget the moment when Yean was chasing Guarino like crazy, just like Do's wife chasing her gambling husband in Do Re Mi (P. Ramlee's movie).

Funny, hahaha~

Yet, whenever I see that, feel slightly...erm...at the same time...

When's the last time I did played chasing like this? Is it 12 years old?

Those innocent moment with my siblings...running on mama's bed...(Yeap, because when we're young our house was too small, till we hardly have space to play. We're not allowed to play in the living room, as that;s also the dining room, and mama will be angry if we break a plate).

So in the end, mama's bed was our playing venue, study room, nap room, erm, you name it =)

Of course, that's our official sleeping room at least. We have our 'own' sleeping room, anyway, which is 'nomadic', at those days...

Now at least the situation is different now. I was unhappy to see my siblings seems to be indulged in the comfort at the present life. Internet, laptop, computer games, although four people need to share and compete for a laptop at home, I know they will make it =)

Unhappy not because of jealousy, yet afraid that they will 'lupa diri'...

As what we learn in our Form 3 Malay Antology (Anak Bumi Tercinta)...

A poem by Lim Swee Tin:
(Ketika Kami Bercerita Tentangnya)

"Semoga gelombang masa laluku,
bukan gelombang masa depanmu"

In the poem, is a father.
In here, is a bro =)

***

Dispensing tomorrow.

Tomorrow is quite a new experience.

We're gonna dispense:
1. Cetrizine (for children - paedriatic)
2. Warfarin (anticoagulant -  so different as it is a drug of narrow therapeutic index, TDM or therapeutic drug monitoring is strictly required).
3. Emergency Supply at the Request of a Patient - Inhaler.

Don;t tell Ms. Wood I am talking all these 'nonsense' here or I will be killed tomorrow!

And Hui, thanks for the midnight SMS, I have fallen asleep (yeap, very occasionally) quite early last night =)

Not a single reply, not a response, yet still a huge thanks, from me.

I do feel better now, just hope that they will sort it out soon. I mean, this thing, is beyond my control.

There's many stuff in life that is not in your control, yet as many have reminded, your life - your destiny, your decision, your destination.

Cruel yet true enough.

To all, have a great dispensing week!

BAMSA love, XXX

Diary: Monday After Cardiff Trip

Today is a Monday.

I missed the class, again, today.

Maybe I just will never have jodoh with this class. Jodoh can't be forced, anyway...

And again, I feel like I am just be counted to make up the count.

Bak kata pepatah: Bagai melukut di tepi gantang, masuk tak penuh keluar tak kurang...

Seems like I was not gonna live a happy life again, at least in this short period.

I need to be away. Yet that will mean away from all my obligations and commitment now.

I am NOT that kind of irresponsible person, anyway...

Some words need not to be said too many times. Some reminder need not to be made too many times.

I heard that some friends are backstepping me. Fine, may be they were. Some. Yet after thinking rationally, I should know what my friend's personality is. Even they were, I can't do anything. Yet I know who I can rely on, always =)

Nowadays I am back towards life before partially. Feel slightly better, yet worse, on the other hand, at the same time. I hope my emotion can be driven by rationality as well, yet, perhaps, in life, there was hope that should remain as hope.

Thank God for the strength that was given to overcome the situation now. Just hope that I will do it. I know, I am more like just suppressing my emotion now. There's nothing much I can;t do now really. I choose to anesthetise myself, as sometimes life don't really offer me the second option. And I don't want to be reminded that I can do whatever I want with my life, include to end it. I know it's my life, yet actually the paradox is, I am driven to live now, sometimes. There's too many limitations from others. I tried to tolerate, accept, yet like house hunting, sometimes I feel life is like too much for me.

When everyone has settled down with something, I am still in that searching. I may end up with something else. If this is God's punishment for me as I am taking house hunting too lightly at 1st year, I also should say, is it time to settle down now?

I don;t mind to be forgotten, as God has arranged me to remember almost everyone, yet the reverse is almost wrong. I realise who's absent from my practical group, and will try to call him/her. Yet the reverse is, even if I purposely miss a practical, people that I suppose to be so close to me, just seems never ever care about it. So I should conclude that, such reminder and ability to think about others are actually STUPID indeed. USELESS. MEANINGLESS. I mean, I don't do it for appreciation. In the end people choose to care about own life, anyway...

And when one of my friend told me that day, like in PBL, choose the easiest question 1st. If you 'kena' difficult question, then it's your own fault to make your life difficult. Heartless enough to say that. Cold enough to hear that. Correct enough to realise that. Yet in the end, what I think is, someone has to do it at the end. You can't expect life always arrange the easiest for you. 'Ma fan' is not an excuse. I mean, I am doing the difficult part, I know it's hard, and I am still doing it.

Like house hunting, if I can be more selfish, more aggressive earlier, may be I won;t end up in such a hot soup now. I did regret. And in the end, people around me will just ask randomly about. And I just have to give a simple answer, and that's it. Yet the emotional restrain behind it, to be left alone in searching and deciding, to do everything on my own, with no one to share the workload, and to face dilemma over and over again, and may be, discrimination or rejection or disappointment sometimes...Who knows? Sometimes I wondering what the hell am I doing at this cold evening, running up and down, while people is simply enjoying themselves in the warm room, with books or laptops or hot chocolates in front of them? Words can bring all of these lightly and rapidly in front of your eyes, yet I will not simply forget those little moments... And yet, what;s done can't be undone. No options now really.

Sometimes even my call is ignored now. Perhaps my call is just so petty nowadays. That's why I don't even bother to call for a random chat. World teaches us, every action must have motives. So a phone call can;t be for 'leisure' purposes. If you have nothing, then don't call, or else you will be 'damned'!

I realise only 1 or 2 friends are happy to receive random calls now. Random calls are AGAINST the norm of this normal world. What a cold world...well... May be I am the culprit, as I am expecting too much in my life.

I told one of my friend. Now I am left with naught. No choice.  Absolutely none.

Sunshine is more prominent now in Bath. Life is never too easy. If I was given a 2nd choice, may be I will be seeking sunshine at Cardiff or Manchester. Yet, Bath has a reason for me to stay. It's a sad reason, yet I should not lie to myself again.

LOVE. FRIENDSHIP. RESPONSIBILITY.

Finally：Memorable Cardiff Trip - 05032011

It's a great Malaysian Spirit.

Finally I feel that we are really doing PERPADUAN KAUM, INTEGRASI NASIONAL, together, under the same roof =)

After the BPSA conference at Cardiff (entitled 'drug misuse'), Xin Yuan brought Ang and myself, touring around the The City of Cardiff.

Apart from Castle, it's modern buildings everywhere, quite different from Georgian, Roman and sometimes, Gothic style of buildings at Bath - classical =)

Apparently Xin Yuan was quite tired today, after all the gym hassle...LOL...yet she was still patiently brought us around this Capital of Wales - Cardiff, the city of dragon and Welsh...

In the end we cancelled the plan to Bay. We reserved it for our trip next time =) Best thing reserved for the last, well well, whateva~

And there was even some friends from LSOP - London School of Pharmacy! I met Veronica and Lau, not our collegues, unfortunately. Sorry if that statement do disappoint someone...

And in the end, Bay plan cancelled, yet we had to heading towards the 5 girls' house, instead!

Their house is quite far away from city centre. On the way, I was amazed by the peace and tranquility of the large river beside the Millennium Stadium. The overall picture gave me a sense of looking at a seaside. It was almost sunset, the overall was just...not as great as scenery in Edinburgh, no aurora, no rainbow, yet, Mother Nature always has it's own way to let me feel the greatness of Him =)

We're served with Roti Puding Strawberi, Jeruk Mangga, Kuah Rojak, Sambal Ayam, salad and Nasi Istimewa - cooked with raisins, jintan and kulit kayu manis!

Then there was milo drinks and tea somemore...the tea was very 'wangi' and it was like Jasmine tea, yet the teabag was like Lipton's, so...what was it actually? hmm...

And so we managed to meet EG Liyana, another one (I thought she was EG too, yet forget her real name, I am really sorry...), Atiq and Haslina. Naughty Ili was at London, with her 'awet muda' grandma...hohoho~

And in the end, I managed to meet Fadhil, after such a long time! I was reminded of the JPA2,3 moment at UCSI. Although our poor class was dominated by the girls, and there was only 3 'hampir pupus/almost extinct' guys. We managed to survive till now...FJK...Fadhil, Jackie, Kenny...I missed those innocent moments...

The it was session of long talks and laughters~ A little bit of comparing the pharamcy at Bath and Cardiff...

Actually, I will strongly conclude that, after visiting so many School of Pharmacy at UK, I still love Bath's the most! I am more than proud and arrogant to announce myself as a student from Department of Pharmacy and Pharmacology, University of Bath, Bath, Avon, United Kingdom!

The course structure, the exams schedule, the syllabus, the library, the lecturers...I just love them =)

And in the end, we're sent away by XY and Fadhil at the train station.

It was a mixed feeling.

And in the end there was a small incidence. The train that suppose arrived at 8.30pm was nowhere to be seen, and so we had to switch to 9pm version...

And then there was train ticket checking session! I was booked for in the session itself, so was fine...yet...when the moment almost come, I prayed hard, I just hope that, everyone will be alright =)

And in the end, everything resolved =) I looked into the black mirror. It's a sense of peace and tranquility. I stared at the reflection for a long time, and I just hope that, the moment would be freezed...Then, I smiled, tranquilly =)

It's a strange feeling that I would not gonna be able to explain to everyone. Should I just continue on? I...

I was reminded of SR's indulgence. When will be the period of Reformation? Mr DH states that I was almost in the goodbye stage now. And I doubt that, more than seriously, as fluctuation was more than apparent...

The pain on the 'skin' physically is really getting worse. I would say that Fluoxacillin was useless now. I would have to do something more advanced, real soon...

***

To all Cardiff members, thanks again for the MH Malaysian Hospitality! You served us with the standard of more than 5 star hotel. And the hospitality that I appreciate most was not the materialistic portion of nice Malaysian food, yet it was really the laughter, the smile, the sincerity, the national unity and Malaysian spirit, that I was really seeking for =)

I hope to speak Malay again with you all, can't say soon, yet hopefully, one day, again =)

Diolch yn fawr!

Gweler chi eto!

Caerdydd, Dwi'n dy garu di, gymaint!

Thank you! 

See you again!

Cardiff, I love you, so much!

与其和你爱100%的人在一起，不如和你只爱99%但却100%爱你的人在一起，也许，你将会更幸福=）

REM

一觉醒来，就要赶去Cardiff了。
有些疲倦，但，路，要赶。

夜深了，隐隐约约的。。。
又来了。。。

想起当初，第一年要搬出去时，他的犹豫不决。。。
最后，本着同甘共苦的信念，就觉得，谁，也不应被抛弃。。。
我再强调，别走。。。
最后，接受了，就这样，这是一份四人的组合。

然现在，新年前夕，一切都变了。
作出决定的那一晚，过后，我，真的很想挽回。
我在午夜十二时十五分作的决定。。。

然后，三点十五分入睡，接着再五时十五分、六时十五分、七时十五分、八时十五分，分别醒来。想必当晚，我只在REM睡觉状态，而最后，八时十五分，信息送出去了，终于。。。
然而，最后，一句语重心长的话：你，还是，走吧。。。

所以，有时觉得，很被动。

若当初自私一点，倔强一点，残忍一点，结果也许就不是这样了。

现在，得奔波，很忙碌，考试还要看这看那的屋子。。。有时，很喘不过气来。。。
为了这问题请教爸妈多少次，他们也只能默默听着。。。

落到如此地步，自己当然无可质义疑的，要接受。。。
但是，有时真的，很很辛苦。。。
有时，恨全世界的人，为何啊？为何？

为什么，就是我？

落到孤身一人的地步，也就算了，但以后来日方长，还有好多问题要想。。。

当有人告诉你，他了解你时。。。仔细想想，应该惟有自己，才最了解自己。
正因为别人永远不理解你的想法，所以，别期望别人真正明白你。
你能解释，但最后，是否完全有用？
明白了，又怎样？
那种切肤之痛的心痛、时而被噩梦警醒的恐惧、独自孤身一人的寂寞、看着一些难以磨灭的过去而裹足不前的恐惧感，又有多少人明白？

我想过很多次，我想离开，我只想重新开始，我宁愿放弃现有的。。。
然，生活有多少blank page可以让给你？
除了MR。KK，熬过了，而获得真正的快乐外，我再也想不到第二个人。
只因为，正因为我当初已作出我从来不知结局的选择，而现在，我是马来西亚政府公共服务局巴斯大学代表之一，我，已没有第二份选择。。。

当自己不想再成为任何人的负担时，更发觉，大家，越来越冷淡了。。。
不再刻意寻找，结果，竟是一份绊脚石？

有些人没有发觉，但他们对着我时那种厌恶的表情，敷衍的回答，我看在眼里，听在耳里，痛在心里。。。

尤其是一些我最信赖的朋友。。。

别说我想太多，若你自己够眼光，你，会看到的。

我不恨，我不气，我，只是很无奈。。。

结果in the end, 我对ultimate fairness的信念，是否该继续维持？

***

好久没和大弟联络了，妈说，他很忙很忙。。。每天都有读不完的书。。。

阿姨和舅舅也知道我最近太忙了，所以最后当信息都没回时，他们虽会跟妈妈埋怨，但最后，总是明白=）

妈跟我说，你在哪儿，该用什么用什么，别来什么省吃俭用。。。
但是，家里买了屋子，现在政府又好心介绍什么屋税地税。。。水费电费费费起。。。
所以，隐隐约约的，我会想，要住富丽堂皇，太过昂贵的屋子，想必是先杀我算了。

而有时看着马路上的车，隐隐约约，很想走出下一步。。。

Sunny Friday Morning

A quite good Friday morning.

Yet I make myself gloomy again, at the end...

Feel lonely now, perhaps? Surrounded by so many 'friends' yet find out I just can't mix with neither at the end...

Is it life is too much for me, then?

Will the situation get worse at next year, then?

How 6 people suppose to compete for a single badminton court?

So in the end someone must be out...It's meaningless to stay, anyway...

And some give me the impression that I am too choosy to choose where to live next year. I have my own prefered locations and budget. If you been get used to the monthly rent of 300 pounds, it will be quite a shock to know it;s another 350, per month, soon.

"Hah, later end up sleeping beside the street, baru tahu...'

In the end people can criticise, yet in the end I do have to realise that, I am the one that gonna live in the house next year, not you, not him, not her.

Dikir Barat session is fun, yet as I kept looking at the clock, | knew that I may missed an important dates...Yet life is hard anyway, sometimes you seems to have options, yet actually, you don;t.

Nowadays I still relies on some false hope. | just hate myself so much. I don;t know how to make myself feel the other way...I mean, it;s like addiction. You know it;s bad, yet you just can;t...

Life is with the wrong option always. I choose to leave, and in the end I am brought into a circle, that seems never end. i am more than tired to keep phoning and browsing through thousand websites, only to know that it is not available, occupied or unsuitable.

Sometimes I feel extremely irritated - as life is just never fair and square to me.

I know that is  negative thinking. | try to help myself by consoling myself always - you know, they are so nice, actually...in deed...and you know...

So should I be grateful for the current situation now (as it is not the worst), or should i what?

When Yean asked me that day in French class with shock, Jackie since when you become so 'cincai' one? I mean, is that really important? Who cares?

And to a certain extent I think of self-torturing. It is emotionally, which is certainly worse than physically.

A wound physically will get well in the end.

Yet is it the same to emotional wound?

People can see, people can laugh, people can criticise.

And again, sometimes it;s not about NOT trying, Tried yet God is more powerful in the end.