I am really really almost burst out into fire just now!
Why?
Due to the tension in the house!
Yet later I go back to my room, sit down for a while, and reading my Detergents notes.
I said to myself: I will never ever punish myself for others' mistakes, again.
***
Recently there's too many ideas swipt into my little brain.
Some is really innocent. Some is really bad.
I tried to push myself to forget everything.
I don;t wanna ruin anyone's life, again.
***
I saw some friends start to be really 'tension' about their exams.
That's sounds bad.
Yea, it makes you feel so inconfident, so down, so helpless...
Well then, everyone face that before =)
I talked to one of them, and when I found out that he/she is actually better, I smiled =)
Even myself, just glad that I am really getting better now =)
***
Receive feedback about brotherhood recently...
It's a state of reminder to my childhood.
I got few brothers. And I still remembered that, I am most attached to my eldest younger brother. Whose age differed with mine by 1 year and 2 months...
When small, I remembered that I do study better, than my this brother.
And received all kinds of attention.
And sadly, yeap, he didn't.
At that moment, I thought that everything suppose to be like that.
I am too young to realise the emotional torture which is faced by this younger brother.
Sometimes I even teased him, scolded him.
And I suppose I only know there's 2 types of people in this world: clever and stupid.
Yet my mindset totally change at Year 6.
I suddenly hate, and phobia of those attentions.
And with growing age, and wisdom, I started to learn to put greater, better care on my brothers and sisters.
And luckily, my brother's academic also started to get so much better afterwards.
With growing wisdom, from comparing and teasing, i learnt what is called sharing and caring.
It takes me a while to realise it, yet luckily, I do realised it.
It's the greatest the gift from God.
Now I know I love them so much.
I am more than arrogant and proud of each of their achievement, small or big, academic or life.
It's more than a good news to hear that my this brother is finally awarded Petronas partial scholarship.
It's great to hear that my other brother is getting Anugerah Pelajar Contoh, while my sister is awarded Anugerah Pelajar Harapan, on the same single day, recently.
Perhaps they always forgotten my presence anyway.
Living at the other side of the world, I now getting less and less contacts with them.
Even when I open skype, some of them will straightaway run away, avoid talking to me.
I am not angry, surely.
I am not upset, perhaps.
I just wanna listen to their voice, let them tell me themselves, their recent updates.
I insisted more than 100 times, any event, any problem, when will you go back to hometown, etc, etc...just drop me an offline message.
I am waiting, still.
I know I receive none. Till now.
It's not their fault.
We are shaped with different thinkings.
Growing under different influence and feel of responsibilities, I know I am more sensitive than anyone in my house.
I feel empathetic very fast, yet not them.
And perhaps due to that, i grow greater understanding than them either.
I just wanna apology, especially to Ricky and Ang Ang, for my fault, especially at my younger ages.
We were innocent at that time.
Yet that's not the reason to avoid apology for any mistakes done.
I knew I had done many bad deeds, especially to you two.
Perhaps I am facing the consequences anyway now.
May be yes, may be not.
I try to accept everything that come into my life, as it come.
I hope to continue to grow under the wisdom from God.
And back to Bath.
Is it still the same situation?
may be yes, may be no.
Truthfully living together everyday, sometimes I feel happy, yet I faced sorrow, anger, frustration, hatred, appreciation, etc.
So I can;t comment objectively, till now.
Learn to accept.
Learn to adapt.
Will be the best advice that I can give to myself.
My bros
My sis
I know you will never see this
As you never care, in this way.
I know you do care about me, in other ways.
For those younger, may be you don;t know, even a simple "hello" and "how are you", will always be the greatest gift to me, especially during my busy academic year.
I miss you all, sometimes.
And I think I should finish my post today.
With fullstop.
With tears.
LOVE
Jack =)
